Hi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!
Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)
Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.
STORYBayonetta is the story of a harlot witch named Bayonetta who travels around the world battling the forces of god. In this game you must murder angels (even child angels, called cherubs), murder innocent humans, travel to hell to buy guns, and engage in graphic sexual activity and nudity in order to score points.
Murder - Torture - Rape With Swords - Sexual Torture - Guns
You are a witch serving hell, so much of the violence in this game takes place against god's angels! Yes, you heard this reviewer correctly: In Bayonetta, you murder and torture angels. The torture comes in when you perform special moves, and (NOTICE: Please do not allow any children to read the following description, as it is extremely graphic!) at points she will become nude and cause a guillotine or other medieval torture implement such as a boulder or spinning wheel to appear and brutally murder the angel while laughing, causing blood, urine, and excrement to spray everywhere (even dripping down the screen at points). Even more shocking...she also spanks the angels with a paddle before murdering them.
This is one of the most horrible displays this reviewer has ever seen.
Shows the Female Body - Kiss Blowing - Leather Clothing - Crude Grunts & Shouting
I am ashamed to say that this game aroused the lustful passions of sin within my soul and loins more than I have ever experienced. As a good Christian man I have kept myself celibate for life as called for during the bible, so playing this game was especially taxing for me. My wife understands this and understands that I am saving myself for Jesus and that sometimes it can be hard to temper my sinful thoughts, so she was able to assist me get through this game somewhat by reading passages of the New Testament to me as I played.
The main character of the game is a shapely courtesan with large child-bearing hips and breasts. She dresses in tight leather clothing which reveals the fact that she is female. At points, when a special attack or move is used, her clothes will come off, revealing her supple pink moist flesh, bare shoulders, toned upper back, etc. This feature was obviously designed to entice children into sin.
She groans and moans and grunts so seductively while battling, I was overcome with fear that the game was going to cause me to involuntarily discharge what my youth pastor used to refer to as "groinal sin". To keep my mind pure and godly, I occasionally asked my wife to turn the game off and read me a story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul (the one in which a young firefighter rescues a litter of kittens due to prayer). While this did help to quiet my sinister urges for a time, but at a certain point my loins would begin to quiver and tremble to terribly that I was eventually forced to stop for fear that I would commit the act of self-relief.
Witchery - Sign of The Beast - Angel Murder - Transmogrification - Use of Fire
Not only is the main character of this game a Witch, she is female. The player can cast spells, shoot magic from their hands, and even transmogrify into a dragon, the act of which alone would be enough to give this reviewer a sin-induced head ache.
I realize this game was made in Japan, but I do think that is a valid excuse. Does their Grand Chairman approve of this? Does their false god Buddha? I would certainly hope not, but you never know what you're in for when it comes to the celestials.
I suppose I should not expect too much from people who think that it is acceptable for television to teach children how to be pleasured by a robot or transform into sex beasts. Sin begets sin begets sin.
Light Swears - Sexual Noises - Blaspheming
This product does not have many cusses, and that may be the only good thing I can say about it. Other than the sex moans this reviewer has previously mentioned, there is no bad language in this game aside from the occasional light cuss (crap, shit, etc) and obviously there is also quite a bit of blaspheming.
CHRISTIAN MESSAGEDon't make me laugh. The only thing Christian about this game is the paper the manual is printed on (as trees come from our lord). Other than that, you can expect a one way ticket to be in hell for eternity if you even play the demo of this game.
If you see it on the shelf at the store, do not approach! If you need to buy a more godly game which is close by it on the shelf, knock the other game to the floor with a stick or broom handle so it can be picked up safely. If this doesn't seem possible, ask an employee with colored hair or piercings to retrieve the other game for you (those who disfigure their bodies are already destined for hell, so there is no harm in having them commit additional sins to keep yourself on the righteous path).
FINAL JUDGEMENTEXTREME SIN!!!
Avoid this game at all costs.