Most people reading this aren’t going to have a cluewhat the Jersey Devil is. But that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You’re
here to learn. At least I hope you are. Because if you aren’t, this
eighteen cent grant the federal government gave me to research on the
Jersey Devil is just going to waste.
It isn’t easy to get these grants
you know! Do you people realize how many FORMS I had to fill out for
this? Four. And that’s just the ones I made
up. Actually it was all made up. Lies are my tool.
But hey, let’s talk about the Jersey Devil now.
Most people reading this aren’t going to have a cluewhat the Jersey Devil is. But that’s why you’re here, isn’t it? You’re
here to learn. At least I hope you are. Because if you aren’t, this
eighteen cent grant the federal government gave me to research on the
Jersey Devil is just going to waste.
It isn’t easy to get these grants
you know! Do you people realize how many FORMS I had to fill out for
this? Four. And that’s just the ones I made
up. Actually it was all made up. Lies are my tool.
But hey, let’s talk about the Jersey Devil now.
WHAT IS THE JERSEY DEVIL?
with many creatures of urban legend, descriptions of the Jersey Devil
vary widely depending on the education and intoxication levels of those
who claim to have seen it. Here are a few examples:
Buzzed Southern Gentleman
I seen was this flash uh somethin right thar across mah headlights. I
dursay tweren’t human, b’tall happened suhquickly I can’t say fershure.
Alls I know is it din’t move like nothing I ever seen afore…”
Elderly Cuban Man (Moderately Intoxicated)
gusta montar la bicicleta in los montanas! Que te gusta hacer en los
fines de semana? La puerta esta abierta! Mmm…los gatos malos en la
biblioteca. Muchas gracias.”
Drunken Salty Sea Dog
“A
darkened shape scrabbled across the path a harsbreath ahead a me from
me staaarbord side. Ai, she was farteen hands across if she’wer a mile.
Arr.”
Jaundiced Drifter (Sauced Beyond Comprehension)
“Mrrph! Nnnnnnnnnngh! Uf. Zzzzzzzzzzzz….”
most the things which most of the reports agree upon is that the
creature is a hoofed biped with an elongated neck, a tail, and wings.
So I think I’ve just solved the mystery of the jersey devil…it’s a
pegasus standing on it’s hind legs! I don’t know why I didn’t think of
this before, it’s so obvious! Call the museum of natural
history! Call James Randi! Call in the the Canadian Milita–
Wait, what’s that you say? Pegasuses don’t exist either?
Fuck. Just forget it.
DEBUNKING THE MYTHS
sure, I could sit here and throw plenty of “facts” at you about the
Jersey Devil. I could show you actual photographs of its bones
and clear, undoctored video clips showing it frolicking around in
the forest. But you know what? I’m not going to insult your
intelligence by doing
that.
Instead, I’ll just go ahead and debunk a few of the
more prominent misconceptions about the Jersey Devil instead. Far more
useful than evidence right?
Myth 1: The Jersey Devil Can Be Seen
can’t see it.
Myth 2: The Jersey Devil Was Born Of A Human Mother
Devil’s don’t come out of vaginas (the horns would become lodged in the
tender walls and it would fail to be born).
Myth 3: The Jersey Devil Loves Children
He hates them.
Myth 4: The Jersey Devil’s Eyes Glow Red & Can
Paralyze Humans
Oh pishaw, I haven’t heard such rubbish in all my days. Glowing red
eyes…imagine such a thing in our modern society! Piffle and hogwash!
Myth
5: The Physical Descriptions Of The Jersey Devil Are Most Consistent
With A Species Of Ancient Pterosaur.
Lizards go against the bible. Numbers 23:12: “Whosoever shall walk on
four legs with blood run cold shouldst cast thine eyes to the heavens,
for he is chosen by The Lord. Sit on thy rock, ancient one, and trouble
me no more.”
That probably proves something.
EVIDENCE
Here’s the timeline of
evidence I collected on this creature. I think when taken as a whole,
this pretty much proves conclusively that the Jersey Devil exists.
1909: Some chickens got killed
1912: An old lady saw
something flying in the air at night
1912: People found tracks
from a thing in their yards
1915: A guy was riding a
horse down the road and the horse fell down. Nothing was even around.
1926: Some hunters saw a thing in the
woods and shot at it. Unfortunately they missed and it could not be
identified.
1951: People in a town heard
someone (or something) screaming one day. There wasn’t meant to be any
screaming at that particular time
1973: This guy gave his dog a
biscut and the dog growled at him
1991:
A
pizza delivery driver describes an encounter with what he describes as
a “white horselike creature (possibly a horse)” on the outskirts of town
1996: A sulfry odor hangs in the
air in some areas. This devil is said to love sulfur!
2009: (Personal) I come home
one evening to find my front door unlocked. I am reasonably sure I
locked it before leaving the house.
FINAL VERDICT
jersey devil exists, I don’t know what does.
CONFIRMED!