Worthless Guide to Drugs Part 3: Higher Still

Drugs 3
By Henry
Fact: Not all drugs are illegal. Every year Americans spend more than 38 dollars on safe and effective over-the-counter drugs such as aspirin, cough syrup, energy drinks, and cigarettes. These four legal drugs alone provide us humans with relief from some important symptoms (Headaches, coughs, low energy, and not hacking up blood due to cancerous lung polyps). This article covers the effects and histories of legal drugs like caffeine, tobacco, and cocaine (Note: Obviously cocaine isn’t actually legal, but that ruins the intro so just play along). Oh, and if you haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2 of this series, I think you should do that now because otherwise you won’t understand what’s going on with the plot.

Part 1 - Heroin, Marijuana, LSD, Mushrooms
Part 2 - Meth, Ketamine, Alcohol
Part 3 - Cocaine, Caffeine, Tobacco

Cocaine
Cocaine
History
If you’ve seen films like Scarface, American Gangster, or Animal House, you probably have a pretty good idea of how important cocaine is to American culture. But cocaine was around in some form a long time before these movies were released. In the 16th century a bunch of South American natives were chewing on coca leaves when the Spanish explorers arrived. The explorers were fascinated by this new drug, and celebrated this discovery by slaughtering a bunch of the natives and stealing it.

Then in 1890, this guy Albert Niemann figured out how to get the pure cocaine out of the leaves and went around blabbing about it to any company that would listen. Coca-cola decided to add it into coke (why not?) and later removed it, but it was too late and the damage to society was already done. Forever more a bunch of idiots would stupidly remark “Hey did you know this stuff used to have cocaine in it?” while drinking coke, as if they were revealing some great unknown secret to you. This is the dark shadow cocaine has cast across the face of humanity. Oh, and also all the lives it has destroyed too.


Effects
  • Hyperactivity / Restlessness
    Hyper Kid
    These effects are all well and good, but frankly I don’t think they are going to cut it for today’s youth. According to what I have seen on Frontline, most teenagers are already hyperactive and restless even without taking cocaine, so what the hell do they care? Oh, wait, maybe cocaine will affect these kids like Ritalin… Maybe it increases hyperactivity in regular people, but in hyperactive people it cures it! As a registered physician I hereby recommend giving children cocaine to cure ADD (Editor’s Note: No.)

  • Paranoid Delusions
    This may not seem so great at first, but I believe paranoid delusions may actually help a person in the long-term. I see them as a way to build confidence. They always say that if you believe in yourself, you can accomplish anything, and from what I hear cocaine is very effective in this way. If a man takes cocaine and begins to believe he can take on 12 Hell’s Angels in a seedy bar, catch a shotgun shell between his teeth at point-blank range, or leap screaming through the plateglass window of a Wendy’s, is that really such a terrible thing? Remember: You can’t spell success without belief.

  • Increased Sexual Interest and Pleasure
    Sexy
    Hot! Cocaine also increases the interest in sex and the pleasure associated with it? I certainly don’t see a possible downside to that!

  • Impotence
    Dammit! Well still, that isn’t so terrible. I mean, a bit of the old droop now and then never hurt anyone right? The positives still outweigh the negatives as far as I’m concerned, I’m still giving cocaine the thumbs up!

  • Acute Depression / Intense Cravings / Violent & Erratic Behavior / Convulsions / Muscle Spasms / Respiratory Failure / Life-Threatening Blood Pressure Increases / Stroke / Coma / Cerebral Hemorrhage / Heart-failure
    Brain
    Heh. Heh. Well those… Uh. Well you see I di—

    Nevermind.


Advice
Well, what do you think?

Final Note
Cocaine can also be made into crack, which is smoked. It goes without saying that smoking crack is probably not the best idea either.



Caffeine
Caffeine
History
Caffeine is found all around in a bunch of plants and places. So blah blah blah, the cavemen chewed on a bunch of random plants and found ones with caffeine in them that made them feel energetic, then the Chinese people made tea out of it and have been obsessed with it ever since (England too). Also, maybe you don’t know that chocolate has caffeine in it, so ever since there has been chocolate people have been taking it whether they like it or not. These days everybody is inhaling this crap. Blue collar workers are drinking approximately 50 gallons of acidic and nearly poisonous energy drinks a day just to keep up with their fellow employees.


Effects
  • Higher Mental Alertness / Clearer Flow of Thought
    Bulge Eyes
    It is said that caffeine allows you to think faster and concentrate better. Well I will tell you that I’m “hopped up” on caffeine right now, and this garbage is the best I can come up with, so you can decide for yourselves if these claims of higher mental alertness are true. The same thing goes for clearer flow of thought. If by clearer flow of thought they mean “an intense pressure behind my eyes, jittery hands, and an indistinct unease”, then yes, I am experiencing a clearer flow of thought right now.

