Driving Myths Busted: Part 2!

By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Howdy
folks, and welcome to part 2 of Spectacular Driving
Facts. I’m The Baron, and I’ll be your guide for the end of this journey across our highways.

Oh, and if you haven’t checked out Part 1 of this series yet, you can mosey on over and
check it out RIGHT HERE. But let’s dig right in and get to the final
three delicious driving tips I’ve got for you. Yumm!

I
once had a “friend” tell me that I should be careful while driving my
uncle’s off-road truck during a blizzard. Not only did he say that that
four wheel drive didn’t help a car stop faster, but also that I should
be careful driving a heavy truck because it takes longer to stop. Oh
brother! Needless to say, I laughed directly in his fat face, and
proceeded to set him straight with these facts.

1. Four Wheel Drive Improves Capabilities

There
is a reason four wheel drive cars are sold, and it isn’t because they
are worse in the snow. It’s basic car knowledge, all four wheels start
at the same time, and all four wheels brake at the same time. Better
acceleration, better braking. Anyone who thinks less obviously knows
nothing about off-road trucks. No question.

2. Heavier Car = Better Grip

I
shouldn’t even have to explain this, but I guess some people are just
idiots. A heavier car presses harder on the ground, therefore it has
better grip, therefore it accelerates and stops better. This fact holds
true on dry ground, rain, and in snow. ESPECIALLY in snow. Physics
doesn’t stop working just because of a little old snow.
 
And
hey, if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, ask them this little gem:
“Why do truck drivers put sandbags in the back bed of their truck in
the winter if it doesn’t help them stop?” They’ll be speechless.

Spinners Actually Do Give Cars a Speed Boost

You
may have seen spinners before. They are the hubcaps (also called
grills, by urban folks) which spin independently of the cars actual
wheels. They come in a variety of flavors such as chrome, silver,
sparkle, and milky dusk. They are actually quite stunning. I for one
have a pair on my Town & Country, and I must say, they have been
known to turn many a head!
 
Anywhoo, I had recently posted
on a forum I frequent about these newly required rims, explaining how I
enjoyed their look, and also how I appreciated the small (and I did say
small) speed boost they provided me. It was then that all hell broke
down. It wasn’t long before the topic was overrun by idiots shouting
about how I was a fool and an retard and that spinners did not make a
car go faster. The joke is on them, because they actually do, idiots.
 
“Physics
can prove this,” I posted, “observe and learn, cretins: Newtons first
law of physics states that ‘object in motion stay in motion’. This
applies to birds, this applies to bullets, and it applies to rims of
cars. PHYSICS AFFECTS ALL OBJECTS EQUALLY. When a rim is spinning it is
creating centripital force (AKA forward force). Since the rim is
connected by a bearing, when it spins it produces less drag on this
bearing, and in turn less drag on the wheel. You see what I’m getting
at: LESS DRAG = LESS WEIGHT. Combined with the centripital force (which
helps to drive the car forwards) this gives our car a bit of a nudge
each time the rim makes on revolution. To translate for the less
scientifically incline: THIS MEANS FASTER CAR. End of discussion. The
speed boost I get might be small, but it is a speed boost none the
less!”
 
Needless to say, I didn’t get many responding posts
refuting that gem. So there’s a moral here: Don’t mess with the best,
or die like the rest.

Sorry, Men Are Better Drivers Than Women

Lovely
ladies may have the advantage when it comes to fashion, painting, and
horseback riding, but put one of these chicky-poos on the road with a
cellular telephone and a bag of ring-dings, and: Watch out fella! Women
may have a lot of good traits (beauty, constance, love, etc.) but
coordination and the ability to pay attention to things is not one of
them. many-a-time have I been driving down the freeway only to see a
woman reading a book, talking to a passenger, or driving with her
window down. It really burns me up!
 
Whenever I see a woman
who’s been in a crash on the road, I have to laugh to myself. Be
irresponsible and that’s what you get, airhead! Maybe if you weren’t
checking your mascara or putting on your tampon during your morning
commute, you would have seen those breaklights. People never learn.
And yes, yes, before all you women email in, I realize that men
sometimes do these things too. They just don’t do it on the scale that
women do, and that’s my complaint. Straighten up and fly right, girls.
Either that, or learn to use those two chubby stumps you call legs.

That’s All She Wrote

Well,
that should about wrap her up for now. I certainly hope you’ve come to
a deeper understanding and appreciation of cars after reading this
article. I know I have (writing it, that is, tee-hee). Thanks loads for
reading, and drive safe out there kiddies.