Do pickup lines really work? This is a question I ask myself each
morning as I rise for a day of toil in the fields. The only real way to
gauge whether or not a pickup line “works” is to actually
speak it, preferably to a human being of the opposite sex who is also
not in your extended family.
I
realize that some of you may
think it’s a good idea to try pickup lines out on elderly uncles,
emotionally damaged children, or a small painted box turtle. I can tell
you from
experience that these are not things you want to do, for various legal
and ethical reasons. But I
know you probably won’t listen to me, so go ahead.
After you’ve gotten out of prison, come back and continue reading
for a roundup of the best (worst) pickup line articles I could find.
Do pickup lines really work? This is a question I ask myself each
morning as I rise for a day of toil in the fields. The only real way to
gauge whether or not a pickup line “works” is to actually
speak it, preferably to a human being of the opposite sex who is also
not in your extended family.
I
realize that some of you may
think it’s a good idea to try pickup lines out on elderly uncles,
emotionally damaged children, or a small painted box turtle. I can tell
you from
experience that these are not things you want to do, for various legal
and ethical reasons. But I
know you probably won’t listen to me, so go ahead.
After you’ve gotten out of prison, come back and continue reading
for a roundup of the best (worst) pickup line articles I could find.
Site: The World’s Best Pick-up Lines
links to pages because you’d probably just read their site instead). It seems to be an earnest and
unsarcastic compilation of pickup line, so let’s see what they’ve got.
“I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand”
First of all, I don’t think I even know what this one means.Obviously it’s supposed to be some kind of sly innuendo, but apparently the author didn’t realize that innuendo
is supposed to have 2 meanings, as opposed to having none at all. I can
imagine that what they are referring to are two different ways a man
can attain “relief”, and implying that mouth-based relief
is preferable to hand-based. My advice to anybody who would even consider using this line is: Take what you can get.
It’s also a play on
the old (and I do mean old) M&Ms candy slogan: “Melts in your
mouth, not in your hand”. This is problematic because not only is the
original claim cheesy, it is also blatantly false: M&M candies DO
in fact melt in your hand. Fairly easily in fact. Therefore this claim
is libelous. Then there is the question of plurality: If we are to
assume the slogan is referring to multiple pieces of candy, then the
line should be: “Melt
in your mouth, not in your hand”. You wouldn’t say: “These M&Ms
melts in my mouth”. At least I hope you wouldn’t anyway. Get
your act together Mars Corporation.
“You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear”
OK, what? The plastic in my underwear? I don’t know what that means. I
don’t
know how to respond to that. Who wears plastic underwear? Perhaps this
pickup line is only intended for use by elderly, bediapered men. But
are diapers even made of plastic? I guess I don’t even care.
The
only other explanation I can come up with is
that this line is meant for men who have prosthetic genitals. If this
is the case, I have an important warning for the plastic-genitaled
among you: Do not to go around touting this as a selling point
to women. And
you might want to have a talk with your doctor about getting some
rubber or silicone genitals. It’s surprising what medical science has
accomplished in recent years.
“Is your daddy a
thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put
it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say yes.]”
I feel the “author” of this line does the reader a great disservice by only
covering what the reader should do if the girl says “yes.” This is
obviously the least likely thing she’s going to do.
It’s
far likelier she’ll suffocate do death while attempting to
choke back derisive laughter than say yes to this cornball line, so
maybe they should’ve given the proper response to that instead.
Although to be fair, I’m not entirely sure what that would be either.
“That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.”
Here’s proof that it’s possible to be overly-specific withyour pickup lines. I think the line was originally something like “That
outfit would look great…crumpled on my floor!” which isn’t
even too hot in the first place. But the idiot who submitted this version of the line somehow managed to make
it even worse. I say if you’re going to try to punch it up by making it more detailed, at least go all the way with it:
Oh my, that outfit you’re wearing
would certainly look great if it were in a crumpled heap on the floor
of my
bedroom which is on the top floor of my two story split-level townhome
which is located conveniently off of Highway 12 and Birch Lake Drive
but anyway I would sure
like to see that previously referenced outfit of yours crumpled in a
pile on my previously
referenced floor when I wake up at 6:582 to 7:14 AM tomorrow morning
Thursday July 17th when I
get up for my job at Suncoast Motion Picture Company located in the
Woodbury Mall which I am
scheduled to work at Wednesday through Sunday 8AM-4PM and also in
case you didn’t realize it the reason it would be crumpled up on
the floor would be because you took it off when we had sex.
“Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns.”
Jesus. This line is so old Eleanor Roosevelt probably rolled her eyes
at it at some point. It doesn’t make sense anyway. Just because you
work at a bakery it doesn’t mean you get free bu- wait. You know what?
Forget it. Here’s a picture of Elanor Roosevelt:
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| Oh Andy! |