I
don’t know anything about fighting, but I do know plenty about avoiding
fights. I’ve been doing it all my life. Mostly it’s because of my face.
It isn’t that great-looking or anything, but I worry about it
sometimes. See, it’s a good bet that if someone hit me in the face
they’d cave my nose in or something. Then where would I be? I’d have
to go around with some crooked ass Owen Wilson nose for the rest of my
life and I really don’t think I have the charisma to pull that sort of
thing off.
So anyway whether you’re a fellow sissy looking to pick up some crying
tips, or a lifetime bully who’d just like to know the mindset of the
guy who quietly murmurs something and closes his eyes when you threaten
him with violence, I’d definitely suggest that you read on to hear some
of my best pain-avoidance tricks. Who knows? You might just learn a
little something about what it means to be a man (not true).
I
don’t know anything about fighting, but I do know plenty about avoiding
fights. I’ve been doing it all my life. Mostly it’s because of my face.
It isn’t that great-looking or anything, but I worry about it
sometimes. See, it’s a good bet that if someone hit me in the face
they’d cave my nose in or something. Then where would I be? I’d have
to go around with some crooked ass Owen Wilson nose for the rest of my
life and I really don’t think I have the charisma to pull that sort of
thing off.
So anyway whether you’re a fellow sissy looking to pick up some crying
tips, or a lifetime bully who’d just like to know the mindset of the
guy who quietly murmurs something and closes his eyes when you threaten
him with violence, I’d definitely suggest that you read on to hear some
of my best pain-avoidance tricks. Who knows? You might just learn a
little something about what it means to be a man (not true).
Run
Here’s
a good myth: The best way to win a fight is by simply walking away.
Yeah. Right. Thanks for the hot tip, Chacho. While I appreciate the
sentiments behind this advice (“Be the bigger man!” “Don’t give into
violence!”), it really isn’t practical at all. If you grope the
girlfriend of some meth-addled trucker and he wants to kick your ass,
turning your back on him probably isn’t the best thing for you to do at
that point. He’ll just go, “Nice, thanks!” and cave in the back of your
skull.
So no, walking away isn’t going to solve anything. RUNNING? That’s
another story. My motto has always been: They can’t punch you if they
can’t catch you! The way I do it is: Act like I’m going to fight them,
get all into it, start yelling and screaming like, “COME ON YOU
BASTARD! COME ON! I’LL CUT YOU! I’LL CUT YOU GOOOOOD!” and then out of
nowhere I’ll just turn and book it out of there as fast as I can. I’m a
pretty fast runner, so I can usually get away. Also, if you factor in
the extra burst of speed I often get due to being terrified of being
punched, I’ve got an even better chance of escaping.
Best case scenario? They get all confused, giving me just the head
start I need to duck around a corner and cower behind the counter in
the deli. Worst case? They catch me and beat the hell out of me anyway.
Either way, nothing lost.
Feign Mental/Illness
This
one is handy in situations where you’ve accidentally done something
stupid to the wrong stranger and now they want to beat the hell out of
you. Take a car accident for example: You run a stop sign and smash
right into the side of some hick’s new truck. As you step out of your
car, and he storms up to you, screaming and ready to fight. If you’re a
good enough actor you can probably play on his sympathies enough to get
him to back off. Check out this list of personality traits. The more of
these you’re able to fake, the less likely an attacker is to hit you:
1. Lisp
2. Stutter
3. British Accent (Possibly). While most people find a British accent charming, there are some who find those who use it grating and pompous. Use with care.
4. Mental Retardation. It may not be politically correct, but if it gets you out of a beating, I say go for it.
5. Bum Arm/Leg. Actions like
limping, dragging one foot behind you as you walk, and curling your
fingers into a ball can elicit feelings of sympathy from attackers. If
you can also gaze up at the sky and say something folksy like
“Hmm…sterm must be a-brewin…I’kn feel it in me leg. Always give me
fair warnin’ fer foul weather, th’old leg’a mine. Oh
werr-a-werr-a-werr-a.” this will help a great deal too.
7. Deafness. It isn’t as easy as it seems, but pretending to be deaf is a good way to get sympathy.
Again, none of these is guaranteed to work, but the idea is to REDUCE YOUR CHANCES OF RECEIVING A BEATING in any way possible. So try a few out.
Cry
Most
people will dismiss this tip out of hand, but it truly is an effective
beating-deterrent most of the time. It works especially well if you’re
a grown man. Just imagine the puzzling mix of shock, pity, disgust, and
scornful delight an attacker would feel if a grown man simply began
sobbing, grasping at his leg and blubbering, “Please don’t hurt me!
