Animal Awards: Cats

Cat PirateI don’t even know what number in the Animal Awards series this article will be. Is it the 6th? 8th? It’s a mystery. But there are many more species to give worst-of awards to; I can’t stop to check now, so let’s just say this is the 9th in an infinite part series. In this one I’ll give out awards to the least accomplished cats in history, which should be interesting because cats never do anything at all.

Oh, and by the way: CATS!


GarfieldAnyone who knows anything would put this cat at the top of any “worst-of” cats list. “But why!?” you might protest, “Garfield is so funny!” Really? Is he? Here’s a short list of all the “jokes” in Garfield, and explanations as to why I assume they are supposed to be funny:

  1. Garfield likes to sleep (Cats like to sleep)
  2. Garfield hates Odie (Odie is a dog, an animal which cats stereotypically do not care for)
  3. Garfield likes lasagna (Cats don’t normally eat lasagna. It is a food for humans)
  4. Garfield hates Mondays (Many people don’t like Monday. This is likely due to the fact that it’s the day they normally have to return to work.)
  5. Garfield likes to eat (Cats eat)
  6. Garfield’s owner talks to him as if he were human (Cats are not human)

I think I’ve proven my point.

Fuck Garfield.

General from Cat’s Eye

CatseyeFor those who are unfamiliar, Cat’s Eye is a film from 1985 in which a tiny dwarf (or maybe a gnome or goblin) runs around sucking the breath from the mouths of sleeping children. I’m pretty sure there was some other stuff in the movie too but I can’t really remember. I certainly hope so though, because I think trying to stretch that premise into a 90 minute feature probably required a lot more padding than even 80s audiences were willing to stand for.

Anyway, in (what I assume was) the climactic final scene of the film, the little goblin man sneaks into a child’s room, scampers around through dirty clothes piles on the floor for a while (to build suspense I suppose), and then finally decides to climb up on the bed and suck the kid’s breath out. Blah blah blah, some other stuff happens, and then the cat General jumps up and knocks the gremlin dwarf midge into a shockingly dangerous window fan with no safety grill, where he is ground into red paste and sprayed all over the room. Then the kid wakes up and says “thanks General” and gives the cat a cat treat for saving his life. I don’t know, whatever.

But some of you might wonder why the cat General is "winning" a Worst-Of Cats award if he saved a kid’s life. Well first of all, it’s because I don’t think he killed the midgey thing on purpose, and second of all: It's because I said so.

So there.

Jenji, a mystical cat genie and his Super Sentai counterpart Smoky, from Mahou Sentai Magiranger and Power Rangers: Mystic Force

Hmm. Interesting. I was going to put a picture of this character here, but while searching for one I stumbled across this picture of Jenji Kohan (creator of the hit Showtime television series Weeds) and decided to put it here instead.

Thank you.

Numerous Unnamed Cats

The wikipedia page for “Famous Cats” (which I used to research this article) lists a bunch of these cats. Take a look at some:

  1. Godfather CatThe unnamed cat seen on top of telephone switchboard in 1955 movie Kiss Me Deadly.
  2. The unnamed cat seen in 1960 movie The Rat Race.
  3. The unnamed cat who hisses at Shemp Howard photograph in 1952 Three Stooges movie short Corny Casanovas.
  4. Unnamed cat who appears in "Fresh Step" litter commercials 2007
  5. The unnamed cat that Don Corleone has in his lap in the first scenes in The Godfather.
  6. The unnamed cat killed by fascists in movie 1900 (Film).
  7. The unnamed black cat that Neo sees a déjà vu of in The Matrix
  8. Unnamed cat who gets a free sandwich in Miracle Whip commercials
  9. The unnamed lions who eat the Three Stooges in the short subject You Nazty Spy, which ends with a burping lion wearing the Reichsführer's hat.

This really pisses me off. The criteria for becoming a famous cat must be supremely low if these loser cats are included on the list. Here’s a list of these cats' accomplishments.

  1. Deja CatSitting on top of something
  2. Being seen
  3. Hissing
  4. Crapping in a box filled with sand
  5. Sitting on an overrated actor’s lap
  6. Getting killed
  7. Being seen twice
  8. Receiving a free sandwich
  9. Eating the three stooges and burping

You have got to be kidding me with this shit. These cats have done nothing. NOTHING! Well except maybe that lion at the end. That’s actually pretty cool.

Baby Puss

Baby PussThis cat was supposedly owned by the Flintstones, but I doubt this is actually true. I only ever remember seeing him in the closing credits of the show, where he locks Fred out of the house. This scene always annoyed me: Fred puts the cat out, the cat climbs back in the window, and then manages to lock Fred outside.

Hey! Idiot! Just climb back in the window! AAAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHH! I am going to THROW THIS TV THROUGH THE GODDAMN WALL! Are you trying to tell me you were outsmarted by a saber-toothed tiger, an animal that wasn’t even smart enough to not go extinct? You disgust me. The two of you disgust me.

You know what, I think I’ll just give a worst cat award to both of you. That should learn you.