The Baron's Film Korner: Hulks

HulkmaniaBy Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Greetings viewers, it’s your old pal The Baron here again with another great article! I apologize for not writing sooner, but my social life tends to get in the way. I’ve had to attend to the needs of my large and lovely girlfriend Tina lately, as she’s been down in the dumps ever since our dog Frenchie became pinned under the sink (don’t ask).  

Dead pugs aside; my life has been pretty sweet and sassy lately, partially due to the large number of superhero movies which have recently graced our theaters. So this  will cover the two Hulk films (the new one, and the old classic). I plan on making this a series so consider yourselves lucky.

Incredibly Hulk (2008)

NortonWhen I heard about this new version of the Hulk, I had my doubts. Edward Norton as the hulk? It didn’t seem right to me. Could the man who starred in An American History and Save the Last Dance really pull off the tremendous anger (and subtle hope) of Hulk? I didn’t think so.

Boy, was I wrong. So wrong in fact that my face was beet red after sitting down to watch this masterpiece. I don’t think I’ve been as excited during a movie since Underworlds 2. The way the director of this film (whoever he is) gets us to know the Hulk is positively breathtaking. The way he moves the camera and plays all those sounds at the correct moments really makes you think about how you can’t make a movie yourself.

Believe me, I’ve tried. At one point I attempted to adapt one of my short stories (Valor of Dragoons) to the small screen with a few of my close friends and LARPers as actors. Needless to say, it did not go as well as I had hoped (although I do think it was fairly decent).

HulkyThe film begins with Mr. Norton living in a shanty town in Mexico, and working at a Balls Guano (a disgustingly named energy drink) factory. He has kept a rain on his anger, and is living a quiet life of solitude. But eventually all heck breaks loose, and he cuts his hand on a conveyor belt, sending his precious juices into a bottle of Balls, which is then shipped off to America, where an old man (played stunningly by daring comic book artist Stan Lee) drinks the blood-tainted bottle.

This causes him to turn into a huge grey version of the hulk, and Edward is forced to return to the US to do battle with this menace. Along the way he takes a few college courses and reignites an old flame with the beautiful elf princess from Lord Of the rings and has a duel of wits with her dad, the army colonel from the M Knight Smalalan film Village.

Overall this movie was action-packed, (but I could have done with more action at the beginning).

9/10 stars (Successful!)

The Hulk (2003)

HulkerI figured I would also give you all a special BONUS review of the very first hulk film too. Unfortunately I am not old enough to have enjoyed the old Hulk series starring Billy Bixley, or I would have reviewed that as well. I hear it was great though, and I look forward to buying the DVD box set at some point.

But back to The Hulk. When this film was released, I remember trekking three blocks to the theater in my hulk costume. This was created by painting my face and half of one arm with green eyeshadow before running out, and then donning one of my father’s brown pant suits (the arms of which I had carefully removed with a pair of my mother’s pinking shears).

I arrived at the mall theater four hours early and took the spot I had earned at the front of the line. While I waited, I had to deal with my fair share of ridicule (being called a "retard zombie", having mud thrown at me, having my pants pulled down) from various “comedians” who happened to pass by. But I was on top of the world; it seemed nothing could get me down. That is, until the movie began.

Hulka HulkaThis Hulk film was apparently the directorial debut of Jet Li. From what I saw, I think from now on Mr. Lee should stick to performing his trademark form of martial arts in great movies such as the one where he wears a dog collar and the one he did with rapper Superman DMC. This hulk movie was awful. It was shameful. People don’t want to see the hulk portrayed as a wuss by some handsome European. We want to see him smash old trees, run a muck in the city, and kick apart baby carriages.

I am not a fan of talking during films, but I remember being unable to control myself shouting “oh my god!” during a number of particularly scandalous “romance” scenes between the hunk and the love interest (some tart who’s name I cannot remember). What I do remember though, is walking out twenty minutes in. This movie was reproachless.

1/10 stars (Failure!)

Give thanks to all for reading these reviews. If you’ve got any comments, Send Me An Email. And remember to check both these films out if you haven’t seen them yet! Keep your dial turned to this site for more of my reviews. Next, I am reviewing Batman Begins and Batman Begins 2 (which I feel should have been titled Batman Begins Again, but more on that later).

Bone Voyage!