How To Die

If
we’re going to be honest here, there are really only a few real options
when it comes to death: You can either die of old age (natural causes),
you can happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (unlucky), or
you can off yourself (suicide). Obviously there isn’t too much I can’t
tell you about the first two that isn’t common sense, and giving advice
about suicide? Nuh-uh. Count me out. Aside from the occasional “I
wonder what would happen if I just jerked the wheel and drove right off
this overpass” style daydreaming, I haven’t even thought too much about
offing myself. Better to keep my mouth shut.
 
So pretty
much what I’m left with to discuss is the accouterments of death (you
know, the stuff that comes along with it), which I have broken down
into three sections: 1. The Fate of Your Immortal Soul, 2. What You Leave Behind, and 3. Your Last Words.
 
So read on if you wish to know how to die properly.
 

 

Souls don’t exist.

Well that one was easy.

 
 

Another
factor of your own demise you should consider is this: After you die,
your family and friends are going to have to deal with all the crap
you’ve got lying around the house. Most people have way more stuff than
they ever actually need or use, so this can be a problem. If you are
one of these sorts of people and want to be respectful you should
really figure out what you’re going to do with all your crap before you
kick off.
 

Hoarding
(the compulsion to accumulate needless crap) often stems from feelings
of insecurity or depression (more possessions equals more security and
more happiness). Contrary to popular belief, people who hoard material
possessions die just like the rest of us, but try telling this to a
hoarder. They never listen! When faced with the prospect of their
inescapable demise, the hoarder’s gut reaction is more likely to be
“Quick! Buy more Tony Danza memorabilia! Oh look, a novelty wicker Tony
Danza lampshade!” instead of the more rational “My god, I’ve wasted my
life buying all this Tony Danza memorabilia and in the end even he
cannot spare me from the icy talons of death.” But then again, it’s a
mental illness. What did you expect?

So hey: If you get a kick
out of imagining family members spending countless hours in your home
rooting through heaps of Danza trash, then go right ahead and hoard
away. You might hit up ebay too, I just saw a Who’s The Boss gumball
machine on there for only $14.99 with FREE SHIPPING. Talk about the deal of a lifetime!
 

Nearer
the opposite side of the spectrum from the “classic” Hoarder lies the
Repentant Hoarder. This group is usually comprised of older people who,
perceiving themselves to be at death’s door, will put a stop to their
evil, hoarding ways, and begin to cheerful attempt to give away or sell
many of their material possessions to family members and friends before
they die.
 
I say “attempt” because most of the time these
items aren’t exceedingly valuable or useful, so most of the time people
won’t take them. What many old people fail to realize is that while
entire refrigerator boxes filled with novelty shot glasses from various
casinos or a hundred and six mold-encrusted Englebert Humperdink LPs
might be meaningful to them, they may not be on the top of many other
people’s most-wanted lists.
 
The good thing about the
Repentant Hoarder is that, for whatever reason, they have usually not
accumulated quite as much junk as the True Hoarder has. So when grandpa
finally does keel over, all that’s left is the furniture, a few
medication bottles, and probably a room’s worth of family heirlooms.
These things are not much of a burden to surviving relatives, as the
valuables can be picked out and sold, while the purely sentimental
materials can then be burned, donated to charity (pawned off), or
hefted into a nearby dumpster with ease.

Yet
another factor of your death to consider is what will become of your
pornography collection. Whether it’s 50 Terrabytes worth of Scat videos
on your computer’s harddrive, or an entire walk-in closet stuffed with
transvestite midget bondage VHS tapes, it’s important to assure that
any pornography you posses is not discovered by your loved-ones in
their time of grief.
 
And don’t even get me started on you
people who are into kiddie porn and/or bestiality. I’ll just say this:
You just never know when you’re gonna go, so unless you relish the idea
of little Billy coming across
“sex_xxx_preteen_hot_luscious_lolitas_sweet_donkey_love.avi” in your My
Documents folder, I would suggest you take an electromagnet to your
harddrive right away. Just a thought.
 

