Say goodbye to dull and uninteresting parties forever, with our ALL NEW Life of the Party Exotic Dancing service! Here’s how it works: Simply call our toll free, easy-to-dial 800 number (1-800-544-1345) and Life of the Party will possibly send one of our kooky and erotic strippers to the venue of your choice, absolutely free of charge! They might show up, but then again, they might not! The mystery is part of the fun with Life of the Party Exotic Dancers! You supply the barbeque, we supply the beef!
Now let’s meet just a few of our wet and wild dancers, any of whom could show up on YOUR doorstep TODAY!
Crazy Uncle Eddie
Crazy Uncle Eddie is the wild and wacked out owner of Crazy Eddie’s Motors in Downtown Havenbrook. And while this guy might not be your real uncle, but he actually IS crazy: Literally! Eddie was formally indicted by a federal court on a number of caaraaaazzzy charges, some of which include: Armed Robbery, Nonconsensual Sodomy, Kidnapping, and Felony Child Endangerment! Accept no substitutes; he’s the real thing folks!
Eddies got the moves, and he isn’t afraid to show them! Here are some of Crazy Ed’s On-stage Specialties:
- The Spread Eagle
- Knocking over drinks with elbow
- Shouting Ethnic Slurs While Slapping Own Rear-End
- Forceful Groping
- The Katmandu
- Petty Theft (Silverware, liquor, change, etc.)
The Reverend Krumb Kelley
“You always hear folks preachin’ bout the body and the blood. Well I don’t know much about blood, but I got the body for you right here!”
Fan your brow female parishioners, because the Reverand’s about to put the fear of god into your loins! Krumb Kelley is a famed televangelist, and he’s on a mission from god: To let it all hang out! After spending more than thirty years of unsuccessfully attempting to cast sin out of society, this holy man had a change of heart: If you can’t beat em, join em! Now he’s traded dignity for dollar bills, and removes his robes in exchange for a little donation in his elastic collection plate! But don’t assume this reverend’s lost his faith in the almighty; he still recites scripture and sings songs of praise while performing! We’d like to see Jerry Fallwell try that!
Here are some of the moves and songs in Rev. Kelly’s repertoire:
- The Splits of Turin
- That Old Wooden T - Song
- Cruci-funk-cion Body Popping
- Two Guys Named Dave - Interpretive Dance Condemning
- Y’all N****** Ain’t S*** (Compared to God’s Love) feat. Lil’ Scoop - Song
The White Rabbit
Old Rabbit here might look straight-laced, but once he gets a few grams of amphetamine in him: Watch out! He turns in to the world’s wildest party animal, so be sure and have the number for animal control and a rabies vaccine on hand; he bites! This dashing young gent spends most of his time slaving away as a clerk at Strichner, Olson, and Richards Law offices, but when the weekend rolls around, watch out ladies (and nonheterosexual men)! This unrestrained bundle of energy will have his clothes off and be thrusting wildly in your elderly aunt’s face before you’ve even heard the doorbell ring!
Rabbit is one of our most popular dancers, and once you read this list of his moves, we’re sure you’ll understand why:
- The Herk-and-Jerk
- Foaming at the Mouth
- Longing Glances at Underaged Girls While Eagerly Licking
- Compulsively Disassembling and Reassembling Complex Pieces
of Machinery or Engine Parts
- The Thrustmaster 3000
So run to the phone now, and dial our TOLL FREE number (1-800-544-1345), and receive your first Life of the Party Exotic Dancer 100% FREE of charge! Yes, that’s right, we said free! Our Life of the Party Dancers are great fun for Bachelorette parties, weddings, and family reunions! There’s no risk or obligation, so there’s no reason at all for you NOT to call! In fact, you would literally have to be a complete MORON if you didn’t pick up the phone RIGHT THIS INSTANT and dial that TOLL FREE number. IT’S JUST THAT SIMPLE!!! The dance of a lifetime awaits you…