Worthless Guide to Fitness

Tony Fitness
I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age "medical" advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have judged the Kellogg’s marketing division too harshly. Certainly they couldn’t be all wrong. So after much deliberation I decided that there actually was part of this sentence that was true. It was the part where it said “I’ve often read”. So there you have it: Truth in advertising. Oh by the way, here’s an article about getting in shape. It's divided into two sections, one for fat people, and one for regular people.

 

For Fat People: Alternative Techniques


Fatty

If you’re fat, you’ll need to go about getting fit in different ways. You can’t just go down to the gym and start exercising. In fact, this can actually be quite dangerous. For example, what if you were running on a treadmill and your jiggling fat set you off balance causing you to fall onto the still-moving treadmill which in turn flung your hulking frame backwards through the plateglass window of the gym, sending it plummeting down ten stories onto three toddlers collectively cuddling a cute newborn puppy, crushing them all into a shapeless grey paste? Hadn’t considered that, had you? Irresponsible.

So what’s a fat person to do? You still want to get fit, but any attempts at exercise will most likely result in the deaths of one or more innocent bystanders. Well surprisingly enough, there are actually plenty of ways to lose weight without exercising at all! Here are a few of the best.


Become Addicted to Methamphetamine

Meth Jockey

Meth may be supremely dangerous and extremely harmful to your health, but it’s also a great weight-loss solution! Consider heading downtown to a street corner somewhere and picking up a gram or two of this wonder drug if you'd like an easy (and fun) way to lose a few pounds. And aside from weight loss, being addicted to Methamphetamine has other benefits. I won’t go into them all now, but let’s just say you’re definitely going to get a lot more housework done.

(Hey kids! For more fun information about drugs, see these three guides .)



Consider Anorexia / Bulimia

Purgetastic

Contracting either of these emotional disorders is a sure fire way to lose some pounds. If you’re not a big fan of food, try a date with old Anna. But if you’ve a soft spot for the taste of steak, Bulli might be more your style. If you’re still having trouble choosing, why not try both! Mark your calendar with the phrase “Spit not Swallow” on even dates, and “Splurge & Purge” on odd days. Your bones will be jutting out sharply like those of a semi-fresh corpse in no time flat. When you look into the mirror, it’ll be hard not to faint from pure joy (or malnutrition)!
 


Carve it Off!

Rusty Knife

This nontraditional weight-loss method has been practiced since the early 17th century. It’s quite simple really. You simply find a sharp implement such as a penknife or a rusty screwdriver (standard head, not Phillips) and begin gouging huge chunks of flesh out of problem areas. To minimize scarring, doctors recommend applying a topical ointment such as Bactine or Vasoline to the gaping wounds after the oozing has subsided.

 


For Regular People: The Gym 


Old Timey Gym

For those of you who might just be carrying around a few extra pounds, a daily trip to the gym is probably the best way to go if you want to get into better shape. But be warned, it isn’t all fun and games. There are hidden dangers and hidden tricks you need to be made aware of before you sign up for that membership.

 

Membership Tricks

Tricky

Gyms have an atypical business model which consists of forcing its patrons to purchase costly extended memberships (which last anywhere from two to a hundred and eighty six years) and then simply hoping they will become bored or tired and never come back. Obviously this works 90% of the time, as anyone who’s even had a gym membership can attest to. The thought process of a person considering heading to the gym usually goes something like this: Hmm, I can either...
 

  1. Continue lying here in this chair, scooping cheesecake ice cream out of this container with my bare hand while watching Judge Judy


    OR

  2. Get up, lock up the house, get in the car, drive to the gym, change my clothes, run on the treadmill for 15 (13.5) minutes, do 6 reps of 30 pounds on the bench press, lie on the leg press machine for 25 minutes until someone yells at me, do a few situps and decide to go home because I think I might be getting a stomach ache, take a shower, change back into my regular clothes, drive back home, get the ice cream back out of the freezer, lie back down on the floor, and watch the stupid news because Judge Judy is over.

I don’t think I need to tell you which one usually wins out.

 

Hired Goons

But of course there are still those strange souls who, against all odds, continue to visit the gym on a regular basis. Obviously the gym does not like this (it cuts into their profits or something, I don't know), and so they hire some underhanded fitness contractors (the secret shoppers of the fitness industry) to make your experience as unpleasant as possible. Here are some of them:


The Intimidator

Hired Goon

This is the guy on the bench press next to you with about eight thousand pounds on each side, thrusting the bar into the air again and again while SCREAAAMING with animalistic fury while you struggle with the bar pressed to your chest after doing a single rep of 30 pounds. This man was paid by the gym to do this in an attempt to intimidate you into leaving. But to be fair, the people standing around you laughing were probably doing it of their own accord.

 

Old Lloyd

Old Lloyd

If you’ve ever dared to change clothes or shower in the locker room at the gym, you’ve surely met up with Old Lloyd at one time or another. He’s approximately a hundred and twelve years old, and you’ll see him just sort of wandering around the locker room nude. He’ll come up to you for a chat while you’re sitting on the bench lacing up your shoes, putting one leg up on the bench next to you. If you happen to look over, there it will be. The Little Lloyd, dangling right there, inches from your face. You’ll never come back again.


Creepy Guy in Grey Sweatpants Who Just Sits There Staring At Women As They Bend Over to Pick Objects Up or Perform Other Activities Which Involve Bending or Stretching and You Can See a Bulge in his Sweatpants

Sweatpants Guy

I assume this one is self-explanatory.

 

The Guy at the Front Counter

Counter Guy

He’s short, has shaved head, always wears sunglasses, and his muscles bulge out from under his shirt in horrible thick cables. And these aren’t his only problems. He says, “What’s goin’ on bro?” when you arrive, and “Keep it real, bro!” when you leave. Oh, he also drives a Japanese motorcycle and parks it INSIDE the building in the entryway. Grrr.


 

The "Women"

Not a Woman

It’s likely you’ll see two types of women when you go to the gym. You’ll see Regular Women (which is fine, obviously) and then there are Horrible Throbbing Manbeasts Who Could Tear You In Half. Obviously this is not OK. You do not want to be sitting at a machine working out, and hear a gruff, gravelly voice behind you say “You almost finished with that machine pal?” and turn around expecting to see some Hell’s Angel standing there swinging a chain, but instead you’re staring up at a pulsating mass of orange muscle with a frizzy shock of sandy hair and arms like thick bridge support cables. Supposedly, at one time, this was a gentle and beautiful woman. Dear god…



I hope you’ve gotten some great ideas about weight loss from reading this, and are getting out of your chair to start a new fitness regimen right now. If you ever get discouraged, just try to remember that the first two letters of FITNESS are FI. Not sure what that could stand for, but I’m sure you can come up with something.