Hearing people say words is a normal part of life in our hectic modern world. Unless you’re completely deaf. I guess then it’d probably be pretty shocking. Well, unless you’re a deaf schizophrenic. Then you might not be too dismayed at hearing a disembodied voice. Unless of course it was the voice of that goodnatured-but-emptyheaded coworker who constantly says “Are we havin’ fun yet?” without realizing it makes everyone absolutely despise them.
Although…what if you were a schizophrenic who’s been deaf since birth? Then you wouldn’t even know what human speech sounds like. So if the voice of, say, Micheal Landon popped into your head one morning and started saying things like “Chew on that baby’s arm”, “Those dogs are laughing at you again”, or “You should probably masturbate into that aquarium” it would just sound like gibberish.
You wouldn’t even know it was the voice of the dreamy-eyed heartthrob who played “Pa” on Little House on The Prairie you were hearing, so the fear you felt wouldn’t even be mitigated by whatever fond childhood memories would’ve been conjured up by hearing his voice. Anyway, just some food for thought.
Celebrity last words!
DICK CLARK
Television Host and Producer
“I don’t get why Jesus agreed to carry that crucifix to his own crucifixion. Just refuse! What are those soldiers gonna do, crucify you more?”
MARLON BRANDO
Actor
“I’ve always wondered if anyone ever had the nickname “Suitcase”. Like: Mike ‘The Suitcase’ Winslow or something like that. I mean, it doesn’t seem particularly cool or anything, I just wonder, you know?”
PAVEL CHERENKOV
Russian Physicist, Nobel Prize Winner
“Maybe I’ll become a reverse flasher….I’ll go to the park, stand in front of a couple young girls, and then slowly put on a warm coat.”
PAT MORITA
Actor
“Cutting your arms is kind of a cryptic cry for help. I wonder if anyone ever thought to actually spell out ‘HELP’ with the cuts. That’s a good tip.”
SHIRLEY TEMPLE
Actor and Diplomat
“I wonder whatever happened to that old-timey thing of holding your finger under your nose when you were about to sneeze. I kind of miss that.”
POPE JOHN PAUL II
Pope
“If you think about it, the phrase ‘tear you a new one’ is pretty graphic.”
ISAAC ASIMOV
Science Fiction Author
“A person could have plenty of reasons to drag a horse behind their car. For all you know, the horse owed them money. You just never know.”
SUN MYUNG MOON
Religious Leader
“I’ve always said that if some old guy gets caught with child porn, they should turn the tables and make him star in a porn movie for kids. Eye for an eye.”
ROSA PARKS
Civil Rights Activist
“I, for one, remain skeptical that EVERYBODY was kung-fu fighting’. Surely there must have been abstainers in the vicinity.”
JOHN DEMJANJUK
Ukrainian-American Nazi War Crimes Defendant
“The narrator in ‘Hush Little Baby’ has a lot to learn when it comes to the bribing of children. Hey you guys wanna know what kids love? Jewelry! Mirrors! Horses-and-carts! Yep, horses-and-carts. Babies and medieval peasants. Can’t get enough.
MICKEY ROONEY
Actor
“Finding a dead body is always traumatic, but sometimes you get lucky when the corpse you stumble across happens to be wearing sunglasses. Obviously it’s still not the best experience, but for some reason it seems to soften the blow.
Like, imagine opening the bathroom door and finding your great uncle dead on the toilet. Horrifying, right? But now, imagine the same scenario, but this time he’s wearing some cool wraparound shades. See? Not quite as bad.”
JESSE HELMS
United States Senator
“Sometimes I’m watching porn and suddenly they just zoom in on a guy’s face. Who watches porn to see grimacing faces? I can see that on the street.”
SAMMY DAVIS JR.
Actor, Dancer, and Singer
“I’ve always said that there are way too many towns named Stillwater. If you ask me, they should change some of them to be named ‘Toone’s Alley’ instead. That’s a much better name.”
LUCILLE BALL
Comedian and Actor
“One thing you don’t often see is a black ghost. Well I guess Ghost Dad was black, but then again that movie was probably fiction.”
JOHN CANDY
Comedian and Actor
“They say living well is the best revenge, but I don’t know about that. Torture seems like it’d be pretty good revenge too.”
RICHARD M. NIXON
Disgraced US President
“I don’t get why people get all bent out of shape when a house of cards falls. Hey maybe stop building things out of cards, idiot.”
ELISABETH KUBLER-ROSS
Psychiatrist
“I think my favorite thing about babies is how they can’t report any of the crimes they witness.”