No
article on how to die properly would be complete without mentioning
last works. Your last words are exceedingly important, as speaking them
will likely be your last act upon this earth aside from soiling
yourself while moaning. So here are a few fun ways you can screw with
people while on your deathbed.

This
works best if you’re a widow or a widower, but it’d probably work if
your significant other is still alive as well. The idea should be
obvious: With your final breaths, call your child close, and whisper to
them that you’ve kept a secret from them all these years. Then say,
“You’re adopted.” and die. They won’t know what to think, but one
thing’s for sure: They’ll believe you, because what kind of a sick
animal would lie about a thing like that (and on their deathbed, no
less). So that’s why it’s sure to work! It’s a shame you won’t be able
to see the look on their face when (if) they find out you were lying
though. A real shame.
 

If
you’ve got some greedy relatives hovering around your deathbed like
vultures waiting for you to kick off, you might want to try this one.
Beckon them close, and then whisper something like “My dear boy…I
fear I am not long for this cold, cruel, world…the lost
storehouse…you must find the lost storehouse…the gold…the gold of
Teotihuacan…billions in coins…such riches…the map…is
under…my…..eeeauuuhhh”. Then you will die, leaving your relatives
with a costly and unsolvable scavenger hunt which they are sure to
undertake. You might also hide a fake map somewhere in your room for
them to find, if you want to draw it out even more. Make the
destination somewhere remote. Somewhere you know they despise. You
know, for laughs.
 

For
example, in an attempt to quote the (commonly misquoted) last words of
the late Oscar Wilde, said “Either this wallpaper goes, or I do” the
person observing your death would almost certainly wish to provide you
with the actual quote “My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the
death. One or the other of us has to go.” but will be unable to, as you
will have worked it out so that you would expire immediately upon
uttering the final syllable. This will likely prove exceedingly
frustrating to them. Moreover, there will also be no recourse available
to them if they wish to get revenge on you, save for the desecration of
your corpse, which, if I’m not mistaken, is highly illegal.
 

Cast Doubt Upon Someone’s Faith

If
the person observing your death is somewhat religious, it might be
pretty funny to cause them to doubt their faith in the lord. As you’re
dying say, “Marcus…Marcus I need to tell you something. You know I’ve
always been a churchgoing man, and you know my faith in the Lord God
above has always been as strong as it is true…but I need to tell you
something…I need to tell you that I don’t see a light. Dammit I’m
dying and I don’t see any light! There isn’t anything. There isn’t
anything at all. There’s only darkness…only
darkness…and…infinite…pain. We all die alone. We…all…unh.”
 
Sure, they might just blow it off, but you have to admit that it would be pretty funny if they actually believed you.
 

 
So
that should about wrap up your death. If you have any further questions
about death and dying, the best advice I can give you is to just wait.
Eventually you, or someone you know is probably going to die, and
you’ll probably be able to figure a bunch of stuff out then. And if
not, whatever. It isn’t really that important.
 
 

Suicide
is Painless is a song which was originally written by Johnny Mandel
(music) and Mike Altman (lyrics). It is best known for being featured
as the theme song for both the movie and TV series M*A*S*H. The actual
title, as it appears on the sheet music, is “Song from M*A*S*H (Suicide
Is Painless).”
 
Subsequent to the song’s release, Altman
and Mandel were sued by the mother of a young boy who allegedly
committed suicide by leaping from the roof of his Brooklyn, new York
apartment complex because of the sentiment expressed in the song (i.e.
suicide is painless). She posited that contrary to the message of the
song, suicide is rarely painless, and in fact most methods of suicide
are extraordinarily painful (see: Drowning, Suffocation, Hanging,
Poisoning, Immolation, Starvation) and that if only the song would have
included this information as well (she suggested perhaps an aside such
as “just kidding” or “only playin'”could be added to the chorus) her
son would be alive today. The case was settled out of court for an
undisclosed sum.

Photo Credits
[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]