  • Reduces Fatigue
    If you’re “down in the dumps” or just a little drowsy during the day, it might be a good plan to drink some coffee or something. Just be careful. If you are really tired and you drink caffeine so you can do some bloodsports or something, you could be in danger when it starts to wear off. Imagine you’re competing in the 19th Annual Arby’s Deathbowl 3000 and just as you begin to cross the balance beam over the pit of broken glass shards and jagged fiberglass sculptures (sponsored by Dell) you suddenly become exceedingly drowsy because instead of sleeping last night you drank some tea. As you begin to swoon you glance over at little son Nelo and your wife Charza in the audience just in time to see their faces contort in sheer horror as your foot slips from the beam. You hear the roar of the crowd and everything goes dark. The end.

  • Increased Urination
    If you have a little caffeine you can expect to have to go to the bathroom about every 30 minutes. This is because the caffeine stimulates the hyrenosythine receptors in your brain, which in turn dilates the major blood vessels of your kidneys, causing you to think that it’s time to urinate when it actually isn’t. You may also notice a bluish tint in your urine, and the smell of fish oil may fill the restroom. These symptoms are sure signs that I’ve simply made a bunch of stuff up to fill space. Hyrenosythine? Come on now.

  • Difficulty Sleeping
    Sleepless
    If you snort a 500Mg line of pure caffeine every day before church, don’t expect to fall asleep easily at night. Your brain will be chattering away and you will probably start running in your sleep even if you did finally pass out. Then you’d probably kick off the covers and freeze to death. Here is an old home remedy for insomnia that I learned from my dad though: If you can’t get to sleep, just take a couple of vicodins, a handful of sleeping pills, drink a bottle of fortified wine, and then put a plastic bag over your head before you lay down. Hmm, wait. Actually I think that might have been instructions for a painless way to commit suicide, you’d better not try it after all.  


Advice
Go wild with caffeine, it isn't going to hurt anything.

 
Tobacco
Smoke
(AKA Cigarettes)

History
Let's begin by saying that I hear 1 in 4 people smoke, so 1 in 4 people will most likely be disgusted and angry because of this section. That is in addition to the 3 in 4 people who are normally disgusted and angry just from reading a normal article on this site. We don't need any more of that, so please just skip this part if you smoke.

Tobacco has a long, drawn-out, and extremely dull history. But cigarettes are the most popular way to take it in. Suffice it to say that all throughout history people have smoked and it hasn’t really done anything (well, except for seating Tobacco Company executives atop a throne comprised of cancer-ridden corpses, deceit, and blood money).

Alright, alright, sorry about that. I’ll try to make sure this isn’t a depressing sermon on why smoking is bad and if you smoke and have children you are poisoning your own children and likely setting them up to be tiny cancerous orphans, and why perhaps you would actually be better off becoming addicted to heroin, because you would probably have more fun, have an easier time quitting, and also suffer less ill health effects. But I promise I won’t go there. Instead I will offset the darkness by filling this section with random happy photographs like this.

Lightyear


Effects
If I were to list all the effects of smoking tobacco, this section would probably extend to about twelve pages. And anyway who doesn’t already know that smoking cigarettes leads to:

lung cancer, kidney cancer, larynx cancer, stomach cancer, neck cancer, liver cancer, bladder cancer, esophageal cancer, breast cancer, pancreatic cancer, cervical cancer, peripheral vascular disease, colorectal cancer, gall bladder cancer, adrenal gland cancer, intestinal cancer, cardiovascular disease, stroke, bronchitis, oral cancer, birth defects, aneurysms, white mucosal lesions, decreased ability to taste and smell, cataracts, reduced fertility, macular degeneration (blindness), higher risk of miscarriage, SIDS, DNA Damage, gum disease, bone thinning, halitosis, hip fractures, high blood pressure, increased chance of inner ear infections, peptic ulcers, impotence, Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, decreased stamina & athletic ability, smelling nasty as hell, inability to write poetry, giggling, increased desire to play softball, inability to tell time with an analog clock, compulsion to purchase motivational posters, increased desire to wear panama hats, and an nearly uncontrollable desire to punch me in the face for listing all this.

So in light of all this, I’ve decided just to focus on the positives.

Whose Line

  • Could Reduce Risk of Alzheimer's
    There have been a few studies done where it was found that people with Alzheimer's are likely not to have smoked. They say this might mean: Smoking = Not As Big Of A Chance of Getting Alzheimer's. This truly is amazing news for smokers! Now if you happen to NOT be killed by any of the horrifying, frightening, and inordinately painful diseases listed above, there’s a small change you might be at a lesser risk of a disease you technically probably wouldn’t even realize you had. Comforting, isn’t it?

  • May Protect Against Ulcerative Colitis
    I guess ulcerative colitis is an inflammatory bowel disorder, and smoking might protect against it. But oops, smoking also increases your risk of Crohn's disease, the other form of inflammatory bowel disorder. Can't win em all.

    Quantum Leap

  • May Decrease Incidence of Acne
    Oh wow, how wonderful. So you’re less likely to get acne if you smoke, this is sure to make you more attractive to potential mates! Now all you have to do is hold your breath so you don’t breathe nasty cigarette halitosis in their face, make sure they don’t smell your clothes, your house, or your car, and marry them before you get any horrible diseases (or you give them some). That way they won’t be able to leave you because of the vows (sickness & health, etc).


Advice
Hey! Don’t smoke.

Kid Plant