Alright,
let’s be completely honest here: This is no longer a series dedicated
to recognizing the achievements of animals. This is not by design; it’s
just the way it happened to play out. See, animals (even fictional
ones) almost never do anything worthwhile.

What’s the point of
commending the best of the worst? There isn’t one. So from now on, I’m
using this space as a platform for rants against lazy animals I hate.
And few animals are as worthless as the pig, so I’d better get started
on them.

The story goes like this: Wilbur
is a whiny little pig who doesn’t want to be butchered up and eaten. He
squeals and cries incessantly about it for a few days, until finally
one of his friends, a spider (don’t ask me) comes up with a plan to
shut him up: She weaves a bunch of messages in webs above his pen. This
has to be the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard, but whatever, I guess a
spider did come up with it. You can’t expect too much.

But
anyway, the spider starts weaving these weird advertisements into webs
above his pen at night. So when the humans head out to the pig pen the
next morning, they find the lazy pig sleeping in the dirt, and a web
above his head which says something like “Way to go!” or “Magic!” and
the humans are very impressed, and decide not to kill the pig. Then
they put him in a fair, the spider dies, and all the kids watching learn some
deep lesson about the ephemeral nature or life. Whatever.

I
have a few problems with this story. First of all, it annoys me that
the humans were so impressed with this pig. You idiots, obviously the
pig didn’t write that message. It is a SPIDER WEB! Forget the stupid pig
for a minute and CAPTURE THAT SPIDER WHO CAN COMPREHEND FUCKING ENGLISH.

Seriously! While you
hayseeds were out prancing around the county fair singing some song
about a pig whose only skill seems to be overemotional sobbing, the most
significant scientific discovery of the century was dying in the
rafters of a rotting barn. Well done, you hicks.

Although
this isn’t actually a pig, there are some concerns relating to this
song I’d like to address. One of the lyrics goes like this:

This question seems to be the main focus of the
song, but I think maybe Mr. Osbourne wouldn’t have asked it if
he had a better understanding of how our political system functioned.

If
I could just quickly remind him that politicians are the old
out-of-shape doughy guys who sit behind desks in Washington, and that
SOLDIERS (usually younger, mentally and physically fit men and women)
are the ones who do the fighting in wars. There’s a good reason behind
this: It is their job and they asked to do it.

A
politician’s job is to work in politics, and,
funny as it might be to imagine Colorado state senator Mark Udall
charging over a dune clutching an assault rifle and tossing bundles of
C4 into baby carriages, it probably won’t win any wars. So dry up, you
Black Sabbath junkies.

Three
pigs build houses. One builds a house of straw, one of sticks, and one
of bricks. Why they are doing this I do not know. Guess they just got
that carpenter’s itch. But as the straw and sticks pigs quickly find
out, not everyone is fit to be a carpenter, as both of their houses
collapse almost immediately when blown upon by a wolf. Let me just
restate that: Their houses collapse when a wolf blows on them. He
doesn’t throw himself against them, he doesn’t even have to put his
forelegs on the walls and push, he just blows on them and they
collapse. Unbelievable.

I mean, aren’t you pigs WEAVING at
all? You gotta interlace that crap; you can’t just stack up a bunch of
sticks and expect the thing to hold, it’s ludicrous. What the hell did
you think was going to happen!? Rrrrrrg! You pigs make me so angry!

Anyway
the wolf comes and blows over the first two houses, and then the brick
pig lets the other two inside, where they live out the rest of their
lives safe from the wolf. So I guess I’ll close with the
apparent moral of this story: