making harassing phone calls can be fun (just ask anyone who’s worked
in telemarketing), but what about receiving them? If you’re not sure,
why don’t you take some time to find out? Do what I do: Rack up
thousands of dollars in debt on multiple credit cards, and then just
let it sit there.
Don’t pay a dime. Then, if anyone from the company
calls with a friendly reminder, just screech into the phone, bang it on
the desk a few times, and hang it up. Soon the collection agencies will
begin to call, and you’ll be well on your way to vaguely threatening
phone call heaven.
making harassing phone calls can be fun (just ask anyone who’s worked
in telemarketing), but what about receiving them? If you’re not sure,
why don’t you take some time to find out? Do what I do: Rack up
thousands of dollars in debt on multiple credit cards, and then just
let it sit there.
Don’t pay a dime. Then, if anyone from the company
calls with a friendly reminder, just screech into the phone, bang it on
the desk a few times, and hang it up. Soon the collection agencies will
begin to call, and you’ll be well on your way to vaguely threatening
phone call heaven.
But, as usual I’ve gotten sort of
off-topic. Here’s a review of a threatening phone call I received from
Comcast (the cable company, of course). I think you’ll be surprised at
how well they do.
The Call
It was very early in themorning and I was asleep. The phone rang. I picked it up, and a man’s
voice began to speak. Well, actually it wasn’t so much speaking
per-se. It was less of an “I’m calling with a friendly reminder of our
policy” voice and more of a “Snarling with abject hatred as I strangle
you to death as retribution for shanking my friend Dee-Bo in the
exercise yard” voice, if that means anything to you. So yeah, it took
me a second to get my bearings. When I finally did, I heard something
like this:
“—ith Comcast
communications _____ department, and I’m CALLING you today to INFORM
you that you’ve come up on one of our monthly scans as using
SUBSTANTIALLY MORE BANDWIDTH than is allotted to you with the plan you
currently pa—”
And, stop. Obviously
this lecture continued on for the next few minutes, but I’ll just
quickly sum up. Apparently I had been using my “Unlimited” (their
words, not mine) Comcast High Speed cable internet connection TOO MUCH,
and it was this guy’s job to call me and intimidate me into using less
bandwidth. If I did not cut down on my usage, he said, my connection
would be “terminated” by Comcast. I can only assume by his tone that I
would also have been harmed physically in some way as well.
Response
might not have spoken up to the scary man on the phone, but you can be
damn sure I didn’t take this lying down! Here’s what I did after I hung
up and managed to stop shaking.
-
Grumbled under my breath. To people I knew, to relatives at parties, to strangers in the park, anyone who didn’t walk away.
-
Read forum posts.
Found people who complained about similar situations. Upon reading
these I would sit up in my chair and shout, “Yeah!” and then lie back
again. 
Fashioned a crude sign out of construction paper. It read “Komcast Suckz (nazi symbol)”
and I hung on my wall. It fell down after a few days though and I never
bothered to hang it up again. Nobody ever comes over to my house
anyway, so who would see it?-
Constructed a piñata of comcast’s mascot “Cody the High Speed Internet Puffin”. Then I bashed it to bits while screaming obscenities in Spanish while technicolor versions of the cast of WKRP In Cincinnati
looked on with horror and then exploded into chromatic shards
while singing an acapella swing version of “We Are The World”. - Awoke from the fever dream I was just having. Then I proceeded to vomit into the drawer of a nearby hutch.
Was I Afraid?
No, unfortunately for Comcast Corporation, I was not. Mostly I was confused, and maybe a little unsettled.
But then again, who wouldn’t be unsettled by a menacing phone call at six in the morning from a gravelly-voiced man you’ve never met who apparently SEETHES WITH BARELY REPRESSED RAGE simply because you’ve downloaded a few more episodes of The Shield than his company would have liked.