More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!
More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!
Tainted
Theguy with the blonde hair who cuts the lawn of the UPS facility
downtown. I know you took my ice cream sandwich. I work the front desk
there, and I recently bought the strawberry ice cream sandwich from the
vending machine and left it on my desk while I went to use the
bathroom.
When I came back, the sandwich was gone, and you were just
outside the door doing some edging. I don’t have any proof that you
stole the sandwich, but nobody else was around and I think I saw you
licking your lips a little bit. Who steals an ice cream sandwich
anyway? As far as I am concerned you owe me a dollar twenty-five. Those
things aren’t cheap.
Sainted
Those nice men down
at the YMCA. We gone to that YMCA many times to use the ce-ment pond
and also to advantage the free showers as we do not have a shower in
our home. Last time I brung my boy Jessup with me. Now that boy aint
right in the head. Sometimes he gets to a-hollerin and a carryin on
like there aint no tomorrow, and there aint much I can do to stop him.
His momma is long passed (god rest her soul). She was the only’n that
could put a stop to those spells uh his. Anywise, those two men that
work lifeguardin the pool were mighty kind and helped put the boy down
whilst I could fit the dropper in his mouth so’s I could adminster his
tincture. For that I am much obliged.
Sainted
The
bakers at Malcom’s Erotic Cakery Bakery. I recently ordered a cake from
you guys for my 10-year-old daughter’s birthday party. Honestly, I had
no idea you guys dealt in adult cakes. I am nearsighted and did not
have my glasses with me, so I misread the sign as Malcom’s Exotic
Cakery Bakery.
In the end it didn’t matter though. The kids all just
figured the cake was a pink submarine going through some seeweed. It
was actually quite delicious as well. I will certainly purchase an
erotic cake from you again.
Tainted
The chef
of the Park Diner over in Mitchum. When I commented on the lack of
cleanliness of your establishment, you got offended and claimed to keep
your kitchen floor so clean that someone could eat off it.
Well sir,
you may be interested to know that after you went home for the night I
DID in fact go into the kitchen and eat some soggy French fries and
what I believed to be pieces of uncooked chicken breast from on the
floor. Now my doctor says I have Hepatitis C. What do you have to say
for yourself now?
Sainted
The dealer on the
corner of 81st and Brookburn who sold me that marijuana laced with PCP.
I know I only asked for the straight stuff, but after what I
experienced I’m sure not going to complain. There was an old door I had
been trying (unsuccessfully) to remove from its rusty hinges for a few
days now, and after I smoked that dope I was able to just punch it off.
Also I usually run a mile a day every day of the week, but I was able
to run 7 miles in a very short period after smoking that stuff. I’m
glad I won’t have to run at all the rest of this week. I had never
considered smoking PCP before, but after last night, I’m definitely
looking to get wet again. It was one hell of a trip.