As of the time this is being written, the year is 2010. It is
officially
The Future. Not quite what you expected, right? From what I was told,
by this time were supposed to have become a race of golden brown
superhumans with cheap and easy access to all the sex goggles,
synthetic tree bark, and all the child abuse simulators we could carry.
Obviously this has not come to pass. Unfortunately, when it comes to
cool future technologies like hoverboards or pianos that play
themselves (!), science has failed us utterly, electing instead to
focus its efforts on decidedly un-fantastical technologies like heart
valve replacement surgery, cordless telephones, and low-sodium Wheat
Thins.
Not that I’m complaining about how things have turned out. It’s also
true that there are plenty of hypothetical “Future” technologies we are
better off without. Here are four of the worst offenders.
As of the time this is being written, the year is 2010. It is
officially
The Future. Not quite what you expected, right? From what I was told,
by this time were supposed to have become a race of golden brown
superhumans with cheap and easy access to all the sex goggles,
synthetic tree bark, and all the child abuse simulators we could carry.
Obviously this has not come to pass. Unfortunately, when it comes to
cool future technologies like hoverboards or pianos that play
themselves (!), science has failed us utterly, electing instead to
focus its efforts on decidedly un-fantastical technologies like heart
valve replacement surgery, cordless telephones, and low-sodium Wheat
Thins.
Not that I’m complaining about how things have turned out. It’s also
true that there are plenty of hypothetical “Future” technologies we are
better off without. Here are four of the worst offenders.
1. FLYING CARS
The Idea
Humanity would have access to these flying automobiles, which would
quickly replace traditional cars as the dominant mode of transportation
within society. In many instances, drivers are simply free to fly
wherever they will, and little thought is given to the logistical
nightmare which flying cars would no doubt pose to city planners and
engineers. But hey: Any invention that combines the relaxing,
worry-free pleasures of piloting a small personal aircraft at low
altitudes with the experience of navigating a dangerously complex
cityscape in three dimensions along with thousands of other drivers
gets a pass from me for all the convenience and good cheer it would
bring into our lives.
It should also be noted that “Magical” flying autos–such as Chitty
Chitty Bang Bang–are NOT to be recognized as true flying cars, for
their powers of flight are derived from occult sources. In true science
fiction, surrender to the unhallowed arts (even by semisentient
machines) is not to be tolerated under any circumstances.
Why It Was Dumb
Are you kidding? Most drivers today can’t even handle driving in two
dimensions, let alone three. For chrissake, you still see people
stopping on freeway entrance ramps to merge. I can only imagine the
horrors one would be subjected to while driving on a multilevel,
multilane flying car freeway.
And I ask you: How precisely are we to control the routes
of flying cars? As noted above, allowing total freedom of flight is out
of the question (what with the total chaos it would cause and all) so
obviously there is going to have to be some kind of complicated system
in place involving sky buoys or virtual lanes. Seeing as most cities
have trouble figuring out how to get a basic freeway system to function
properly, I’m sure they would have NO trouble at all designing a system
which would, by all rights, be ten times more complex, right? Right?
And don’t even get me started on safety. Sweet morphing Jesus, driving
is already dangerous enough as it is, do we really want to be adding
height, speed into the mix? No thank YOU.
Imagine if you will: The futuremeth-addled trucker who–while receiving
aggressive fellatio from a prostitutebot while speeding along at 1,000
feet–is suddenly wrenched into a Grand Mal seizure by a roaring brain
aneurysm he could not have anticipated, plummeting his tanker into a 90
degree dive. It barrels down through countless lanes of traffic below,
knocking car after car out of the sky before finally striking the
ground in a brilliant white fireball. In the aftermath, 154 are
pronounced dead. Amongst the casualties is a hovervan carrying several
hunchbacked orphan children and twelve blind syphilitic nuns in
wheelchairs. They were mere seconds away from their destination (a
kitten factory) when the tanker batted them aside, sending them
careening into a quarry filled with molten Helium.
The coroner claimed that death had surely been instantaneous, but
employees from a nearby office complex testified as to having heard the
screams.
2. MOVING WALKWAYS
The Idea
MORE
THAN 100 YEARS AGO, H.G. WELLS posited that moving walkways
would replace sidewalks in the cities of the future. Countless others
have proposed variants of the same idea since then, in some cases
predicting that these would even run though shopping malls, department
stores, and private homes. This never quite panned out for a number of
reasons (but mostly because it was almost entirely unnecessary) and
these days such walkways are mostly relegated to airports (where I’m
told they’re helpful if you’re hauling a large bag) museum exhibits
(they keep people moving), and China (“We’ll focus on the horrendous
damage our explosive industrialization has done to the environment and
the health of our citizens some other time. Chinese people be tired
yo!”). So as you can see, they keep prestigious company.
Why It Was Dumb
Aside from their costliness and the fact that they were almost entirely
unnecessary, the biggest reason citywide moving walkways were a stupid
idea is simply this: Humans are fat enough already. Just think of the
increase in girth we’d see if people didn’t even need to walk anymore.