*sniff* Oh pleeeeasse don’t! *snort* Mooommmyy,
Maaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa-mmyyyy!” with tears streaming down his face. He
wouldn’t know what to think. But more importantly, he also wouldn’t
know what to do. You can’t just start hitting a guy while he’s doing
that. Well, I suppose you COULD, but someone that evil is pretty rare
(and probably would’ve beat you up anyway).
If you start sobbing, most people would just laugh in disbelief and
walk away muttering about how pathetic you are. And that’s the key to
another important lesson I’ve learned in life: They can’t take away
dignity you do not have.
That Goes Double For You, Women
I
know I gave an example which involves a man crying, but this method
works even better if you are a Woman. For one, you’re not supposed to
hit a woman (for SOME reason), and two, you DEFINITELY aren’t supposed
to hit a woman who’s crying. Pretend crying is not only a great way out
of a fight, it’s a great way out of almost any undesirable situation!
Boss yelling at you? Start crying. Cop pulls you over? Start crying.
Kids won’t stop fighting? Cry it up.
And, if you REALLY want to get the point across, pretend you’re
pregnant too. People eat that shit up! Let’s say you’re in a bank when
suddenly a group of men run in with high-powered rifles planning to rob
the bank. You’ll almost certainly be taken as a hostage. But who wants
to take a pregnant woman hostage? That’s right: Nobody. So curl up on
the floor and clutch you stomach while sobbing, “My baby! Oh god, my
baby which I am 8 months pregnant with! Oh loord! Oh lordd spare my
baby for every child is a life!” Not only will they let you go free,
but one of them’ll probably help you out to your car himself. Sheeeat,
you women have got it made in the shade.
Feign A Heart Condition
This
tip is specific to older men and women. When you’re this age, getting
out of a fight is easy for one reason: Old people always have heart
attacks. Any time you feel threatened, all you need to do is squeeze
your face up, clutch your chest with one hand and cry, “My heart!” and
fall to the ground. If your attacker still doesn’t believe you, produce
a bottle of pills, sputter the words “my pills”. and then proceed to
fumble with the cap in a feeble attempt to open it.
“I’m gonna kick your ass, pops!” quickly turns to, “Somebody call 911,
this mature gentleman is having a heart attack!” At this point you can
either try to escape before the ambulance arrives (not likely) or just
ride to the hospital with them, check in under a false name, and then
slip out that night under the cover of darkness. It’s that easy.
Call the Cops & Lie
This one is my personal favorite:
Threatening to call the cops at the slightest provocation. Like if you
bump into a guy at the beach and he starts yelling at you, immediately
say, “That’s it I’m calling the police.” If he still doesn’t back off,
call them and say something like: “Can you guys come quick I
accidentally spilled my drink on this guy at a bar and he threatened me
and said he was going to kill me and he has a knife and says go ahead
call the cops I’ll carve me off a slice of bacon and could you please
come quick thanks.” and then hang up.
Obviously none of this really
happened, but when the police get there, they’re going to be more
likely to believe you (a loser wearing tiny shorts, a pink Ninja
Turtles hat, and a frontpack) than some pot-bellied guy in a yellow
muscle shirt who sweats Bud Light. You can probably rile him up enough
to get him sent to jail for at least the night, especially if he’s been
drinking.
Just Be Pathetic
The thing angry people hate most is seeing and hearing happy,
successful people. If some sociopath is stalking through the park at
night looking for a fight, he’s usually gonna be more prone to take out
his aggressions on some sunny extrovert in a business suit, not some
sad-sack piece of crap in a silk Dragon Ball Z t-shirt with six days
growth of beard.
Follow these rules:
1. No whistling. Not only does whistling signify happiness, it’s also very annoying. So cut it out.
2. No skipping.
Don’t skip around. This should go without saying, but most people hate
skippers. I know if I saw someone skipping around I’d certainly want to
cut their face up a bit, so you can be assured potential attackers will
use this as an excuse to assault you as well.
3. Get fat. It’s a proven fact:
The fatter you are, the less likely it is you are going to be assaulted
or robbed. Have you ever heard of some morbidly obese guy in one of
those courtesy carts getting mugged? No, of course you haven’t. It
never happens.
4. Walk a few feet behind a significant other. Seeing
an attractive and apparently happy couple together will send many
violent maniacs into a blind rage. So play it safe when walking through
a bad part of town and separate. For example: allow your girlfriend or
wife to lead the way while you follow 100 or so feet back with your
hands in your pockets, kicking at trash in the street and muttering
“Jeepers. What a lousy deal; what a bum rap.” Alternatively, you could
also break up.
5. Above all, remember: Just Be a Pathetic Piece of Human Garbage. You
don’t want anyone to say “Look at that asshole, I want to bash his
brains in.” you want them to say “Look at that poor asshole, at least
I’m better than him. What a loser piece of shit.”
But hey, that’s really all I’ve got on avoiding fights. That’s good enough, right? I sure hope so.