It’s
surprising to me how little most people actually know about cars.
Everyone drives them, but it’s rare for a person to pop the hood and
gander at the green guts of these great beasts of the road. For
example, the other day I was chatting with my friend XtricitY, and he
made the outrageous claim that a souped-up honda civic could best a
stock dodge viper in roadbattle. I set him straight (natch) but not
before coming down with a gnarly headache, which was no doubt brought
on by my friend’s terrifying ignorance.
But I suppose you
can’t expect people to do their own scientific research in these
troubled times of ours…I’m sorry to say that youtubes has overtaken
the dictionary and thesaurus as the reference book for our generation.
It’s a sad state of affairds. But hey, you didn’t come to hear me wax
prophetic about the death of sneakernet, so let’s get to some little
known facts about cars! Verooom!
It’s
surprising to me how little most people actually know about cars.
Everyone drives them, but it’s rare for a person to pop the hood and
gander at the green guts of these great beasts of the road. For
example, the other day I was chatting with my friend XtricitY, and he
made the outrageous claim that a souped-up honda civic could best a
stock dodge viper in roadbattle. I set him straight (natch) but not
before coming down with a gnarly headache, which was no doubt brought
on by my friend’s terrifying ignorance.
But I suppose you
can’t expect people to do their own scientific research in these
troubled times of ours…I’m sorry to say that youtubes has overtaken
the dictionary and thesaurus as the reference book for our generation.
It’s a sad state of affairds. But hey, you didn’t come to hear me wax
prophetic about the death of sneakernet, so let’s get to some little
known facts about cars! Verooom!
1. Cars Control Better at High Speeds
been told our entire lives that speeding is bad. Balloney! Here’s a
fact for you: 99% of all car accidents occur at or below 90 miles per
hour. Pretty astonishing, no? So why exactly do so few accidents happen at
high speeds? Listen and learn, kiddies.
Fact: Speeding Heightens Reflexes
Anyone
who’s ever driven a car at high speeds knows exactly what I mean.
Whenever a person drives fast, adrenaline begins to pump from his heart
to his brain, increasing his fight and flight response. This means not
only can he react to any danger (such as a dead child or a garbage in
the road) at lightning speed, but the increased fear he feels means he
is less likely to take risks.Think about it: When is the last time you
changed lanes without signaling, turned the channel on the radio, or
flipped the dirty-bird to another driver when you were in fear for your
life? That’s right, never. Strike one.
Fact: Look at NASCAR Drivers
Those
boys pull off some bitchin’ manuevers at high speeds! Sccreeeeet! Knock
it into first gear on the straightway! Green flag! Pop open the wine
coolers!
Strike Two.
Fact: Speeding Adds Downforce
For
those who don’t know it, downforce is defined as the ability for
gravity to push your car towards the earth. As a car goes faster and
faster it begins to exert less pressure on the ground below it (since
it’s DOWNWARD momentum is being exchanged for FORWARD momentum) and
this allows gravity to push it towards the ground even harder,
streamlining it and making it easier to control.
If you’re
having a difficult time imagining how this would work, try this
experiment. Stand still next to a wall and push on it. You’ll see it’s
easy to put a lot of pressure on that wall. But now try running as fast
as you can and try to push on that same wall while you run. You’ll
barely be able to push at all. This is how gravity works too. So in a
car, at faster speeds you get greater downforce, better steering, and
better gas milage. Amazing no?
Strike three.
2. Old People Can’t Drive For C$%#
We’ve
all heard the stories: An old woman steps on the gas instead of the
brakes and smashes through the front wall of the drug store, killing
four. While these stories might be good for a laugh, the truth is that
hundreds of senior citizens drive on our roads each day. And that’s no
laughing matter.
Just think of the last time you were in
traffic, and some old crone was puttering along in the lane in front of
you going 55 in a 60. Whe something like this happens, you have little
or no time to react! A number of times I’ve actually had to swerve into
oncoming lanes or shift into reverse to avoid a rear-end crash. Not
only is this dangerous, it’s a hazard. It’s a wonder more accidents
aren’t caused by all this old trash blowing around in on our streets.
So
people over 50, listen up: You have cable TV, meals on wheels, and
prescriptions can be delievered. THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO
LEAVE THE HOUSE. Stay there if you know what’s good for you.
3. Marijuana Driving = Safe
You
may have heard your local corner store stoner babbling about this one
day as you popped in for a Mountain Dew: “When even I pop a spleefy I
can drive even better than while sober!” he might have been heard to
remark after popping up a mary jane or two. Most people would dismiss
this sort of herky-jerky jibberjabber as fiction, but in fact it is
not! It’s true!
Numerous studies done by scientists and
industrial engineers have shown that driving while weeded up is
actually beneficial to some people. It’s crazy, I know, but 100% true!
The reasons for this are actually quite simple if you know anything
about this drug. Here’s the least you need to know about the positive
effects of marinjaua.
1. Increases Blood to
Eyes. Some scientists believe this might account for better sight
in those who pop a weed pill before hitting the trails.
2. Causes Time to Slow. At first this seems like a
negative, but when driving, it’s greatly beneficial. Imagine being in a
Matrix-style battle scene, except in your car! One can really see how
this could help avoid accidents.
3. Makes You Laugh.
And in my eyes a happy driver is a safe driver. Who can imagine a
pot-puffer shouting at a jaywalking pedestrian or cutting off a
slow-moving van? Maybe in a comedy film, but not in real life!
But
as with all things in life, positives always come with negatives.
Here’s some of the downsides you can expect when you suck on that pipe:
1. Nausea. Ganji is known to cause this in many patients. Watch out!
3.
Higher Instance of Sexcrime. Those who smoke it and those who spend time
with smokers are far likelier to be sex-crimed by a loved one (or worse). Yikes.
4. Losers Smoke. We might have had a bit of a laugh here to day, but
remember that marijuana weed is dangerous and immoral. The Baron
doesn’t condone taking drugs of any kind. Stay off the leave and stay
in school, kitties. And that’s the bottom line.
Continue on to PART 2 of this article.