Author’s Note: This is the first article I published on this website upon its creation in 2003. Due to its inherent value to society and literature I have made no attempt at editing it or rewriting it (aside from reformatting everything, excising huge sections, and rewriting many of the sentences). There were originally some images of monkeys interspersed throughout, but they were so inconsequential that frankly they do not even warrant this explanation of their omission.
CONCEPT
OK, so you take a bunch of monkeys and you train them to be butlers for people. It’s pretty simple. The monkeys can do anything you want them to. They can bring you food, serve refreshing drinks, and even try to clean the kitchen. Believe it or not they could even be your chauffer. Imagine if instead of driving, you only had to climb in the backseat, clap your hands twice and say: “take me there” and the monkey tips his cap and drives you to your destination with a winning smile.
MONKEY NAMES
Next is the part of the plan that took the most thought: What can you name the monkeys? As everyone knows, if you have a butler, he had better have a cool name. Bumbler might be one. Then again it might not.
If you think you’ve got a better name for a monkey butler: Keep it to yourself. I don’t want to hear about it.
TRAINING
This section was originally about how I would train the monkeys, but this information has been moved to the Monkey Butler Q&A section.
Author’s Note: I have no idea what happened to the Monkey Butler Q&A section, but my suspicion is that I deleted it 20+ years ago because it was even stupider than the main section is.
JOBS
Possible tasks monkey butlers could do:
- Get you a drink (as long as it isn’t open, otherwise they might spill it)
- Pick up toys. If you have children who create a toys mess you can request the monkey to clean them up. I would make sure kids aren’t nearby though because it might become enraged and throw some of the sharper toys at one of those childs.
- One monkey could sit at the front door during a party and take people’s coats and hang them up. Then again he might just tear and chew the coats apart, so maybe just have him stand near the coat person.
- They could wash your windows or even get some cobwebs off of your ceiling fan if you get a high enough ladder. It would probably be a lot like that movie Dunston Checks In. I never actually saw it, but I think there was a service monkey in it who cleaned the rooms and did laundry. I at least know the monkey worked in a hotel. Maybe he just did the suitcases or whatever they call it.
DRIVING
The main thing is that monkeys would make great chauffeurs. There are a few problems with this though. First, who would train a monkey to drive? Not me, that’s for sure. I don’t know anyone who would get in a car with an inexperienced monkey behind the wheel. Also I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to have an animal driving you around town (yes, even if he’s your butler, I checked).
What you would probably have to do is to dress the monkey up like a person. Put a hat on him, some sunglasses, and maybe some sort of driving gloves (just for style). That way, if a passing cop ever looked inside the car and saw the monkey, he would stroke his chin and say: “Why that’s just a regular old human joe driving around in a limousine!” and continue down the street none the wiser.
Just make sure you watch the monkey’s speed. The costume wouldn’t hold up well during an accident investigation, especially when the police officer asks for identification and the monkey jumps down from the tree and starts ripping off faces.
In conclusion Monkey butlers are a sound business idea.