And honestly, is walking really so difficult that we need to waste
countless hours devising a complex and prohibitively expensive
workaround for it?
Many moving walkway apologists would have you believe that
these treadmills would be used to augment walking, as opposed to
replacing it entirely. Unlikely. Just take a look at how people use
escalators (the moving walkway’s moderately successful asshole of a
cousin).
Occasionally you’ll see someone walking up a still-functioning
escalator, but the majority of patrons simply stand there staring
out into space rather than expend any extra effort. Not only would
citywide moving walkways encourage the same sort of laziness, they’d
likely take it even further, as there would be no reason to stay
standing on a long trip across town. You might as well just allow
yourself to topple over, it’s far easier. Balancing in order to remain
upright is for suckers.
I can see it now: The Utopian city of the future, every building
connected by a network of moving walkways. Enterprising human slugs
would need only to flop out of bed and allow the groaning walkway to
pull their hulking frames to Future Burger King, where they would lie
gape-mouthed and bleary-eyed under a large nozzle, squirming
delightedly as a grayish slurry of chicken tenders and mountain dew was
pumped down their bloated throats.
Some of you may automatically dismiss the above scenario as dire and
fantastical hyperbole, but I feel this is unfair. There just so happens
to be PLENTY of evidence proving that human beings who are not
forced
(either directly or indirectly) to “stand up and walk the fuck around
once and a while” will quickly become astonishingly obese. To wit:
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I would pose that what you see here is what most of us would now look
like had the proliferation of moving walkways taken place as futurists
predicted. Luckily, we dodged that bullet.
3. LASER GUNS
The Idea
In “The Future” (now) guns were obviously going to fire lasers instead
of bullets. Why? Hell if I know. All I know is that in 50s, laser guns
were the weapon of choice in science fiction, and were considered to be
far cooler than bullets. This may be due to the increasing public
awareness of laser technology around this time, but more likely it is
because almost everyone in the 50s was a huge idiot who barely knew
anything about anything, especially what would be likely to happen in
the future.
Why it Was Dumb
There’s really very little incentive to upgrade to lasers.
Ammunition-based murder as it exists today has few disadvantages. Guns
are not difficult to obtain, they aren’t overly expensive, they aren’t
difficult to use, they’re portable, ammunition is easy to come by, and
most importantly of all: Bullets fired from a gun will make things die.
And honestly, that’s all most people require of a gun. There really
isn’t too much room for improvement.
But even so, I’ll give lasers a fair shake. Here’s a quick list of
advantages and disadvantages of laser-based weapons.
DISADVANTAGE: Unsatisfying
If I want to I blow a guy’s brains all over a wall, I want to BLOW
HIS BRAINS ALL OVER A WALL. All a laser’s gonna do is soundlessly
burn some tiny ass cauterized hole in his head. What a disappointment.
ADVANTAGE: Can’t Dodge a Laser
Since lasers travel at the speed of light, the person you’re shooting
at wouldn’t be able to dodge it. This would be a vast improvement over
bullets, which can be casually sidestepped with ease.
DISADVANTAGE: Lasers Were in Star Wars
Fuck Star Wars.
ADVANTAGE: No Bullet Drop
Modern ammunition-based weapons are subject to the wicked designs of
gravity, and as such Currently, there is absolutely NO WAY to
compensate for bullet drop, causing any bullet fired at a target from
more than a few meters away to drop uselessly to the ground without
ever reaching it’s target. This is a huge problem in the military.
DISADVANTAGE: A criminal could hold up
a mirror and a cop would shoot himself
Shit ain’t right.
WINNER?
Bullets. Score it.
4. CLONES
The Idea
Using DNA from human cells, scientists create a direct copy of a human
being. This clone could be put to use in a number of ways. It could be
used for spare parts (limbs, organs, etc.), raised as a child, or even
used for medical testing. In the best case scenario, the clone would be
made to run errands and perform various menial chores around the house
while it’s owner lounges by the pool sipping a drink with a parasol in
it, until invariably, it’s resentment can be contained no longer and it
revolts, brutally hacking the owner apart with a garden spade, burying
him in deep in the Nebraskan wilderness, and assuming his identity.
Why It Was Dumb
Aside from all the murders, the most troubling aspect of cloning is the
deep emotional trauma a cloned human would be forced to endure upon
discovering that his cloned true love had been lobotomized due to his
failed escape attempt. In this rare, never-before-seen
footage from the US Government’s top-secret CLONUS project, we are able
to witness this heartbreak firsthand.
I cannot help but believe that only the most heartless of scientists
would even consider cloning after seeing the devastation it would
hypothetically wreak in the lives of cloned puffy-haired late 70s
bachelors.
FINAL WORDS
Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed this enlightening look into the future that
never came to pass. While we may not have flying Chevy Malibus, Clones
of Martin Sheen, or Repeating Laser Rifles, we do have Starbursts,
MP3s, and
Benadryl, and I’ll be goddamned if that isn’t a better deal. All in
all, I’m glad things turned out the way they did.
You have to admit: The future was sort of a stupid idea anyway.