Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

In a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views
in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I’ve
decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely
not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as
it says in the title up there).

If those descriptions are too
complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that’s still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one
about good smells)’s evil twin. Here, I’ll even give it a goatee so you
can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is
supposed to have a goatee.

They
already have “New Car Smell” scented candles, but I’ve never understood
why anyone even likes it. It smells like cheap death. Whenever I sit in
a new car it
gives me a headache almost immediately; half the time I feel
like I’m gonna pass out. They really have to figure out some way to
tone that shit down, I don’t really enjoy feeling like a glue huffer
every time I go for a ride.
 
I have to wonder,
too: Do people really like the smell itself, or do they just like the ideaof
buying a new car? I think it just so happens that the new car
smell comes in every new car, so people come to “like” it because they
associate it with buying one. This must be the case because otherwise I
don’t know any other way so many people could claim to love a
scent which seems to be comprised of equal parts Cheap Carcinogenic
Plastic, Toxic Carpet Glue, Armor-All, 1970s Car Air Freshener Tree,
and Asbestos-Filled Vacuum Cleaner Bag.
 
It isn’t healthy,
I tell you! You’d be better off wrapping your lips around the exhaust
pipe that sitting in a new car with the windows up. Truth.

As
with most of these, I realize that some people actually LIKE the smell
of paper money. The question I have for these people is: Do you know
where this money has been? I think if you realized what it was that you
were smelling, you wouldn’t be such a huge fan of moneysmell.
 
Listen:
A man picks his nose, and then goes to the cashier and pays with money.
Woman’s got a cold? She wipes her snot all over her hand, and then goes
up to pay for her groceries WITH MONEY. Little kid digs in his ass
because it itches, and then heads up to pay for his pokemon cards WITH
MONEY. A man masturbates furiously while sobbing in the men’s room and then goes out
to pay for some DVDs WITH MONEY. See what you’re smelling yet? When I
used work retail, customers would always hand us wet dollar bills
they’d fish out from in their pants, socks, or even from between their
breasts. It happened all the time. So this is what you’re touching when
you touch money: Penis sweat, semen, snot, spit, sock sweat, and fat
woman breast sweat.
 
So if you people like the smell of
money, go right ahead and keep sniffing it. I don’t care. Enjoy the
scent of the combined filth of a hundred generations gathered in one
easy-to-vomit-because-of place. But as for me, I think I’ll stick to
sniffing debit cards.

3. Hospital

Who likes the smell of a hospital? No one that’s who.

4. Apartment Hallway

Alright,
I know I said “popular” smells, and this probably doesn’t qualify as
popular, but seriously, the hallways in apartments really stink! Anyone
who has ever lived in an apartment can attest to this. Every time you
come into an apartment building it’s like spinning a roulette wheel of
foul odors. What’s it gonna be today? The sickly-sweet scent of burning
macaroni? B.O. mixed with cheap cologne? Wet dog and potpourri? A pot
roast someone apparently took a dump on before they put it in the oven?
You never know what you’ll get!
 
It also doesn’t help that
they constantly keep the hallways in apartments at a solid 95 degrees.
It’s especially bad in the winter. You’ve just climbed 6 flights of
stairs in the sweltering heat in your coat, you’re just about
suffocating from the stifling atmosphere, and then all of a sudden
you’re overcome by the thick odor of lamb chutney, brown rice,
broccoli, with just a hint of urine. Frankly I’m surprised more
people don’t die of asphyxiation in apartment hallways. It’s ridiculous.
 
So in conclusion I believe we should get rid of hallways in all apartment buildings. Thank you.

5. Syrup

Quite
often, I find that my hands smell like syrup. I do not understand it. I
never have any cause to use syrup. I don’t eat pancakes or waffles or
oatmeal or anything of the sort. I have tried everything in my power to
discover where the the source of this odor, but to no avail. I have
traced and retraced the steps of my morning routine, sniffing each
object I come across. I have questioned my housemates thoroughly, but
none of them claim to have smelled either the odor itself or anything
which might be considered it’s source. I have even sought the council
of various experts in the field of odor (including a member of 
the Committee on Odors from Stationary and Mobile Sources for the
National Academy of Sciences) but the source of this odor has
confounded them as well.

 

I have reached the end of my rope. I fear for my safety and the safety of those around me. Please send help immediately.

6. Tire Store

I often hear people talking about how much they love the smell of tire stores. Well not me! As SOMEONE
WHO HAS NO DESIRE TO LEARN ABOUT FIXING CARS, I don’t appreciate the
smell of a tire store at all. Not only does it remind me that I
pretty much have to own a car, but also that I also have to constantly
be purchasing expensive pieces of equipment to keep it running properly.
 
Also,
the smell of rubber in a tire store is so strong it’s impossible to
ignore. So all I can do is sit there grumbling and paging through the
piece of crap magazines they always have. Sports illustrated? Car &
Driver? What the fuck? Who cares! I’d rather read Bird Fancy than look
at that shit.

 
Of course I have no idea what he’s talking
about, so I’ll just sort of look concerned and nod so I don’t look like
the idiot I am. Then I quickly agree to get all the work done so I can
get the hell out of there, as the tire odor is slowly eating away at my
brain. A few hours later they’ll call me to the desk and tell me what I
owe, but I’ll be in no condition to respond in any meaningful way.
 
“The
colors…” I’ll gasp, swooning wide-eyed on the floor as my brain
slowly suffocates from noxious tire fumes. They put a pen in my hand
and have me “make my mark” on the X. I comply. Then I am dragged out
and deposited in the a nearby gutter, where I lay giggling until a
policeman picks me up for vagrancy.  
 
I spend the night in jail, and declare bankruptcy the next morning.