What follows are my reviews of several items which are known to be sold as products. The following things are reviewed herein: The Gambler’s Mustache, A Large Boulder, a sack of insects, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit.
Please note that anyone who wishes to purchase these items can do so by giving a set amount of money to the business or person that lists them for sale. I don’t know where you can buy them though, so don’t bother asking me if you can’t figure it out.
PRODUCT 1: GAMBLER MUSTACHE (ADULT) – $2.99
Product Description
The Gambler mustache is an excellent finishing touch to your cowboy or old western sheriff costume. It is self-adhesive so it is easy to use and comfortable to wear. Hat and Shirt are not included.
My Review
As a professional card sharp who was recently diagnosed with Liptop Alopecia, I am always on the lookout for a quality Gambler Mustache at a reasonable price. Unfortunately for me, the costume shops and wig shops in my area carry only cheap entry-level mustaches. These are often made from cheap synthetic hairs and are rarely (if ever) suitable for an adept mustacier such as myself.
For my purposes I require a high-grade mustache of thick and luxurious proportions. It must cover the mouth fully. It should droop slightly, but not hang limply. When immersed in water, it should emerge with a shimmer, and the hairs should not clump or cling to the lip. When brushed with a fine-toothed mustache comb it should part smoothly and delicately, with little fuss.
Some (myself included) might say it would be foolish and unreasonable to expect an inexpensive facial accessory such as the GAMBLER MUSTACHE ADULT to conform to such lofty specifications. But color me surprised: Not only did the mustache meet my requirements, it exceeded them thoroughly! With its adhesive backing, substantial heft, and luxurious mouth feel, those who pick up this mustache will likely never need to concern themselves with another. Three cheers are in order for this wondrous achievement! Hip Hip! … Hip Hip! … Hip Hip!
FINAL SCORE: 4/12
PRODUCT 2: LARGE SYNTHETIC BOULDER
Product Description
Ideal for landscaping designs and for accenting waterfall scapes. 18″H x 35″W x 27″D. 35lbs.
Review
Those in the market for a large novelty boulder need look no further than this particular product. You can be assured that friends and family will thrill upon being allowed to view this faux slab of granite which is probably made of some sort of polymer or something.
Use it to display a beloved child or pet (not shown in photo). Use it to clamor up/over during a frolic or romp. Yes, it is even possible to simply use it to create a fantasy setting in one’s backyard. Once purchased, this product can be used for any purpose whatsoever (aside from those disallowed by local statues).
It should be noted that this boulder is indeed hollow, but never fear: This was likely done deliberately to keep shipping costs at an affordable level.
PRODUCT 3: LAPAROSCOPIC GASTRIC BYPASS KIT (FAMILY PACK)
Product Description
Laparoscopic Gastric Bypass, 3 Unit / Case 1 BAG BEDSIDE WHT 6.6X3.5X11.75 1 BASIN EMESIS 700CC 1 BLADE NO.10 1 BLADE NO.11 2 BLADE NO.15 1 BOWL 32OZ GRADUATED 1 BULB SYRINGE ASSEMBLED 24 CAV 1 CAUTERY PENCIL RKR W/HLSTR 1 CONTAINER SPECIMEN 4 OZ. 1 CUP MEDICINE 2OZ (AIN) 1 DRAIN PENROSE 1/4X18-LF 1 DRAPE ENDOSCOPY 1 FOG REDUCTION 6GRAM 10 GAUZE 2X2 12PLY 10 GAUZE 4X4 16PLY XRAY 10’S 1 GOWN NON REINF XLG/CSR/TOWEL 1 GOWN NONREINF SONT XLG 1 LBL:WHITE .5 X 1.75 9/CARD 1 LID FOR 2OZ. MEDCUP 1 LID FOR SPEC CONT 51778 BLUE 2 LIGHT HNDL COVER SOFT 1 MAYO STAND COVER STD 1 NDL CNTR DBL MAG 20CT 1 RULER FOR SKIN MARKER 1 SKIN MARKER 1 SYR 10CC CONTROL 1 TBG INSUFFLATION LUER LOCK 1 TBG SUCTION .25IN X 144IN 1 TBL CVR 60X90 HD, BNS 1 TIP CAUTERY COATED 10 TOWEL OR BLUE PRETREATED 1 UNPRINTED POLY BAG SPEC Product photo may not exactly match the product offered for sale. Please refer to the product description.
My Review
I’ve been fat for as long as I can remember. I’d never given much thought to until last year, when I finally thought about it. After that I decided to take action by buying a pack of these kits and performing my own surgical procedure.
Now that might seem crazy, but you know what’s even MORE crazy is the cost of healthcare these days in “Old Glory” AKA The United States of America. For example, a “professional” gastric bypass “surgery” performed by a “registered physician” who has been “trained” and “licensed” by “the” “government” can run anywhere from forty-hundreds dollars to an infinity dollars. Would you rather pay that, or however much these kits probably cost? That’s right. I thought that would be the answer you’d give.
The best part is that you get three in a box, so you can mess up twice without having to reorder, which can be a real hassle when you’re lying disemboweled on the kitchen island and bleeding so heavily that the blood is waterfalling down on all four sides so if your kid walked in they might think, “Looks like one of those old chocolate fountains for parties but a different shape and filled with blood instead of chocolate, and instead of a chunky little chocolate cupid being on top of it there’s my fat dad and he’s dead.”
PRODUCT 4: A SACK CONTAINING 4500 LIVE LADYBUGS
Product Description
4500 LIVE LADYBUGS (HIPPODAMIA CONVERGENS) USED FOR ORGANIC “PESTICIDE FREE” GARDENING. THESE LADIES EAT MOST SOFT BODIED INSECTS, INCLUDING APHIDS, WHITEFLIES, MEALYBUGS, SPIDER MITES ETC. ETC. THESE LADYBUGS CAN BE USED IN YOUR GARDEN OR FARM, YOUR CHILDS SCHOOL GARDEN, GREENHOUSES, ANYWHERE PESTS ARE PRESENT. MAKE GREAT GIFTS. EACH COTTON BAG CONTAINS APPROX. 4500 ADULT LADYBUGS ENOUGH TO TREAT ABOUT 3000 SQ FEET. DETAILED EASY TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED. FAST SHIPPING!! LARGER QUANTITIES ARE AVAILABLE. THESE LADYBUGS ARE NATIVE TO THE UNITED STATES. SORRY NO SALES TO HAWAII..
Review
I originally purchased these bugs with the intention of using them in an erotic direct-to-DVD thriller I was producing with my son, and I have to say I am more than satisfied with my purchase. After wrapping (movie lingo) on the film, I decided to release the remaining bugs (approximately 4,200 of them) into my home as I had heard that they make excellent pets. This turned out to be the case, and these ladybugs quickly became valued members of our family.
My one complaint is with the included instruction manual. The seller claims that the directions are “easy to follow” but I had trouble figuring out how to get three or four of the bugs to function properly at first, as they would refuse to obey basic commands, even when flicked or burned.
I called the 800 number and it turns out that these bugs were actually dead (of natural causes). I was a little annoyed, but the customer service rep agreed to overnight ten replacement bugs to me at no additional cost. Excellent customer service!
FINAL SCORE: 3
WRAP-UP
I hope you’ve found these reviews to be useful and informative, as it has always been my deepest and most intimate desire to be of service to the discerning internet consumer. I am fulfilled. I feel so alive.