How To Survive the First Day of Work

The
first day of work can be stressful, so I decided to write some tips for
people who are going to have their first day of work soon. It includes
many different things, like what you should wear, acceptable coworker
greeting procedure, how to get rid of those first day jitters, and so
very much more.

The
first day of work can be stressful, so I decided to write some tips for
people who are going to have their first day of work soon. It includes
many different things, like what you should wear, acceptable coworker
greeting procedure, how to get rid of those first day jitters, and so
very much more.

DRESS CODE

Deciding
what to wear on the first day of work can be stressful in and of
itself. Before heading out for the day, you may want to consider having
a quick glance over the company handbook to see if they’ve included any
information about dress codes.

Alternatively, you could just wear
whatever you feel like wearing until someone complains. This is usually
the approach I take. If you decide to go this second route though, here
are some basic fashion guidelines you should follow.

1.
Bowl Cuts

Don’t you dare come to work with a bowl cut!

These are the fashion equivalent of sex with a fourteen year old.
Don’t even think about it.

3. Sunglasses (During the Day)

Listen, if you want to wear sunglasses inside an office building,
I’m not going to stop you.

4. Sunglasses (At Night)

This
practice is acceptable ONLY if you were wearing the glasses “so you
could, so you could, forget your name while I collect your claim.”
Otherwise, forget about it.

It
takes a real man to rock a leather vest, especially if he goes
shirtless underneath. But I always say: “If you got the guns, why not
flash em?”

6. Short Shorts

Who wears short shorts? Anyone who wants to, that’s whom! Short
shorts come in various colours and can easily be carried around
compressed in a canister. Check em out!

7. Bolo Tie

Hey, aren’t bolo ties that one kind of tie Colonel Sanders wears? If
so: Awesome.

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS

What follows is a simple list of UNACCEPTABLE greetings:

1. “How’s It Hangin?”

Questions like this are considered quite rude in the
workplace. If you’re so interested in the state of other people’s
genitalia you can install a hidden toiletcams in the bathroom like the
rest of us.

Side Note: If anyone ever ask you this, feel free to respond by
saying “With Mister Cooper.”

2. A Slap On The Ass

Here are the consequences of ass slapping arranged by gender. Follow
these carefully, assuming you do not want to be sued:

3. “Whatup/Wazzap/Sup?”

No. No. No.

4. Aaaaayyyy, lookoo it
is! (makes crude masturbatory gesture).

Do this.

5. Yo

If you are either Sylvester Stalone, A
neighborhood guy yelling at another guy because the second guy forgot
his wallet on the counter at the deli and it about to walk out the door
without it, someone who has just had a beverage spilled on them, or a
young Tony Danza, you may say “yo”. Everyone else…better luck next
time.

COPING WITH STRESS

As
I said at the outset: The first day of work is probably going to be
stressful. This can be problematic, because, as they say, you only get
to make one first impression. So try to imagine, then, the first
impression one would make with his new coworkers he were to go
staggering through the building drenched in sweat and pulling at the
collar of his shirt simply because he is nervous for the first day of
work. It would be a scandalous affair, to be sure.

So what
can be done to combat these first day jitters? Prescription drug abuse
is one possible solution. For legal reasons, I will not officially
recommend this, but it has been said that medicines from the
Benzodiazepine class (such as Clonazepam and Lorazepam) are very
effective at combating the anxieties or troubling physical tics which
might be brought about by first-day jitters.

Don’t overdo
it though, Benzodiazepines are sometimes used as date-rape drugs! By
abusing
these substances, you risk unintentionally exposing yourself to
inappropriate hand or face love by a lustful coworker (or at the very
least: a thorough groping by members of the on-site janitorial staff).

Protect yourselves and your blood!