Golf is Kind of Stupid

I
honestly can’t understand why any human being would choose to play
golf. I mean, I guess I can see why a person might find the idea of
golf appealing, but as far as the actual experience goes, I just don’t
get it. I’m sure when most people think of golf they imagine the
peaceful day they will inevitably have on “the links”. They’ve got a
cool beer in their hand, and a warm summer breeze caresses their face
as they walk down the lush, perfectly sculpted fairway with a club over
one shoulder, whistling a merry tune. What could be better, right?
 
In
truth, however, an afternoon of golf on a public course would more
accurately be described as a torturous three-and-a-half hour slog
across ragged sun-scorched patches of grass as the sun pounds down
searing your flesh and you wade into the ditch to retrieve your very
last ball and the spiny brush slashes your face and arms and eyes and
just up the ridge is the freeway and the roar of some deadbeat dad’s
rusted out white pickup truck engine as he screams by on his way to a
child support hearing and you can’t find the ball it just isn’t
anywhere and your stomach churns sour and roils and you know you have
to go oh sweet lord how you DESPERATELY have to go but you know the
only outhouse is 6 holes back so you clamp down on it and dive deeper
and the sun bakes the air and the horseflies bite down and somewhere in
the back of your mind you begin to wonder if you’ll ever make it out of
here alive.

 
That, my friends, is the harsh reality of the hell that is golf.
 
And here are a few other fascinating things the average non-golfer might not know about golf.
 

 
 

First: Golf is Not Fun

As
described in the paragraph above, golf is often nothing more a twisted
kind of endurance run. You start off fresh and eager, but by the end of
the afternoon you’re ready to wrap your lips around a revolver. This
may seem like hyperbole, but it is not. As someone who grudgingly
participated in the game for a number of years, I can assure you that
even by the sixth or seventh hole, most golfers would sooner drop to
their knees and open up an artery right there on the green than play
just one more hole.
 
Think about it, the
one thing you almost never see on a golf course is people laughing and
having a good time. You may see grimaces of concentration, nods of
satisfaction, and fist pumps of elation, but obviously these things are
not the same as actual enjoyment.
 
So why, you ask, would
anyone participate in an activity which is absolutely incapable of
providing joy? Hell if I know. Perhaps all golfers are compulsives.
Perhaps they are masochists. Perhaps they–like many
psychoneurotics–take up the game of as some sort of ego defense
mechanism; as a way of developing and maintaining a consistent sense of
self in an everchanging world. No one can say for sure. But the only
thing we do know is that golf is an activity which requires such an
insane amount of skill, dedication, and concentration, that it would be
utterly impossible for anyone but a lunatic to enjoy it.
 
 

The Shank (Blameless)

Fact:
All golf errors which occur while in close proximity to other players
are the result of undesirable outside stimuli created by those players.
 
Golfers
are, by nature, cowardly, sniveling creatures who will jump at the
opportunity to assign blame for a fudged shot to anyone but themselves.
As such, any player unfortunate enough to have coughed, rubbed their
nose, or repositioned their foot in the grass slightly (causing a
distracting squeak) while another golfer was attempting set up his shot
will be all but crucified.
 
Additional Note: All errors in
play which occur while NOT in close proximity to other players are due
to other external stimuli, and a mulligan (or re-do) should be taken in
these cases as well. (e.g. “A car drove by on the road and made noise.
I’m taking my mulligan.”)
 
 

There is a Dress Code Even if There is No Dress Code

If
one were to obtain the proper decryptor glasses, and the correct code
for the hour, and stand in precisely the right place, the seemingly
friendly rules on the signboard at any course would melt away,
revealing the following text:

 
You
may scoff at this, but the penalties for transgression against the
Galaxy Golf Consortium (a group whose purpose I dare not reveal) are
grave indeed. I have only risked reprinting them here only
because I sit currently behind a number of firewalls, IP Obfuscators
and proxy servers. Even so I do not feel completely safe doing so. But
consider this fair warning: This information is considered to be
STRICTLY confidential within the golf community. Relate it to outsiders
at your peril.

You Must Never Touch or Strike Another Golfer

Golfers
are the fragile butterflies of the sporting world, and as such, all
physical contact with another golfer is to be prohibited.

