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Worthless Guide to Playing Guitar

Ever since I was a small child I’ve dreamt of being a rock star. One of my fondest childhood memories is dancing in front of our television, rocking out with a broken broom to a Whitesnake music video my father was watching. “Boy,” he said to me, taking a drag from one of his brown […]

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Things to do Before You Die

Who the hell comes up with these “Things to do before you die” lists. Swim with dolphins? Spend New Years Eve in Times Square? Stay out dancing all night? You have got to be kidding me with that crap. I figured I could find better, so I took to the streets and asked six fascinating […]

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Life of the Party: Exotic Dancing Service!

Say goodbye to dull and uninteresting parties forever, with our ALL NEW Life of the Party Exotic Dancing service! Here’s how it works: Simply call our toll free, easy-to-dial 800 number (1-800-544-1345) and Life of the Party will possibly send one of our kooky and erotic strippers to the venue of your choice, absolutely free […]

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How To Shop For a New Car

Buying a new car can be a stressful experience, and people usually have plenty of questions about the process. How does negotiation work? Is the dealership trying to rip me off? Do I need rustproofing? What happens if I plow through a bustling outdoor marketplace on a test drive, killing dozens; isn’t the salesperson responsible? […]

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Worthless Guide to Fitness

I once read that a healthy body equals a healthy mind and soul. Afterwards, I crumpled up the granola bar wrapper it was printed on and threw it into the trash, scoffing at the notion that anyone would follow vague, new-age “medical” advice from product packaging. But afterwards I became worried that I may have […]

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Worthless Guide to Social Graces – Part 2: Table Manners

Table manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to […]

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Behold! For I am Otherkin! (Feel My Power)

Being Otherkin is a lot like being black in the 50s. What I mean by this is that coming out of the closet as an Otherkin (like coming out as a black person) can be dangerous to your health. I personally have had people shout slurs at me in the park, had a large carton […]

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Worthless Guide to Survival – Part 4: Urban Environments

When most people think about survival they usually imagine themselves hurling crude spears at boars in the Amazon, or brushing snow from their beard as they slog through waist-high snow wearing a bearskin overcoat. These images come from the most common survival scenarios (Disastrous Jungle Treasure Hunt & Arctic Plane Crash, respectively) but it’s important […]

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Most Superpowers Are Worthless (A Guide)

Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But […]

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Awful Scifi Tech: The 6th Day & Total Recall (Creepy Android Edition)

By Kevin Funnyman Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in two reasonably popular science fiction films, The 6th Day and Total Recall. Aside from taking place in the future and being goofy to the point of near insanity, these films also share another common trait: They both contain supercreepy androids. In The 6th Day it’s SimPal Cindy, […]

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Sainted / Tainted 2: Wheelchairs & Roofjumpers

By Kevin In today’s episode of Sainted & Tainted: Wheelchair Accidents, Elderly Roofjumpers, Identity Theft, and much more!

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Growing Old: A Guide for Fogies & Spinsters

Nobody ever asks an old man’s opinion. Probably because most people just don’t care what he thinks. “What can an old fool like that tell us about the world anyway?!” One of these people might shout to you over the wind as he grins and jerks the wheel of his convertible towards a raccoon in […]