I took a deep breath, rang the doorbell, and smoothed out my skirt. This was it. I was about to meet the man of my dreams.
The door opened, revealing an extraordinarily handsome man in a white leather three piece suit. He extended his hand, “Hello, I’m eccentric billionaire Rick Mexico. I made my fortune by being successful in big business. I’m looking for a sexually-active woman with whom I can share my material and emotional riches. Won’t you come in?”
“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Mexico,” I said, stepping into the foyer and fanning my brow with an ornate Asian fan, “You’ll have to forgive me for not returning your handshake, but your masculine jawline has my heart fluttering like the pages of a butterfly book.”
“You’re not so bad yourself, sweet cheeks.” He laughed a meaty laugh, and his eyes began scanning my body like a pair searchlights on a big city skyscraper.
“Heavens!” I blushed, looking down at the sea of Rainforest Green Polished 12×12 Marble Tiles which blanketed the entryway floor. “But…I’m just a frumpy small-town dog groomer with a caged and lonely heart. What could a gorgeous mass of muscle like you possibly see in a woman like me?
“Well…would you like me to tell you?” he asked, sucking his ring finger seductively.
“I…suppose that would be alright.” I yawned, trying to play it cool although my heart was jackhammering like a jackhammer. “But try not to get too graphic. I’m terribly shy.”
He stepped forward and began gently stroking my cheek with the back of his hand. I shuddered with delight as his knuckle hairs brushed the corner of my mouth. “You’re the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen in all my years…” He pulled off my sunglasses and passionately tossed them across the room. “Your eyes: Two sparkling forests of rosediamonds a man could lose himself in for hours…” He produced a silk napkin from and dramatically wiped the lipstick from my mouth. “Your lips, two plump, mostly-hairless caterpillars, pressed together for warmth on the dusty, pockmarked lunar surface of your gorgeous moon face…” He grasped a handful of my hair, yanking my head back and gazing longingly up my nose. “Your nostrils: moist caverns of sensuality a man could squirm into and sleep for days…”
I pulled from his grasp, swooning, and fell to the floor. “More! Tell me more!” I cried, enraptured. “Shower me endlessly with compliments! Reassure me that I’m desirable! Validate me as a human being!”
He continued, “I am awed by your skullcrushingly powerful thighs, and your mushy-soft arms are warm and inviting, like the tubes of unbaked sugar cookie dough my mother used to leave on the dashboards of cars at our summer home.” He slapped me on the behind and added, “Also you are smart and men and women are equals.”
“HOT DIGGITY!” I screamed, tearing at my clothes, “TAKE ME NOW! LET’S DO THE NASTY!”
He grasped my hand and began to lead me deeper into the mansion. “In a moment my dear, but tell me…have you ever made love on a wildebeest?”
“No, but I’ve dreamt of it ever since I saw the Lion King as a little girl!”
We stopped in front of a set of large oak doors. I was grinding my teeth in anticipation. He threw them open, revealing a vast indoor gymnasium and wildebeest track.
“Heavens to Betsy!” I exclaimed, pulling at the collar of my shirt. “Parallel bars? Trapezoidal freeweights? Looks like this is gonna be one wild night!”
“You don’t know the half of it.” Rick said, pulling out an antique pistol and firing it point-blank into one of my kneecaps.
“THAT IS SO HOT” I screamed through waves of mindsearing agony. “HOW DID YOU KNOW MY GREATEST SEX FANTASY WAS HAVING MY KNEECAP SHATTERED BY A HANDSOME AND IMPROBABLY WEALTHY MAN WIELDING A LATE 18TH CENTURY FIREARM.”
“Lucky guess?”
“Enough chitchat,” I growled, grasping him by the lapels, “Are we gonna do some dirty work at the crossroads or what? I’ve lost a lot of blood.”
“Alright,” he grinned, pulling a nearby lever to open the wildebeest cages, “I hope you’re ready little lady, cause I’m about to rock your world…hot ‘n spicy; Texas style!”
The wildebeests closed-in, snarling and snapping. They were definitely hungry.
But then, so was I (meaning I wanted to have sex).