A “friendly”
slap on the back may snap a rib and puncture a lung, and a blow to the
head (no matter how slight) will cause even the hardiest of golfer to
slip immediately into Coma from which they will likely never regain
consciousness.
 
Play it safe and keep your hands to yourself!
 
 

Middle-Class White Executives Love Golf

This
may seem obvious, but what might not be as apparent it is the reasoning
behind it. Simply put, the Golf “experience” satisfies four of the
businessman’s most basic needs:

1. The Desire to Compete
2. The Desire to Haphazardly Throw Away Money
3. The Desire to Be Insulated from Minorities
4. The Desire to Participate in Group Activities With Other Executives
   Which Require Just enough Mental & Physical Exertion To Allow Them
   To Feel Slightly Alive But Not So Much That It Sparks The Terrifying
   Realization That Their Life Up Until Now Was Merely An Insignificant
   Series Of Events, Each One Bringing Them Inexorably To The Unknowable
   Cosmic Infinity Of Death And The Hollow Pursuit of Worldly Riches Can
   Do Nothing To Change This And That They Will Die All Die Alone So
   Completely And Truly Alone, And Afraid.

The fifth and
final need (The desire to make money) is not directly satisfied here. HOWEVER some consider the “schmoozing” which often takes place between
executives on the course to be a roundabout way to fulfill this, which
would easily explain why it is so popular among upwardly mobile types.
 

Other Basic Rules & Regulations

Finally, let’s close with this overview of a few of the most common “on the book” rules of golf.

Littering

No
person shall litter the grounds with waste material except if you have
it in your bag and you forget to zip your bag and the wind picks up and
blows it out and into some bushes. Obviously you aren’t expected to run
in and get it at this point because who could find it. It would take
forever.

Divots

Upon creating a divot, all
players shall find the nearest grass seed container and sprinkle the
area lightly with seed. The exception to this rule being if nobody sees
the player create the divot, in which case the player may attempt to
find the piece of grass which was displaced and set it gently on the
bare area, patting it lightly as if it were a toupee.

Mulligans

Persons
who are in any area which causes them to be out of eyeline of other
players have special privileges when it comes to mulligans (“re-hits”)
If the player at any point misses the ball completely, strikes it in
any way so that it travels less than 5 feet in any direction, or slices
it at a 90 degree angle so that it is irretrievable, he or she is
allowed an instant mulligan regardless of the remaining number of
mulligans they may actually posses. As well, if the player is having an
inordinately difficult time striking the ball with the head of the
club, the player may pick the ball up, throw it towards the hole, and
make a “club hitting ball” sound with his or her mouth, and then make a
loud exclamation as to the near-perfect trajectory and accuracy of the
ball. The game should then continue as normal.

Errant Balls

Persons
who are nearly struck by errant golf balls should react in the proper
fashion. The correct procedure upon noticing a ball which has landed
nearby is to first jerk your head up and quickly search for who may have hit the ball.
Upon spotting the culprit, turn towards them and spread your arms wide,
palms open. Begin making a “what the hell” face, and proceed to shake
your head. Then pick the ball up and shout “Assholes!” and then
hurl the ball into a nearby body of water or stand of trees.

Underaged Golfers

Persons
accompanying players under the age of seventeen should play as normal
until noticing that the younger player is aiming well out of bounds and
onto a nearby freeway. The player should them approach the younger
golfer and inquire as to “what the hell they think they are doing” and,
when the younger player expresses an intention to hit golf balls onto
the freeway, the older golfer should strike them in the back of the
head, saying, “You idiot! Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?!
If you were old enough to drive you’d know!”

The younger player
should appear to reluctantly concur, and, once the older player’s back is
turned, should immediately hit a golf ball directly onto the freeway, striking the
windshield of a passing Buick LeSabre and causing it to careen out of
control and roll into a nearby ditch, where all five of the occupants
will be killed instantly. The car will then proceed to catch fire. Upon
seeing this, the older golfer should shake his or her head and say,
“See, what did I tell you.” and then the two of them should begin
heading to the next hole, tallying their scores in their head as they
walk.

Behind them the flames grow higher, clouds of oilsmoke billowing into the evening air.