Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote

Whether they're being subjected to humorous physical abuse for failing
to have your dinner ready on time, conforming to misogynistic
stereotypes about driving ability, or emotionlessly drowning their
infant children in the bathtub due to severe postpartum depression and
psychosis, women can be a real handful!
 
But luckily the geniuses at Taipei Novelty Product Production Assembly
Line #124038 have come up with THIS
KOOKY GAG REMOTE
for all
those "guys" out there who just want to "watch the big game with their
buddies" without being forced to acknowledge the existence of the
"perpetually exasperated vagina-possessing nursemaid" with whom they
have chosen to become emotionally attached.

 
Let's take a look some of the key features of this remote
in-depth.
 
 

REWIND

Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote

While men may no longer be allowed to shackle females mentally (or even
physically), they can still celebrate their chauvinist heritage by
purchasing cheap, non-functioning television remote controls, pointing
them at a nearby woman, and pressing the "rewind" button in the vain
hope that the she will cease voicing her troublesome opinions, slip
into an early 18th century woolen dress, and immediately begin
performing oral sex upon them.
 

 

COOK/CLEAN/LEAVE

Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote

This group of buttons perfectly encapsulates the three main duties
which should be instilled into the mind of any woman who resides in
your home. It is important to remember that women are simple-minded
creatures, and can not be trusted to perform any overly complex tasks
which do not involve nurturing behavior or compulsory servitude.

Any
man who has allowed his woman to "try things for herself" (be it the
balancing of the household budget, the repair of a leaky faucet, or the
piloting of a motorcar) will know that ventures such as these are
foolhardy at best, and will almost always result in the female breaking
down in tears of rage at her apparent impotence.

 

BREASTS + OR -

Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote

Buttons to increase or decrease breast size on women!? Talk about
hilarious! Don't worry if you don't get the joke, it's some pretty
subtle satire. See, it's funny because men are said to enjoy large
breasts! Still don't get it? Here, maybe this'll help:

The Scientific Principle

"I am a heterosexual man. I realize that the breast is a collection of
tissue present on the upper torso of female humans. This tissue
contains the mammary gland, which secretes milk used to feed our young.
Females develop breasts during puberty as a result of changing sex
hormones, chiefly estrogen.

I realize that I likely find breasts
attractive because they provide a visual signal of sexual maturity and
fertility, which caters to my animalistic desire to reproduce with the
female to which the breasts are attached."*

The Actual Male Mind In Practice

"Uhhhuhuhuhh..." (Stares gape-mouthed at woman's breasts while emitting
a low, guttural grunting sound from deep in his throat)
 
 

MUTE

Amazon Oddities - Control Your Woman Remote

In the good old days a woman was seen and had sex with, not heard.
Unfortunately due to so-called "advances" in "human rights", women can
now speak their minds, wear nonrestrictive clothing, and vote.

So it
stands to reason that casual misogynists the world over would pine for
a magical "mute" button which, if pressed, would instantly transmogrify
that shrill, culturally emancipated harpy you married into the
Maximesque woman of your dreams (i.e. an emotionless &
uncommunicative cleaning robot/ejaculate receptacle who will stroke
your frail little ego by popping out and caring for any number of
heterosexual male children at your command without saying a single
word).
 
 
 

MADNESS SCORE: 0/10
This thing might be idiotic, but it certainly isn't insane. 0 POINTS.