Frisbee is Kind of Stupid (A Guide)

Stupid FrisbeeWhat is frisbee? Is it a game? A pasttime? A sport? Or is it, in fact, way of life (as many of its supporters would have you believe)? I propose that none of these things is true. Frisbee is merely a concept. An idea without merit. An elder cloud of dust; the ashes of fallen kings laid out across a grand glass table and along comes a large, grey, man who puts a finger to one side of his nose and ... in, and in, and in...
 
And even now it is inside him. It is inside all of us; each and every one. As we go about our days, The Disc thrums within. It is there as we wake; it peers through clouded eyes and tangles of morning hair. It is there as we bathe; it shivers as water streams down the crags of our sagging faces. And, it is there when we sleep; it grasps our hand, guiding us through the haunted world of dreams. Listen carefully, and you shall hear it's ragged breath. Poised on the brink... Waiting. Watching. It is slow and creeping death. It is the relentless march of time.
 
Oh, and also, frisbee is kind of stupid. Here's why.
 
 

Frisbee History

CatcherAccording to my sources, the frisbee was originally patented in 1964 by a man named Ed Headrick. To create the frisbee Mr. Headrick apparently "refined" the design of a previously released toy the "Pluto Platter", which was apparently unweildy and difficult to control when compared with a frisbee. This is fairly interesting to me, as frisbees themselves are notoriously difficult to control. I can only imagine, then, that Pluto Platters must have simply have gone careening into oblivion if tossed gently, even if by a very small child.
 
In accordance with his final wishes, Headrick was cremated, and his remains were placed into frisbees. I can only assume these frisbees were then used for their intended purposes (e.g. being thrown carelessly in the general direction of someone who is either mentally challenged, stoned, or a dog) which, depending on your views on death, is either extremely awesome, or The Saddest Thing Which Has Ever Occurred Ever.
 
 

Styles of Frisbee

Casual Play

There are a number of different ways to "play" Frisbee, the first of which is a style I would call casual play. I define casual play as any game of frisbee which is played unenthusiastically. Needless to say, this type of play makes up nearly 99% of all frisbee games.
 
A game of casual frisbee usually goes something like this:

  1. Frisbee GroupTwo very bored people who are wandering around outside for whatever reason spot a frisbee in a field somewhere.

  2. One of them mutters "want to play frisbee?" to which the other shrugs and replies with either, "I guess..." or "Mmmh."

  3. The two stand 10 or so feet apart and take turns either tossing the disc in the general direction of the other, or retrieving the poorly-thrown disc when it (inevitably) flies at a 90 degree angle AWAY from him, or 50 feet over his head.

  4. Eventually, one of the participants (who has slowly been sinking into a deep existential despair with each toss of the disc) is suddenly overcome with a with an unfathomable dread (emanating from the deepest chasms of his or her soul), and so he hurls the frisbee wildly away from himself in an attempt to be rid of it and put an end to the wretched game forever.

  5. At this point the game is usually considered to be "over" and the frisbee may or may not be retrieved from the elderly woman's yard it has landed in.
 

 

Disc Golf

Some Jerk DivesDisc golf (also referred to as "frolf" by people who have yet to be punched fully in the mouth for saying "frolf") is a sport in which people in cargo shorts and polo shirts mill around a golf course throwing frisbees at poles with a bunch of chains and a basket on them while slapping each other on the back and exclaiming "Right on!" at regular intervals.
 
For a closer look at the history of frisbee golf, let's see what the official website of the PDGA (Professional Disc Golf Association) has to say about how the game originated.

 
Disc golf is played much like traditional golf. Instead of a ball, clubs, and dignity, however, players use a "magical" flying disc (or Frisbee) which is said to have been blessed by Grimlor, the ancient Dwarven god of leatherworking. Each time a player hurls the disc, he or she is expected to say a prayer to Grimlor under his or her breath, or risk eternal damnation.
 
Backwards KidThe game was invented in the early 1970s by a college student named Arliss Howe who, upon ingesting nearly a pound of magic mushrooms (Psilocybe Cubenisis) ran out onto a nearby golf course and hurled a frisbee wildly into the air while shouting obscenities. It sailed down the course (a distance of nearly 150 yards) and struck the pin (flag) dead center. "I'm F###ING Warrick the warlock king, you C###!" Arliss cried, adding, "king of the f###ing warlocks..."
 
According to onlookers he then dropped to the ground in a fit of uncontrollable laughter while the golfers who were attempting to play the hole shook their fists violently and began hitting balls at his crumpled form. He then proceeded to "mumble semi-coherently about how nice the sun felt, squirmed around in the grass, and then just kept repeating 'It's HOT out here... Isn't it hot, isn't it hot you guys?" until police arrived to escort him off the course.

And Frisbee golf was born.
 
 

Other Frisbee Games

You'd be surprised how many other frisbee-centric games people have gone to the trouble of inventing. Here's a quick overview of the least uninteresting ones.
 

Guts

Old GuyI became excited upon seeing the title of this game, thinking that this was some sort of do-it-yourself version of the hit Nickelodeon television program GUTS (a show in which three ethnically diverse preteens participate in various awkward physical challenges while being heckled by the jaded, at-home audience, all of whom are watching the show ironically). Unfortunately though, it turns out that Guts is really just Dodgeball played by adults, with frisbees. Talk about disappointing.
 
Note: There also exists a slightly different version of Guts called Flutterguts, which was called this, I suppose, because the concept of adults daintily flinging frisbees at each other while giggling was not considered manly enough, and so someone decided to add the fairyesque prefix "Flutter" to it in order to make the game appear more masculine to outsiders.
  

Crosbee

Because the Wikipedia entry for this game provides no further explanation, and judging by the fact that the word "Crosbee" bears a passing resemblance to his name, I can only assume that this is a version of frisbee which was created to honor the memory of popular American singer Bing Crosby. And since the only two facts I really know about Bing Crosby is that he sang the that sappy old song "White Christmas" and that he was reportedly physically and emotionally abusive to his wife and children, I wouldn't suppose this version of Frisbee would be much fun. But then again, what do I know.
 

Disc Dog

Hanz: "Flaubert! Please to be throwing your frisbee at zat dog for him to be catching it!"
Flaubert: "Hup!"
Frisbee: *whirrrr* *pfft*
Dog's Mouth: *clomp!*
Hanz: "Vunderbar! Who's a good little Eisenbahnknotenpunkthinundherschieber?! Hmm?! Who's ze good boy?!"

Boys Night Frisbee!"Ultimate"

I'm a little worried that the creators of "Ultimate" might be overstating their case by calling it this. I usually find that a person doesn't want to set expectations too high for your frisbee-based sports. When people hear "ultimate" they think "extreme". They come to your match expecting to see men in wicker armor and spring-jump boots firing decapitator discs at other players from a repeating launcher. They don't expect to see "something sort of like rugby, with frisbees"

Personally, I would've probably gone with a name like "Slightly Less Dull Than Regular Frisbee" Frisbee, or "At Least it Isn't Just Plain Frisbee, Right?" Frisbee. Instead of Ultimate Frisbee. At least then people would know what they're wasting their time with.  
 


Well, that's all I have for now. I hope you and your loved ones have come away from this article with a deeper respect for this sport of kings.
 
Long live the disc!
 
 

About the Author
Frisbee is a registered trademark of the Wham-O toy company. Its first novel, "Jesus Lives in Trenton", became an international cult favorite, ans was followed by the fictionalized study of pyromania in "Everything Burns". Frisbee currently resides in the hearts and minds of everybody, everywhere.


Image Credits:
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