By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
Believe
it or not, I was actually subjected to a good deal of bullying in my
grammar school days. I suppose the other kids were jealous of my
superior brain-power, and they bullied me in an attempt to cut me down
to their intellectual size. Of course it didn’t work.

See, I
had this mantra, and I would chant it aloud as I walked through the
halls: “You can try to smash my sandwich at lunch, but I will snatch it
from your hand: Hyah! You can try to throw a landscaping brick at me
during gym, but I will dodge it with the speed of a majestic lioness:
Rowr! And you can try to elbow me off the auditorium stage, but I will
sprout dragon’s wings and fly off to glorious lands: Whoosh!” I think
this made bullies think twice before giving me grief.

Boy
oh boy, I think any kid who has been picked-on can tell you the answer
to this! But for parents and teachers, recognizing bullying is probably
not so easy. Here are some sample situations. See if you can tell which
are bullying, and which are not.

Tommy
is sitting in calculus and accidentally makes water in his pants. One
of the other kids sees this and asks (pretty loudly) if Tommy has peed
his pants. Then all the other kids in the class stand up to look. One
other kid comes closer and says “He did piss, oh my god! It smells sooo
bad!” and the whole class begins to laugh. Tommy runs out of the class
and hides in a bathroom stall and doesn’t come out until 6pm when some
janitor comes in and makes me leave.

Yes, of course it is. The bully who saw the urine should have minded his own business and kept it to himself.

Jimmy
is on the way to the comic store on a Saturday when a group of boys on
trick bikes rides by and one of them yells “Heeeey fatty, nice
fatpants!” and then they all speed off laughing. One of them also
throws a plastic drink bottle into the grass.

Definitely.
The comment about the pants was obviously meant to be sarcastic.
Anyway, it’s likely that Jimmy isn’t even fat. He probably just can’t
exercise because of asthma and has Supertasters which means he can’t
eat vegetables or health food without gagging (look it up people).
Also, littering is a pretty serious crime.

Every
day while Sally is in the library studying, a group of girls from her
class (not her friends) come and sit at her table. They begin making
fun of the cheap clothes Sally wears, telling her she is ugly, and
saying how they saw her mom at the supermarket and her mom had short
hair and how they bet she is a lesbian. Sally begins to cry every time
and the girls all walk away laughing.

Not
really. First of all, women technically cannot bully (of be bullied).
Ever since the so-called “women’s rights movement” women have been
trying to take away everything that makes men different. First we give
you the right to vote, then you want the right work jobs, and now you
want bullying too? What’s next, equal pay? Please. Women are wearing
away at the moral foundations of this country. Oh, and also, they tend
to be oversensitive, like Sally here. Get over it girlfriend.

Comebacks

Now
that you know what bullying is, I’ll go ahead and teach you how to
respond to it (the verbal portion anyway). Whenever someone insults
you, you should be able to snap back with some witty report that will
leave them speechless. This section is mostly directed at kids, but
adults who are being bullied might find some helpful tips here too.

Clothing

Bully: Hey nice shirt, did your lesbo mom buy it for you at K-Mart with her welfare check?

You: Actually, she did. Thanks for the compliment!

What
we’re doing here is called “turning the table”. The bully came in
expecting you to be hurt by his comment, but now he thinks you’re happy
about it! Boy, I’d love to see the bully’s face when you lay this gem
down.

Breasts

Bully:
(In the locker room before the big game) Hey nice boobies! Look
everyone, Jason has fat boobies on his fat woman chest! (flicks your
nipple).

You: Oh
yeah! I like that! Do that to me again big boy! I love it when a big
strong man like you touches me in my lady parts. (Begin moaning gently).

This
might seem like a bad idea, but I have the feeling it would probably
work. If you’ve got breasts, you’re probably pretty fat. So the guy
flicking you probably isn’t into fat guys, so he will be confused and
leave you alone forever now.

Either that or he’ll be happy you
like him, and perhaps the two of you can go out on a date. See, bet you
didn’t think you would ever be in love with a bully, but now you see it
can actually happen!

Looks

Bully: You’re ugly. Everyone in this school hates you and they think you’re ugly too.

Everyone Else in the School: Yeah, that’s pretty much right.

You: Oh
yeah, well guess what people: I’m sweet, I’m sassy, and I’m confident
in myself, so all of you can go to H (don’t actually swear, it’s a
sin.) Also, you might be interested to know that my motherand all my
aunts and uncles actually think I’m a pretty sexy guy, so I don’t need
your approval. I’m OK with being me!

I’ve
got no doubt that all your bullies mouths will be hanging wide open
after you come out with that little doozy! “Wow!” they’ll say, “He’s
cool, he’s confident, and he’s in the zone! Maybe we were all a bit
hard on him. I guess we can be friends after all. Let’s go play lazer
tag! Come on Tony, let’s go, you’re one of us now! We all love you!
Horray!”

In the next section of this article we’ll
cover physical bullying, as well as fighting techniques. I hope you
check it out, because I think you’ll find that battling bullies can
actually be fun!