In case you hadn't noticed, I'm this guy who runs his own website. This
makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a
baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars.
Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless.
So you just know that when I decide to review of a number of fairly old
films which I believe to be wrongfully beloved, people are going to
listen. And by "people", I mean "not very many people at all and
possibly nobody". And by "are going to listen", I mean "are going to
skim the intro and maybe the first paragraph and before clicking over
to an article written by somebody with actual talent".
In any case, here is a short list of movies I don't really like that
somehow made it on the IMDB Top 250, causing me to become slightly
Also it should go without saying that these rankings are bound to
change over time. As films (and people) grow older, the shine on
expensive blockbuster films begins to wear off, and most intelligent
humans start to realize that "Hey, maybe Return of The King
WASN'T the best movie of all time, and maybe I should obsess over a
film which actually deserves it". One would hope so, anyway
1. GRAN TORINO (CURRENT RANK #90)
To be clear: This was not an awful movie. The idea of creating
a "Clint Eastwood Growls Racial Slurs At Minorities While Brandishing
Firearms" is not a bad thing. However, squandering the idea of
a "Clint Eastwood Growls Racial Slurs At Minorities While Brandishing
Firearms" movie by creating am unintentionally hilarious laughable,
clichéd parody of one, is. Which is why the only top 250 list Gran
Torino should be on is a list of the top 250 "Clint Eastwood Growls
Racial Slurs At Minorities While Brandishing Firearms" films (in which
case it would probably sit at #3.)
Three Films Which Apparently Suck More Than Gran Torino
2. LEON (CURRENT RANK #34)
Near the top of my list of inexplicably beloved films is Leon, a dreary
little eurotrash box-office failure starring D-List French "superstar"
Jean "Neckbeard" Reno and a young Natalie "I Like The Water" Portman.
It was written AND directed (ooh la la) by Luc Besson, a man whose only
other notable filmographic achievements are being "that frosty-haired
fat guy who made The Fifth Element even more goofy than it should've
been" and subsequently "the director of the Fifth Element who went on
to direct a bunch of unknown French films but I'm sure that's not
because he couldn't get any other work it was probably because he
wanted to do something more personal yeah I'm sure that's it".
I'm not even saying that Leon is a bad film, and I can completely
understand why nerds would like it (Namely: "The Prepubescent Body of
Natalie Portman" (icky), "There Are Guns", and "It Seemed Pretty Artsy
To Me, A 14-Year Old") but I really don't understand how any adult male
could pledge his undying love and devotion to this movie with a
For example: At the time this is being written, Leon sits at #34 on the
top 250, right between Citizen Kane and Apocalypse Now. Let me just say
that again: Right between Citizen Kane and Apocalypse Now. It
just isn't right.
Three Films Which Apparently Suck More Than Leon: The Professional
3. CRASH (CURRENT RANK #216)
Hey everybody! That bald guy who wrote for Walker: Texas Ranger
thinks racism is bad and wants to relay this idea to us in the broadest
and most eye-rollingly awkward manner possible! Let's all celebrate
it's humorless absurdity and total disregard for anything approaching
authenticity by showering it with undeserved praise and awards and
never watching it again!
Three Films With Apparently Suck More Than Crash
4. V FOR VENDETTA (CURRENT RANK #168)
I can think of about a hundred and eight reasons why this angsty little
cum-dripping of a film should not be on a list of the "top" 10,000
movies ever made, let alone 250. But due to circumstances maddeningly
beyond my control, this astonishingly mediocre film about some mumbling
asshole in a stupid-looking mask "socking it to the man!" has become
immensely popular among a small group of people which I assume is
comprised almost entirely of elitist 13-year-old trenchcoat wearing
loners who split their free time between jerking off to scat videos and
walking around suburban shopping malls without swinging their arms.
How this joyless piece of shit made it on the list while the vastly
superior (and, to be fair, equally joyless) Equilibrium did not is
beyond my comprehension. Wait, actually it isn't: Marketing.
Three Films Which Apparently Suck More Than V For Vendetta
5. THE TRUMAN SHOW (CURRENT RANK #240)
What do you mean "A slightly above-average Jim Carrey movie I might not
mind watching if I came across it on The Hallmark Channel doesn't
deserve a place on a list of the best 250 movies of all time"? Have you
even seen the truman show? I doubt it. Because if you had,
you'd know that it's really deep and emotional and uplifting and stuff.
Jim Carrey is living in a FALSE WORLD man, it's like, a
microcosm of life. Like, if you went to college you'd know that it's
like that old philosopher's story. You know, the one about how we all
live in a cave in chains and the world is all paintings and shit.
Seriously, you should watch it, it'll blow your mind. Check out this
featured IMDB review (which was obviously written by a fuckin' rogue
scholar or something) if you don't believe me:
"When I first saw 'The Truman Show' I came out of the theatre
amazed. This is your first clue that you are watching something
different from your normal Jim Carrey movie. I love the dialogue,
camera shot, performances, direction, music, and running time of this
movie. There is nothing I would do to change it. I came away from 'The
Truman Show' feeling inspired which is the goal of good filmmaking Jim
Carrey was outstanding as Truman, underplaying him, not making him too
comic or too dramatic, but giving true sincerity when asked. "
Hell yeah son.
Three Films Which Apparently Suck More Than The Truman Show
6. AVATAR (CURRENT RANK #93)
I think it's safe to say that I didn't much care for Avatar (AKA Dances
With Wolves 2, AKA The Last Samurai 2, AKA Delgo 2, AKA James Cameron's
Fern Gully 2: The New Batch, AKA Jizzblanket 2: Jizzasaurus Jizz, AKA
but I know better than to criticize an obscenely successful blockbuster
film which has somehow managed to successfully blind the vast majority
of humans on planet earth to its shortcomings with a brilliant
combination of 3D effects and rock stupid dialogue which seems to have
been penned collectively by a group of elementary students well-versed
in stereotypical movie character tropes.
So maybe I'll just go ahead and keep my fat mouth shut about Avatar.
Three Films Which Apparently Suck More Than Avatar
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT
The worthless, unasked for opinion of a faceless run-on-sentence-using
jackass who runs a piece of shit website and has little else to do but
write a half-assed, overlong article about what is essentially the
world's more unimportant popularity contest as judged by preteens and
slit-eyed obese men who watch Naruto and play Japanese rape simulators.
But you can't really blame me for getting annoyed. I mean, come on, The
Truman Show, one of the best movies of all time?!