The Cynical Tourist’s Guide To…Idaho

Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose.
Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too,
but it’s true. “And what,” you might ask, “do these people do
once they’ve arrived in Idaho?” Hell if I know. According to the board
of tourism’s website Idaho is an “Outdoors-Oriented Community”. So
maybe they go on walks?

Or, maybe “outdoors community” is really just code for “There
is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking
trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches
while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth
and then you finally get home and can’t even get to sleep because THE
FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON’T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT
HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH” which, appealing as it may sound, is
probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
 
But I suppose that is why I’m here: To convince you all that taking a
trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So
let’s take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to
offer, won’t us?

Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose.
Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too,
but it’s true. “And what,” you might ask, “do these people do
once they’ve arrived in Idaho?” Hell if I know. According to the board
of tourism’s website Idaho is an “Outdoors-Oriented Community”. So
maybe they go on walks?

Or, maybe “outdoors community” is really just code for “There
is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking
trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches
while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth
and then you finally get home and can’t even get to sleep because THE
FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON’T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT
HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH” which, appealing as it may sound, is
probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
 
But I suppose that is why I’m here: To convince you all that taking a
trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So
let’s take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to
offer, won’t us?

 
 

THE IDAHO POTATO MUSEUM

Is there any better way to kick off a whirlwind tour of a state than by
visiting it’s most clichéd attraction? I think not. This attraction
combines three of the world’s most exciting concepts (Potatoes,
Museums, & The State of Idaho) into one impossible-to-beat (yet
simple to charge money for) package! Yes, children and adults alike
will be “intrigued” (their words) as they trudge past fascinating
exhibits such as:
 

• A bunch old farm equipment which may or may not have exclusively
  been used to harvest potatoes
• Plexiglass “Potato Facts” sign containing faded list of various
  potato facts
• The world’s largest potato chip
• Rotting Corpse of Rev. Henry Spaulding, inventor of the potato
• Burlap sack in display case
• Gift shop featuring merchandise such as “Toy potato that when you
  walk by it it sings Achy Breaky Heart”, “Potato which has inexplicably
  been painted”, “Potato joke book consisting entirely of potato-based
  puns” and “Postcard prominently featuring photograph of potato which
  vaguely resembles the face of veteran character actor Danny Glover”.

Also, it bears mentioning that THEIR
OFFICIAL WEBSITE has seemingly not been updated since the early
19th Century, as it makes a big show of pointing out that the museum’s
parking lots have “plenty of room for motor coaches.”

“Splendid!” At last sez I, “Jidge,
did you ever have your portrait tuck?” “No,” sez he, as ugly as
you please. “Dew te,” says I. “A chap would make a blue
fist of takin’a dead aim through double sights, with the butt end of a
psalm in
his guzzle.”

“Now let us pull foot to the dram shoppe!”

THE ATLANTA AREA

Oh come now, Idaho! Listing a vaguely defined swath of land surrounding
a small town of 40 people as an attraction? That’s pretty bad, even by
historical site standards. But who knows? Maybe “being 80 miles from
Boise by gravel road” and “possessing the ability to look at Greylock
Mountain and a fork in the Boise river” is a hell of a lot more
exciting than it sounds.
 
In any case, Idaho’s website does list this attraction as free. So hey,
at least they aren’t overcharging, right?
 

RODEOS

A Rodeo? In Idaho?! It’s true! Hitch up your jeans and perform whatever action is necessary in order to attach your spurs to your boots because the
rodeo is coming to (and I would assume is perpetually situated in)
town! Rest assured ladies and gentlemen, American rodeos may not
feature the same horrifying acts of animal abuse, ritual bloodletting,
and frequent gorings that their Hispanic counterparts (Bullfights) do,
but that doesn’t mean they’re any less entertaining!
 
Oh wait, yes it does.
 
My mistake.
 
