True History of Game Consoles: Part 2

Urkel
In  Part I of  this series I covered a bunch of old-timey consoles, and probably some other stuff too. Honestly I can't really remember what I wrote about in it. I'm sure not gonna read that garbage again to find out either.

In Part II (that would be the part you're reading now), I've got some stuff I remembered off the top of my head about the Sega Genesis, the SNES, and some of the other major consoles that came out in the early 90s. Also, in case you're wondering why there's a picture of Urkel over there, it's because I needed something to represent the 1990s.
 

Part I - The Ancient Ones
Part II: Runnin’ In the 90s
Part III - Modern Day Catastrophists


Sega Genesis

GenesisThe Sega Genesis was released in the US sometime in 1989. At least I think it did. I do know that it contained a 16-bit CPU though. This really was amazing, and caused quite a stir at the time of the Genesis’s release.

Naw, actually that isn't true. Nobody cared. As with any console's specifications, it only mattered to the kids who decided the Genesis was their console of choice after recieving it from their parents as a present which they may or may not have specifically requested.



Advertising

SegaMy favorite thing about the Genesis was Sega’s advertising campaign. Their commercials always seemed to consist of thinking of the most embarrassing slogan you could possibly imagine, and then having some meth-addicted voice actor SCREAM IT AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS while terrifying hair metal played in the background and some fresh out of college graphic designer heaved similarly offensive neon abortions up onto the screen.

For example, one of their slogans was: "Genesis does what Nintendon’t." Let me just type that again. You should read it, and try to imagine the number of mind-altering substances an already mentally-disabled person would have to ingest in order to find it even remotely clever or humorous:

Genesis does what Nintendon't.

AsteroidGod. Sometimes, at night, I lie awake in bed and think about what would happen if an enormous continent-sized asteroid struck the earth. Certainly, it would destroy humanity entirely. It's likely that it would wipe away all traces of the many beautiful and amazing things we humans have managed to create. And of course it would wipe all of us out too, as well as every other species on the planet.

But you know, after reading this line, thinking hard about it, and imagining the faces of all the awful people who came up with it, I can't help but feel that maybe the complete and utter destruction of the earth wouldn't be all bad. If it meant that no sentient being would ever have a chance to read those four words in that particular sequence ever again, I think Our Blue Planet is a sacrifice I would be more than willing to make. So think it over, Fate, and let me know what you decide.

Oh, and also...

The controller was a real piece of garbage. Not only was it the ugly, but the design was surprisingly unintuitive. The thing was shaped like a half-melted plastic brick, and the D-Pad was stiff. It had only three face buttons (what is this, the stone age?) and the buttons were mushy and unsatisfying too.

Maybe Sega paid some EXTREME factory worker to accidentally elbow cans of Mountain Dew onto the controllers on the assembly line. EXTREME.. At least we finally figured out what Nintendidn’t do: Nintendidn’t create one of the worst controllers ever, as Sega did.


 Super Nintendo

Chewyball2

1991: The Super Nintendo Entertainment System is released. The word on the street was that it "rules". Whether it really did or not is for you to decide (hint: read this page upside-down for a clue).

In fact, the Super Nintendo was popular that it was supposedly responsible for the first documented case of a person committing murder in order to obtain a video game console. The story goes that this guy really wanted to play Yoshi’s Cookie, so he killed his whole family, and threw their bodies into a thresher.


Launch

HeadWhen you bought a Super Nintendo, you also got Super Mario World for "free". DO YOU HEAR THAT?! IT WAS FREE! YOU GOTTA LOVE NINTENDO, AM I RIGHT?!

Whatever. People really make too much of this, you know damn well they figured the cost of the game and whatever "consumer goodwill" would come about because of it into their sinister marketing plan.

I still say it's a good thing they included Mario on launch though, if only because I don’t think there were actually any other launch titles that anybody wanted to play. Here's a little challenge for you: Try to name one game the SNES launched with besides Super Mario World.
...
Well, were you able to name at least one? If you were, congratulations! Now you can get back to masturbating to that picture of Baby Mario, you horrible monster.

Peripherals

ScopeNintendo released a bunch of worthless peripherals for the SNES. Probably so all the the gullible saps out there would have something to waste their money on. And waste their money they did. There was the Super Scope, a gigantic bazooka/lightgun/dumb thing which was compatible with only a few games, all of which were pretty forgettable if you ask me.

Then there was the mouse. Yeah, a mouse. Who gives a crap, right? Poor kids who didn't have a computer could use it in Mario Paint, and a few other games came out for it too, like Little Zazar, Ripper Road, and Chinese Numbers Quest. And in case you couldn't tell, I just made those games up. This is because I don't care which other games used the stupid super nintendo mouse. Screw that thing.


Atari Jaguar

Jaguar These next two systems are only included so that I can make fun of them. The Jaguar cost about 10,000 dollars and approximately six games were released for it. Honestly, I never played any Jaguar games myself (who has?), but I found a list of them so I’ll just take guesses as what a few are about:

Myst

Oh great, now not only do I have to play Myst, but now I have to do it with a controller! The Jaguar version of this game must have taken centuries to finish. Unless the Jaguar had some sort of mouse peripheral. And if it did, I would like to go back in time and find someone who bought a Jaguar, the mouse, and a copy of Myst. Then I would proceed to murder that person. I think that would be pretty satisfying.

Sensible Soccer

OK, I just have one question for the developer of this game: “You are idiots.” Let me grade this game on my newly created “Is This a Good Idea for a Game Scale”

  • SoccerYou are developing a game for the Atari Jaguar, a system that approximately seventeen people own - Minus 10 points

  • You are developing a SOCCER GAME on the Atari jaguar, a system that approximately seventeen people own - Minus 60 points

  • You are developing a SOCCER GAME which you are planning to call SENSIBLE SOCCER on the Atari Jaguar, a system that approximately seventeen people own - Minus A Million points

Final score: -1,324,194.
Conclusion: You will not sell a single copy.

Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy

 I wish I were dead.


3DO

Who even considered this console as an option? Oh wait, I know: Rich people with tons of money to burn! Well the joke was on you, Richie Rich, if you bought a 3DO. Hope you enjoyed Mad Dog McCree. As a reward for those of you who did not waste your money on this console, here is a picture of a character from Mad Dog McCree who closely resembles character actor Sam Elliot:

McCree


Coming up next is Part III, which is really short, giving a one paragraph recap of each of the most recent consoles. I'm not sure why it isn't as long as the first two parts, but I think it's because the I am lazy.