am getting really tired of seeing the American flag. There are too many of them around. I don’t even understand the point of it. We all know where we live. Everyone around here does. I bet a lot of people are probably getting tired of seeing it.
It’s
like when a celebrity appears in too many movies consecutively and
everyone starts to hate them. It doesn’t matter how great they are, or
whether the movies were any good, after a while you just don’t want to
see or hear anything else about them ever again. That’s kind of how I
feel about the American flag right about now. I guess the American flag
has become my Will Ferrel. But hey, let’s get a little more in-depth
about why the flag blows.
am getting really tired of seeing the American flag. There are too many of them around. I don’t even understand the point of it. We all know where we live. Everyone around here does. I bet a lot of people are probably getting tired of seeing it.
It’s
like when a celebrity appears in too many movies consecutively and
everyone starts to hate them. It doesn’t matter how great they are, or
whether the movies were any good, after a while you just don’t want to
see or hear anything else about them ever again. That’s kind of how I
feel about the American flag right about now. I guess the American flag
has become my Will Ferrel. But hey, let’s get a little more in-depth
about why the flag blows.
Poor Choice of Colors
Obviously
Betty Ross or whoever is was who designed this stupid thing didn’t know
much about complimentary colors. Red and blue? Shit. It’s shit. You
can’t just throw those two colors together like that and expect it to
work. It just looks bad. Switch that red out for some orange or
yellow; it would look way better.
Has a Stupid nickname (Old Glory).
Seriously,
what kind of a dumbass nickname is this? Old glory sounds like what
some 68-year-old hooker would call her battered-up catcher’s mitt of a
vagina. Get rid of it.
Overused on Shitty Products
It’s easy to understand why many companies put the American flag on
their products. It’s obviously so they can sell more junk. A small
segment of the population (Walmart shoppers with names like
Mearle Jones or Bose Cottondale or Railhouse Tombstone or whatever the
fuck) are going to be a hell of a lot more likely to buy your XXXL
sweater if it’s got an American flag on it, so they slap one on there.
Why not? It’s just a few extra cents, and the customer appreciates the
effort.
I’ve seen it myself. He’ll walk over, pick the
thing up, inspect it for a second, and then nod his head approvingly
while muttering something like “Mmm..the old stars and bars…” and
then toss the shirt into his cart on top of a 15 dollar Apex DVD
player, a copy of Maxim, and 48 pack of Sam’s Choice cola. Trust me, it
happens.
It’s Associated With Awful Music
Whether it’s
in a music video, album cover, or during the national anthem, you’ll
usually see an American flag when you’re forced to listen to
patriotic songs. This isn’t the flag’s fault, but
still, it sure doesn’t help that every time I see a flag I get that Lee Greenwood song
“God Bless The USA” stuck in my head. I’d rather climb into an iron
maiden than listen to that piece of shit even one more time.
There Are Plenty of Cooler Flags
You’d
think that the most powerful nation in the world would also have the
best flag right? Wrooooong. Many other countries have flags which are
100 times cooler than America’s. Here are just a few.
Angola
A
machete and a half cog? The machete symbolizes the glimmering blade of
justice as it hacks away the arms of dissenters, as the cog drives the
wheels of Law forward over the battered corpses of those who would
oppose the regime. That’s pretty badass. The US flag only could only
dream of being this cool.
Northern Mariana Islands
Dear
Northern Mariana Islands, Your flag appears to be a combination of the
Stanley Cup and a Wreath Given to Horses Who Have Placed First in the
Kentucky Derby. Well done.
Sri Lanka
Dangering!
Venture! Encapsulating excited! In visit of Republic of Sri Lanka; become in
compliance with the lion!
tourism.
Even Crappy Flags Are Far More Interesting
One
thing is for sure though: The US certainly doesn’t have the worst flag.
It might be below average, but it’s nowhere NEAR as bad as any of these
flags. And yet, they are somehow still about 100 times more exciting.
Haiti
My fellow Haitians! Let us defend our single palm tree to the last man utilizing these antiquated weapons!
St. Pierre and Miquelon
You
know what? Let’s just combine all these images from the backs of
generic playing card decks and this piece of boat clip art for our
flag. Not like it matters; nobody even knows who we are anyway.
Belize
Come
to Belize, where shirtless cartoon versions of the cast of Brian’s Song
inexplicably perform manual labor upon tiny floating plots of land.
Christmas Island
HEY TAMMY MY SON FINGERPAINTED THIS AT CHURCH WE SHOULD DEFINITELY USE IT FOR OUR FLAG.
Alright, that’s all I have to say about flags for the time being. I realize this article probably wasn’t very funny, but hey, I was
talking about flags, so give me a break. Just how hilarious did you
think a flag article was going to be anyway? I think I did pretty well,
considering the material I was given to work with.
