From
time to time I find certain items lying around the house. That’s it. I
just find different things sometimes; I have nothing else to say. But
hmm… I guess I’ll need more than that to fill an entire article huh?

How about this: I’ll review some of it. Would that make you happy?
Would that satisfy you? You people make me sick; sick! Whoa.
Sorry I blew up. Here are some pointless thoughts on crap I found
sitting around my house.

The New Modern Home Physician

Here’s
a medical book from the 50s I found at my grandma’s house. I will now
proceed to review it as if doing so were not at all out of the ordinary.

Cover – 7/10

The
general design is pretty good, but they got too fancy with the font for
the word “New”. It looks more like it says “Hew”. That isn’t a word anyone uses for anything. I
also subtracted a point because there isn’t anything on the back cover,
it’s just blank. Would it kill you to put a description or excerpt?
Also the spine has a big rip in it. Minus one point.

Feel – 9/10

This
book has a good weight to it. It would be good to keep on your desk in
case you got worked yourself into an impotent rage and needed something
to throw. Yeah, I bet it would be pretty satisfying to throw this old
book.

Smell – 3/10

I don’t care for the smell of
this book at all. It smells like a mixture of musty basement and some
old lady’s cheap perfume. I suppose that’s probably the way most old
books smell, but I don’t consider that a valid excuse.

Content – 10/10

I
have to say, this is where the book really shines. There are plenty of
very useful medical advice and home remedies inside. Maybe you’ve got a
bit of a dandruff problem. Let’s see what the book has to say:

“As
to the cause of dandruff, there is no doubt at all that microbes are
involved…These may be transferred from one person to another by hair
brushes and in other ways. An ointment may be used, of which the
following is a good example:

Precipitated Sulfur – 30 Grains

Salicylic Acid – 10 Grains

Mineral Oil – 1 Ounce”

Useful right? But maybe you’d like some tips on properly chewing food?
Covered!

“Sprightly
conversation, a newspaper or a book may make a meal more enjoyable and
by mental action favor its digestion” … “Satisfactory mastication
requires, first, a sufficiency of teeth and, second, sufficient time
devoted to chewing” … “a half-hour’s rest after meals will help
digestion by preventing the blood necessary for that purpose from being
withdrawn for the exercise of brain or brawn.”

Hey! But what about deaf-mutes?

“Persons
who are deaf and dumb are referred to as deaf-mutes” … “it must most
positively be laid down that as an invariable rule that persons
afflicted with congenital deafness should not breed” … “a person can
provide [artificial eardrums] for himself by making a little ball of
cotton wool, tying a thread firmly to it, dipping it into collodion
and, when this is dry putting it into the ear in the position in which
he hears best.”

There’s plenty more great advice in here, but I haven’t got enough room
to give you any more. Maybe another time.

Fire Safe

Sometimes
I like to mill around in the aisles of home improvement stores. I enjoy
picking up various items such as deadbolt lock sets or ceiling fan
balancing kits, glancing at them for a moment, and then tossing them
carelessly back into the incorrect slots. It pleases me; I get a real
charge out of it. So one day I’m doing this and I come to the section
where they keep the safes. Seeing them there, all secure and fireproof
and everything, it really made me think. What would happen to my most
treasured possessions if my house burned down? Could I live without:

My birth certificate?
My passport?
My snub nosed pistol?
My extensive collection of 1990s X-Men and Star Wars
collector cards?
My thousands of dollars in Mexican savings bonds?
My cocaine brick?

The answer to these questions is tricky because:

I don’t know where my birth certificate is anyway
I never leave the country
I don’t think they’d let someone like me carry a gun
The
trading cards are on a shelf in my closet and I don’t feel like getting
them down because all the stuff stacked on top of them will probably
fall all over the floor
I only have a single 50 dollar American savings bond
I snorted the last of that cocaine only minutes ago

Well maybe the answer isn’t all THAT
tricky. The truth is that I have absolutely no use for a fire safe,
which is why I decided to buy one. So currently secured inside my safe
(which is unlocked but not that it matters because it could easily be
picked up and carried directly out my front door by even a small
crippled child anyway) are:

Unimportant mortgage papers
Possibly a smudged copy of my social security card (I would
have to check)

So yeah, best 50 dollars I ever spent.