Smells They Could Probably Make Into Candles

Gotta
tell you: Not a big fan of the whole scented candle thing. Never have
been. The problem is that these scents they choose for the candles are
just so uninteresting. Like, I’m looking at the website for Yankee
Candle right now. Look at these “top-selling” scents: Fresh Cut Roses?
Tropical Fruit? Lilac Blossoms? Booo-ring! You might as well just crawl
into your casket right now if you think those are interesting, because
brother: You’re already dead.

Then, look here, they have Beach Vacation AND Beach Walk. What the hell is the difference!? What, beach Vacation
just smells like plain beach, and then for Beach Walk they include the
smells of all the soiled condoms and discarded syringes you find washed
up on most beaches? Awesome.
 
But anyway, these scented
candle makers really need to get more creative or they are going to go
out of business. Luckily I’ve decided to help them out by compiling
this list of the candle scents I’d most (and least) like to see.
 

I
don’t know about you, but I’m from America, and here, everybody loves
the smell of fresh gas. And why wouldn’t they? The scent of gas is the
scent of freedom. The freedom to do whatever you want. Want to drive a
hundred miles an hour down a residential street? You can do it if you
want to. Molest a kid? Go right ahead, you’re an American. Fire a
semiautomatic weapon into a crowd of protesters for no apparent reason
at all? Why not? These actions are your right as a citizen who has
purchased gasoline for an engine.
 
So that’s why I’m
petitioning for a gasoline scented candle: So people from all countries
(and not just American citizens) can experience the noxious aroma of
combustible carcinogens filling their nasal cavity and reminding them
that they are free.

Go
on, stick your face right in the vent and smell it. Smell it. Smell it!
SMELL IT DAMN YOU! Oh yeeaah…you like that don’t you? You love it.
That’s how you get your sick kicks, isn’t it, you sick son of a bitch.
It’s how you get your jollies. Go on, smell it some more, you know you
want to. Do it. Come on. Do it. DO IT! Mmmm…there…isn’t that
better? You just can’t get enough can you? You’re insatiable. Now get
out of my sight.
 
(So even though I don’t encourage this
sort of thing, I think air conditioner scented candles would probably
be a pretty good seller.)

You
know what I mean, it’s the smell you get when you first walk down the
stairs into a dark basement in the summer. That’s the smell of dank.
That’s the smell of mold and mildew clinging to the concrete blocks.
Sometimes I go down there just to have a few lungfulls.

Sure, inhaling
a bunch of shit like that is probably gonna give me lung polyps in
about 30 years (or at the very least least bronchitis) but I still say
it does my old soul well to head down into a basement and have a few
puffs of that subterranean dwarf air.

Yes,
I know they already sell book scented candles. But the ones they sell
aren’t right. They smell like NEW books. Fuck those books; that isn’t
what I’m talking about. I’m talking about that smell you get from some
ancient book you get from the public library. Like some Wizard of Oz
book from 1905 or something. Musty old pages and sort of a hint of some
old lady’s far-too-flowery perfume.

The kind that if you smelled it on
some woman as she whisked by you in the grocery store you’d cough and
choke, but for some reason when you smell it in a book it makes you go:
“Mmmm…smells like dead grandmothers.”

To
me, the smell of fresh tennis balls a guilty pleasure. First of all, I
hate tennis, so it isn’t like smelling it conjures up lovely memories
of me prancing around my high-school tennis court in tiny white shorts
or anything. The only memories I have of tennis playing in that era are
“accidentally” hitting the ball as hard as I could so it goes flying
off into the thick brambles and bushes in the ditch by the road so I
can go pretend to be looking for it for 10 glorious non-tennis-playing
minutes and get poison oak in my eyes but obviously I don’t care
because shit at least I didn’t have to play fucking tennis. Some to
think of it, those are actually some pretty good memories after all.
Try to make me play tennis, will you? I showed em. The bastards.
 
 But
about the tennis balls, they smell exactly like what they are: Rubber
covered in cheap fuzz. They smell sort of nasty but I just can’t stop
sniffing. Sort of like when you dig something out of your bellybutton
and you can’t stop smelling your finger even though it makes you gag.
Not that I’ve ever done that. It’s just what I heard some people do.
 
 

So
I hope that’s given all you scented candle manufacturers out there some
idea of what I’m looking for. I’ll expect all of these scents to come
out sometime in the near future. If you could just email me and let me
know once you’ve released them, that would be super. Thanks.
 
Oh,
and all you scented candle aficionados out there: Be sure and check
back soon because next I’ll be going over a list of all the scents I
DON’T want to see. So if your life is empty enough that something like
that seems even  remotely interesting, stay tuned.