spend his entire life gazing at the stars, seeing nothing, while
another could glance up from his book for half a second only to be set
upon by gangs of interstellar rowdies who beat him with silver
truncheons and toss him shrieking into the belly of their silver ship
which roars off into the moonless night, leaving only an half-read copy
of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to The Mafia” and a soiled pair of
undergarments in its wake.
spend his entire life gazing at the stars, seeing nothing, while
another could glance up from his book for half a second only to be set
upon by gangs of interstellar rowdies who beat him with silver
truncheons and toss him shrieking into the belly of their silver ship
which roars off into the moonless night, leaving only an half-read copy
of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to The Mafia” and a soiled pair of
undergarments in its wake.
Yes, the life of an alien
hunter is as glamorous as they come. But it isn’t ALL
wine and roses. When you’ve been studying aliens as long as I have,
people tend to ask you the same questions over and over, and honestly it gets a
little tiring. That’s why I’ve written this Q&A, to stop all of you from asking me so many questions. I have things to do.
Q.
A lot of my friends say aliens don’t exist. They wonder why they should
believe in aliens since there is no evidence of them. How can I
convince my friends that aliens are real?
A. If these
“friends” of yours would simply remove the blinders the government has
placed upon their eyes, they would find an entire WORLD of evidence
awaits them. Let me go through some of the most startling proof a
person can find in just one of the key areas: Nature.
Sometimes you can see the moon during the day. I thought the moon only came out at night? Try to explain that one, science.
Takea look at the root of a tree. Look at that! See how wrinkly it
is…like the appendage of some elder spacebeast from lightyears away.
And look how it snakes its way around through the soil. It almost seems
alive.
Chocolate actually contains caffeine. Many people
aren’t aware of this fact. Dark chocolate contains the most (sometimes
upwards of 20 milligrams per ounce!).
Have you ever seen a
rose wilt before your very eyes? Have you ever heard a small child cry
out in pain even though nothing has happened to him? Have you
ever gotten goosechills up your spine and on your nipples upon hearing
the cry of an unknown bird in the wood? I have.
I hit an alien with my car once. But it got away.
Q. That stuff might not be enough to make my friends believe me. They say they want scientific proof.
A.
Ah, well perhaps what your friends are looking for is something called
“The Drake Equation” named after Sir Francis Drake, the famous Greek
philosopher who came up with it. The Drake Equation states:
1. There are a million grains of sand on the beach.2. There are a million stars in the sky.
3. Put a grain of sand under a microscope, and keep doing it. Certainly one of those grains must contain microbiotic life.
4.
Once you’ve found a microrganism, consider this: If there are as many
stars as grains of sand, and grains of sand contain microbiotic life,
stars must contain life on them as well.
5. Stars are in space, and the only type of life that happens in space is extraterrestrial life.
6. Therefore: (1=2) and (3 comes before 4), which both precede (5). (3+2+1 = 5).
7. Aliens exist.
Q. I think I might’ve been abducted by aliens but I can’t remember? What should I do?
A.
First, give yourself a time out. Sit still for an hour or so and
try to figure out what happened. Turn out the lights, burn some
incense,
and spread some rosepetals across the bed. Try to think of it as if you
are sexing up your own mind to get it to give up your memories of the
abduction. If it won’t though, you’ll have to be prepared to take them
by force! Some people might try to tell you this is mindrape, but it
isn’t! Those memories were rightfully yours in the first place; your
brain has no right to withhold them from you.
If this
doesn’t work though, you might consider visiting a hypnotist who
specializes in repressed memory therapy to see if he can’t bring those
memories of the aliens groping you to the surface.
Q. If I am ever abducted, can I communicate with these aliens?
A.
You can. The alien language is a complex one, and it would probably
take a lifetime for a human being to master it, but it is possible to
learn a bit just to get by. Here’s how to say a few key phrases:
| Have you any vegetarian dishes |
Nkkkt. Neet Neet. |
| Where is the railway station |
Zok…Zolbok! |
| I beg your pardon, for I have soiled myself |
Rohip Chen Nas Grapai! |
| Please can I have a fork |
(Nearly Inaudible Clicks) |
| I would like a refund |
Kleedo Mich Bleldor |
| This beverage contains too much salt |
Jooomla. |
| I would like to try this on |
Yo-to, Yo-to, Yi-to. |
| I would greatly enjoy a visit to the museum of trucking |
(Rapid Birdlike Chittering) |
| The corporal has done well for himself |
Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! |
That should cover most of
the basics. Just know that the most important thing to remember if you
ever come into contact with alien life is this: Be friendly, be
courteous, and be gracious. These creatures are our guests, and quite
possibly our future overlords.Whether they choose to be
benevolent or enslave us all as slavey sex slaves may be up to you.
The future is yours to create!