 

ATV RENTALS

Wretched Hillfolk: Pull yourselves from the bogs from whence you
spawned and visit beautiful Idaho, where we urge you to celebrate
the majesty of our fragile ecosystem by irreparably damaging a
considerable portion of it in search of a drunken white trash thrill*.
So go ahead and gouge some huge muddy ruts into our hiking trails!
Heave a Coor’s Light can full of cigarette butts into the stream! Run
down a pack of newborn bear cubs; we don’t care. This whole place is
gonna be bulldozed for some overpriced condos soon anyway, so you might
as well have at it.
 

 
*NOTE TO READER: I sincerely hope that you do not find me to be
overly judgmental of our holler-dwelling cousins. Rest assured that my
own lower-middle-class white person credentials are well in order, as I
myself am descended from several generations of Iroc-Z-Piloting
Mountain Trash Males. Indeed, in my younger days I was known (on
several occasions) to intentionally bring the revolutions-per-minute of
a vehicle’s engine well above practical levels while the vehicle was in
neutral at a stop light. If this does not convince you of my bluecollar
roots, I fear nothing will.  
 
But as such, you should realize that I do not seek to denigrate our
fine, hardworking, Nickelback-listening-to Americans. I only strive to
reveal their true nature.  
 

DON ASLETT MUSEUM OF CLEAN

See that delightful gentleman in the photo up there? That’s none other
than the famous (or should
I say infamous) Don Aslett! What’s that you say? You have no idea who
Don Aslett even is? Well I’m sorry to hear that. Perhaps THIS
will jog
your memory…

 
Well? Still nothing huh? Hmm…hold on. Let me post a quick excerpt
from the
description of the museum. I’m sure it’ll explain more.

The museum explores clean because it is critical to health
and human
development and offers a unique view into American culture.

The museum
offers engaging exhibit experiences.

The museum owns and cares for
hundreds of thousands of objects.

In recognition of Aslett’s
environmentally friendly efforts, the Green Building Program will award
the museum a Platinum LEED certification rating, making it the largest
site in Idaho to receive such a prestigious award.

So there you have it. Don Aslett is a guy who started a museum about
clean and the museum won an award.

I bet you feel pretty stupid right about now.

DIAMOND LIL’S STEAKHOUSE & SALOON WAGON RIDES [DELAYED]

A more childish man might make some smartass comment about the
ridiculousness
of listing of a delay of a wagon ride as an event on a state’s
official
tourism site, but seeing as I am technically an adult, I will instead
express my
supreme disappointment to Mr. Lil (who I can only assume is the owner
and proprietor of Diamond Lil’s Steakhouse & Saloon) in the
following open letter.

Dearest Lil:
You stupid son of a bitch. Me and my brother really wanted to go on
your wagon
ride. Please note that my brother was kicked in the head by a horse and
this is all he has left to look forward to. He cannot even control his
bowels. I have to bring him around in a wheelbarrow everywhere. Don’t
laugh it isn’t funny. Yes, I even help him vote when he votes at the
polls because his reaching claw can’t grasp the hole punch. You piece
of garbage. I hope you
are happy for what you did to my family and pets.
 
P.S. my uncle had polio when he was a kid and he cried when I showed
him on your website about how the haunted hell ride was canceled.
Satisfied? They say diamonds are forever and I hope you are forever
too. And by that I mean forever in hell.
 
Warmest Regards,
Kevin.

This horse is you.
I just punched your fat horse face.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY MEMORIAL

When visiting the Idaho Chamber of Commerce, be sure and pick a
brochure for the “Grave of a Depressed Genius Who Blew His Goddamn
Brains Out All Over The Wall With a Shotgun While Living in Our
Depressing State”. Directions are on the back. We sell Hemingway Shirts
& Keychains. Legend has it that if you put your ear to the ground
near the grave, you can sometimes hear the tortured and beloved author
rolling in it.
 
You and the kids can go for ice cream after.
 
Jesus!

FINAL WORDS

Let it be known throughout the land: Here in Idaho, as anointed by The
Lord God, man holds dominion over his earth. And so he spaketh in the
Good Book itself.

     

Thanks and here’s wishing you and yours a happy christ day signed: the
Sharletts family.