Worthless Guide To Funerals

Also, I have to tell
you that I couldn’t (read: did not want to) find any interesting
pictures relating to funerals, so instead I have included a number of
photos which depict animals who appear to be smiling.

And with that…Funerals!

THE VIEWING

A lot of times at a funeral, they’ll set the body out
so everyone can have a look at it. Depending on how well you knew the
dead person, your reaction to seeing their corpse will range from “I’m
sad” to “How long do I have to stand here looking at this thing?”

Here are do’s and don’ts for viewing the dead body:

• DON’T
  clap or yelp in the deceased’s face.
  The family probably won’t appreciate it, even after you explain that
  you were “just trying to see if it was really dead.”
• DON’T
  attempt to open the casket at a closed-casket funeral. It is closed for
  a reason (and this reason is usually that the deceased’s face looks
  like hamburger because they ratted-out the
  mob subsequently took a couple point-blank shotgun blasts to the face).
  You have been warned.  
• DON’T
  loudly shush other mourners around you and then say in an
  obviously annoyed tone, “Would you people PLEASE keep it down, I’m
  trying to view the corpse!” Also: put down that popcorn. 
• DO
  peer inside the coffin and then exclaim, “Dear god, she’s dead!”, dial
  911, report that you’ve found a dead body. People may not find it
  amusing at the time, but then again, it’s the thought that
  counts. 
• DO
  understand that while it might be borderline acceptable to comment on
  how comfortable the coffin looks, climbing in to see for yourself
  is definitely crossing the line.

THE SERMON

Most of the time you’ll have to sit and listen
to a lot of preaching at a funeral. It’s obnoxious, but it can’t really
be helped. Try to find something to bite down on. Uncle Merle
died
peacefully, and they try to make you feel better that he’s dead by
telling you he’s running through rolling green fields even though in
the 30+ years you knew him you never once saw the angry old shithead
out of his filth-chair, but whatever.

Interestingly enough, at funerals nearly everyone is
posthumously awarded “Good Christian” status, even if they weren’t even
slightly religious. Obviously this is disingenuous, but I suppose it
makes sense. Most families would probably get upset if the priest
started talking about how Satan’s minions are gleefully feeding Merle’s
testicles into a the gears of an early 19th-century milling machine and
eternally shoving white-hot railroad spikes up his ass because he had
sex with a Dutch woman during World War 2. 

ADDITIONAL TIPS & TRICKS

When it comes to funerals, there are far too many unwritten
rules for me to relate here, but here are a few of the most important:

1. Even if you didn’t like the person who died,
   you probably shouldn’t shout “Hooray!” when the priest announces
   they’ve gone
   to a better place.

Hmm…that’s actually all I’ve got left for funeral tips. That’s OK
though. The rest of them can just be tips & tricks for everyday
life: 

1. If you have problems with road rage, one thing you could
   try is replacing your car’s stock horn with one that plays “La
   Cucaracha”. That way, when another motorist cuts you off in traffic and
   you instinctively slam on the horn, you’ll no longer release a sharp
   blast of distressing noise (causing further agitation to both yourself
   and the offending party). Instead, you and those around you will be
   treated to the sprightly toots of a whimsical Mexican jingle.

   No longer will anger beget anger on the highways and byways of America
   The Beautiful. Torrent of curses and middle fingers will be replaced by
   broad, apologetic smiles and an enthusiastic “thumbs up!” in
   recognition of a job well done.

   It’s like the song says: “Ya murió la cucaracha, ya la llevan a
   enterrar. Entre cuatro zopilotes, y un ratón de sacristán.” (The
   cockroach just died, now they take her to be buried. Among four
   buzzards, and a mouse as the sexton.”)

   A mouse as the sexton indeed! Truer words have never been spoken.

2. Remember that episode of Full House where D.J. and
   Stephanie accidentally bash a big hole in the wall of Danny’s closet
   with a coat rack? He comes into the room, but before he can see what
   they’ve done, the girls freestyle a song about him as a distraction so
   he won’t see what they’ve done. 

   This always bothered me because as far as I know, they never repaired
   the hole and Danny never finds out about it. I just think that
   particular episode sent the
   wrong message to kids.

3. I’ve always wondered: Can only humans be ghosts, or do
   other species become ghosts as well? Where’s the cutoff? I’ve heard of
   ghost pets (cats and dogs), but what about monkeys? It seems like there
   should be more ghosts of them since they’re our closest
   relatives. 

4. And even if only humans become ghosts, at what stage of
   evolution did this begin? Does the brain have to reach a certain level
   of cognitive ability for ghostery to begin? Did early hominids qualify?
   Were there Neanderthal ghosts? Australopithecus ghosts? Inquiring minds
   want to know. 

5. In fact, how do ghosts even work within the confines of
   modern human development? There are plenty of stories about crying baby
   ghosts, and giggling child ghosts, so obviously they qualify, but what
   about earlier than that? 

6. Like for religious fundamentalists who
   believe life (and thus the creation of a “soul”) begins at
   conception, then surely  there must also be ghost fetuses and
   ghost zygotes. Perhaps it begins even earlier. Maybe there are even
   sperm ghosts and egg ghosts.

   Pretty spooky.

AN ENDING

After the funeral is over, go ahead and eat some food. For
some reason it’s always just snack food like Cheez-Its and
pretzels (and maybe a lunchmeat plate). But why not serve a full meal?
Funerals are a draining, unpleasant slog and it wouldn’t hurt to reward
the attendees with pizza and burgers or something.

Anyway, just a thought.