By M. Anger
You don't like to be bothered, but someone just won't leave you alone. What can you do in this situation? Sure, you could drug them, drag them back to their apartment, pack a suitcase full of clothes, and then throw the suitcase into the river after burying them in a shallow grave in the forest, leaving a one-way European plane ticket stub on their kitchen counter for police investigators to find, and why not? Well I’ll tell you: There’s an easier way of being left alone, it's called being antisocial, and it doesn’t involve your uncle Lewis clawing fruitlessly at the lid of his makeshift coffin in the Pine Barrens just because he wouldn’t stop yammering on about his daughter. Read on to learn more about the methods I have devised for reducing social contact to a bare minimum.
Part 1 - The Rudiments & The Madness
Part 2 - The Ghost & The Killer
Principle of Avoidance
It is safe to say that nobody likes to deal with people who are angry. I have used this as the basis for my social avoidance technique, and thus far it has proven effective. The basic end you are trying to achieve is to appear as if you are constantly seething with rage in every situation; that the smallest thing might cause you to go berserk and begin overturning store displays while spouting vague rhetoric. When people see you, their reaction should be either “Man, she looks pissed!” or “I can definitely see that guy carving up a family of four.” The second is obviously preferable if you do not wish to be bothered.
Use Your Looks
Different segments of the population usually express their hatred for humanity in different ways. It is important to remember that even though you most likely do not share this hatred, you are attempting to appear as if you do. With these things in mind, you should always work within your range. For example: a short, fat, middle-aged black or hispanic man might not be best served by trying to pull off a Serial Killer form, because these races are not typically associated with serial killers (for whatever reason). White or asian youths with close-cropped hair, deep eyes, and corpselike complexion however, would have no trouble at all pulling it off the look of a serial killer (as evidenced by my own personal appearance). The most important thing to remember is to use societal stereotypes to your advantage; otherwise you’ll only seem quirky instead of frightening, and who wants that?
Forms of Repulsion
The remainder of this article covers what I call the three basic forms of repulsion. Each one is described in detail, and information on how best to pull each one off is included. Certainly this is not a science, and you should make substitutions in certain areas to better suit your own personality because hey, if you’re going to pretend to be angry simply because you don’t feel like talking to anyone, you deserve to have it your way. The three basic forms are: The Madness, The Ghost, and The Killer (which is further divided into the Serial, and Psychotic types). I might also mention that these three phrases would also be really cool names for members of a power trio death metal band of some kind, so feel free to use them if you want to.
The Con. Jumbling. Pitching. Long-Bombing. The Double Talk. Skitterchatting. Some of these are real terms (real?); others may be words which Roosevelt used to describe me to his mother during our tawdry love affair in the early 1960s. Lovely times, those who were there appreciate it most. Who’s to say which of these words actually exist? Who’s to say any of us even exist? Not me. Not you. Then who? Wellwellwellweeyyeell: Practice makes perfect, especially when you’re dealing with certain types of short-wave radios or Key slicing machines. Correct?
Do you see what I’ve done in that opening statement? It sounds like the ravings of a lunatic; a madman! Nobody in their right mind would continue to talk to you if you were to begin spouting off things like that. These ideas make up the first (and easiest) form of repulsion: Feigned Madness. The premise is simple: What type of person does everybody avoid? That’s right, a crazy person. Whether it’s the pantless homeless woman pushing a grocery cart down the street muttering about soup or the senile relative you’ve long since locked away in a home and forgotten about, crazy people are always given a wide social berth. One man’s negative is another’s positive, I guess.
You can pretty much choose what you want here as long as it’s suitably filthy and cheap, but there are some exceptions I would like to point out. Just because you’re supposed to be insane, it doesn’t mean you have to go all out with a costume. While something like a straightjacket covered in yellow stains might seem like a fun idea, it will draw a lot of unnecessary attention to you, most of it from local and state law enforcement officials. Getting "left alone" takes on a whole new meaning in prison, and I can’t help you out there. See THIS for more details on prison.
Here are some specific examples of how you should react in different situations.
A woman comes up to as you browse through shirts the department store and says, “Excuse me, do you think you could tell me what time it is?”
Pretend to glance at your watch, cocking your head sideways, tapping on the glass and putting it to your ear. Whisper softly to the watch and dart your eyes around the area. Begin to giggle and reply with a random word or phrase (maybe not even a number). You could say “Forty-Six”, “The Letter Q”, or “Windowpane”, it doesn’t even matter. After you’ve done this, you might try swatting at some imaginary insects, just for effect.
You’re enjoying your meal at a nice restaurant when a friend you haven’t seen in a while happens to spot you and comes over. They sit down and ask “Where have you been lately?”
Even though there are a few more flippant responses which immediately come to mind such as: “With your wife” or “Up your ass”, it’s best to stick with the formula here. Begin to rock back and forth in your chair, grasp your head in your hands and say something like “That billboard threatened me” or “I’m daddy’s little girl, sit me on your knee” over and over again. Scream and grab a handful of bread, wringing it like a wet towel in your hands. Then rub the pieces all over your face while sobbing uncontrollably.
You bring your purchases to the cash register at the grocery store, hoping for a speedy checkout. Unfortunately, the cashier is a little chatty and wants to make small talk with you, asking questions like “So how was your day” or “Did you find everything alright?”
Start jerking around and making little “meep!” sounds as if you’re being jolted by bursts of static electricity. Then cry “I want it all! I want it ALLLLLL!” while pounding on each food item as if passes by on the treadmill. Each time you hit a piece of food say “And this!” so that you’re constantly shouting “And this! And this! And this! And this! And this!” as the cashier looks on, horrified. Work yourself into a blind rage in this fashion and then vault onto the still moving treadmill and being punting food away while screaming “AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND THIS!” Casually step down and walk out into the crisp night air while approaching sirens wail in the distance.
Continue on to Part 2 (The Ghost and The Killer)