By Martin “The Baron” Hubley
“Holla,
me gusto La Baron, pero yo quiero los videojuegos!” For those of you
who don’t speak Spanish, what I just said was “Hello, my name is The
Baron and I love movies!” It’s a fun little exersize in ethnic
languages, and it doesn’t hurt that it’s true too. Me and my big &
beautiful girlfriend Tina live for films. Who ever said large girls
don’t know how to have fun? Certainly not me.

Today I’m going to be reviewing two very different (but very similar) superhero films. The first is The Iron Man starring Robert Downing Junior, and the second is the George Clooney vehicle Michael Clayton.

The Iron Man

Running Man Admit
it. When you first saw the trailers for this movie, you thought it was
going to be pretty great. And who could blame you? Scenes of a steel
supersoldier rocketing above the desert with his legs wrapped around a
big thick missile are enough to get any man excited. I nearly flipped
my lid.

It’s too bad then that The Iron Man
is such a boring disappointment. Robert Downing Junior, star of stage
and screen, takes a break from shooting up cocaine (a dangerous type of
heroin) to star in this film. Personally, I couldn’t imagine a worse
choice than Downing for this role. Tony Starks is supposed to be a rich
playboy with a heart of gold, not some wealthy celebrity with a lot of
money.

This movie doesn’t even have much action. First time
director John Foveaux obviously does not know what he is doing. Let’s
see some explosions here people! Nobody cares about the love story
between Tony Starks and his servant Calista Flockheart.

You
don’t even get to see the Iron Suit (which allows iron man to harness his powers) until halfway through the movie.
And when you do, it’s computer animated. What a gyp! You movie makers
should try having some real-life stunts in your movies again. Does
anyone remember Indiana Jones and Star Wars? Harrison Ford knew how to
throw a punch, fire a laser, and wrestle an alligator without any special
effects way back in the 1970. Get with the times (or get out of the big
leagues).

3/10 (Above Average)

Michael Clayton

Clayton Pills Now
you might all be shouting, “Hey The Baron, this doesn’t seem like a
superhero movie to me, I thought you were only going to be reviewing
superhero movies in this series.” Well if you did say this, it just
shows your ignorance. Michael Clayton
is about a man who stands up against all odds and says “I exist and I
know what is right and wrong”. If that isn’t a comic book movie I don’t
know what is (Anyway, I just watched it and I couldn’t think of
anything else that was this new).

The only problem with this
movie is that it is boring and nothing interesting happens. I’m not
even sure what was going on half the time. From what I can understand,
George Clooney plays a millionaire bank executive who has to make
choices. His father (another employee at the same bank) flashes his own
daughter at a divorce court case (guess he won’t be getting custody)
and George Clooney’s boss says has to fix the problem or he will be
fired.

He goes to see his dad in some other state, but the old man goes
crazy and jumps out a window at the hotel. The the movie also has some
scenes of a sad-looking woman in the bathroom. I don’t understand
exactly, but I think she works for a company that makes fertilizers. I
guess the fertilizer is killing people on farms who eat it. Why would
they do that? Who knows. I never lived on a farm.

G. Clooney Anyway George
Clooney tries to help his father, but can’t. Eventually dear old dad is killed
by the mob in his apartment. Then the mob tries to blow up George
Clooney’s car, but they don’t kill him because he gets out to pet some
horses in a field. Talk about nonsense.

At this point I left to go to the bathroom for a while.

I
then came back and saw the end of the movie. The crying woman talks to
George Clooney (who pretends to be a ghost to scare her into a
confession I suppose) and records her on a cellphone for evidence of
something. Then an old man comes out and yells for security to arrest
Clooney, but they refuse and arrest him instead (fakey). I didn’t
understand this movie. Stick to what you know best Clooney: Looking
fine.

2/10 (Bad)

Thanks for reading, Baron Fans! Remember to Send Me Any Comments
you might have about this so I can post them here. And hey: Remember to
check back at this website soon for my next superseries of reviews of Spider-Man 1, 2, and 3. To coin a well-known phrase: “It’ll be webbtastic!”