There
comes a time in every young boy’s life when he’s got to go out and make
his own way in the big wide world. At that time, he will be a man.
Nobody can truly say what sort of a man he will be.

The old saying goes
something like “Show me a boy when he turns thirteen, and I will show
you the man he will be.” What garbage. Anyway, todays Sainted/Tainted
features Barbies, Pickpockets, Male Chickens, and old women. Oh I’m sure it’ll be just fascinating for you.

The
Martinson’s department store in Hinkley. My daughter and I were shocked
when we saw an endcap for Barbie dolls in your store. The signage read “Bold, Beautiful Barbies: $11.89 each”
and prominently displayed a picture featuring three (3) dark-skinned
little girls playing with the dolls. I would pose this question to you,
Martinson’s: Where the white girls at?

I
am white. I remember the good old days when each sign or store display
would display at least one child of each of the three races (white,
black, and Asian/Pacific Islander) Does Martinson’s really believe
we’ve advanced so far as a country that we no longer require signage
diversity in our stores? If so, they are gravely mistaken.
My daughter became so distraught after seeing this sign that I had no
choice but to leave her at the store. For shame, Martinson’s.

Sainted

The very honest guest at the HoChunk Casino in
Tobermint Bay. You stopped me and pointed out the red plastic
wallet which fell out of my coat pocket as I stood up to leave the Aces With Dirty Faces
slot machine I had been playing.

If it hadn’t been for your kindness, the old man at the machine
next to me (the person from whom I had originally pickpocketed the wallet)
might’ve spotted it and picked it up again or something. Thanks for being so cool.

Tainted

The
young lady on the walking path at the park who freaked out. I had
approached and asked you if you had seen one of my male birds (I raise
chickens nearby, and one had escaped from its coop). Your
reaction was rude and completely uncalled for, to say the least.

I tried to soothe things
over by telling you that if you would help me find it I would let you
hold it and pet it, but this only seemed to make things worse and you
ran off into some woods. Whatever happened to love thy neighbor? Anyway, I suppose
in retrospect I probably could’ve chosen a better word to describe the
bird than I did.

Sainted

Geraldine
Hammond, for dying early last Sunday morning. I’d lived below you here
in Oak Glen Home for Seniors for going on six years now, and you’ve
been nothing but trouble. You ran your water far too often. Seriously,
it was beyond belief. I mean, how much water does a person NEED to use when they wash their DAMN hands? Apparently the answer is TWELVE MINUTES WORTH.

Also, you seemed to love CLOMPING around at all hours of the night. You ever heard of mall walking before? Jesus. You know, it’s funny. I’ve actually spent every night and every day since the day you moved in praying
with all my heart that one of us (preferably you) would drop dead so I
could finally have some peace and quiet. Now it seems I’ve finally
gotten my wish. Now I can finally get on with enjoying my golden years.
I certainly hope you enjoy yours, oh wait, that’s right you can’t
because You’re Dead.