Have
you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up
a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a
lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I
would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as
cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about
performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman
over the head for kicks.
It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here’s a little ditty for those of
you considering a life if crime.

Have
you ever wanted to quit your job, leave your family behind, and take up
a life of crime? I know I haven’t, but that’s only because I’ve got a
lovely girlish face and am deathly afraid of the attention I
would no doubt receive if incarcerated. But few people are as
cowardly as me, so I’m sure many of you have fantasized about
performing a spectacular bank robbery or thumping a kindly old woman
over the head for kicks.
It’s only human I suppose. And so: Here’s a little ditty for those of
you considering a life if crime.

I. To Join
A Band of Roaming Thugs

Getting Started

One
of the simplest ways of getting into the crime racket is by roaming the
countryside with several other like-minded individuals. You might try
to form your own gang of thugs (if you know the right sorts of people)
but usually it’s best to find an active gang and attempt to join with
them. Of course no self-respecting gang is going to let just anybody
in, so you’ll need to gain their trust and respect first. Here are a
few pointers:

Be
yourself.
Nobody likes a phony.

Be
assertive. It’s no use following a gang around
looking sad and hoping they’ll ask you to join. Get out there and show
them what you can offer! Perhaps you could stage a knife fight in front
of them. Find a beggar who’s willing to take several deep stab
wounds to the stomach from you in exchange for a hot meal, and you’re
golden.

Be
dynamic. Thugs
are
easily impressed by rhetorical speeches they can just barely
comprehend. When you speak, speak in broad sweeping
generalizations about “them” and “you”. Speak in bold, bright tones,
using plenty of lip and tongue action. Widen your eyes while pacing
vigorously back and forth and thrusting your fist into the air. Also
consider punctuating each sentence with a racial epithet or a vague
statement which unintentionally simmers with barely-repressed
homoeroticism.

Activities

Wreaking
Havoc in “Family Friendly” Locales. What specifically is done will be
limited to your gang’s personal level of commitment to chaos, but the
bottom line is to try and “freak out” the “straight arrows”. I’ve
worked up a fun chart to help you out with some ideas.

II. To
Become A Wild-Eyed Psychopath

Getting Started

This field is certainly not for everyone. Before you begin down this
path, ask yourself a few basic questions:

1. Do I possess utter contempt for humanity?
2. Have I ever viciously strangled the life from a small
   animal in a futile attempt to satiate my bloodlust?

3. Am I charismatic?
   

4. Do
   I have a steady source of income? (for example, you might be the
   kingpin of a successful drug empire, or the son of a wealthy diplomat)
    

5. Is there a history of mental illness in my family?
   

6. How do I feel about being tied to a chair and pummeled by a
   police officer or masked vigilante?

7. What would Jesus do? (Hint: Not Crime.)
   

8. Did
   your abusive alcoholic father die before you came of age, thus
   frustratingly denying you the chance to seek coldhearted revenge
   against him
   for all the pain he has caused you?

If you answered yes to three
or more of these questions, then this is probably the career choice for
you. If not, never fear: There are plenty of other jobs that would suit
you just fine. How about a banker? A caricaturist? Or maybe even a park
ranger. The possibilities in life are limited only by your imagination
(oh, and
your race).

Activities

Regardless of what you may
have seen in films, the life of a psychopath is not all glitz and
glamour. Behind every seemingly chaotic sextuple homicide/bank
robbery/arson/kidnapping, there are days of careful planning, countless
meetings, and lots of spreadsheet analysis. Also you should be sure
you’re prepared both mentally and physically to do the following sorts
of things:

1. Potentially endangering the lives of small children and the
   elderly in
   order to prove a fairly obvious point about the selfishness of man.
   

2. Sitting in a darkened room for hours waiting for someone to
   walk through the door so you can give a speech you’ve prepared

3. Hanging out the window of speeding car and reveling in slow
   motion as ominous music drones in the background
   

4. Improvising
   cheesy retorts and catchphrases. Like, as you are lowering a victim
   into a large cauldron of boiling
   soup, you might lick your lips and say something like “Before you have
   your soup tonight, perhaps you’d like to hear our specials?!” The
   victim would reply with, “The only special I’m interested in is your
   head on a platter!” So your job would be thinking of something to say
   back to that.

That’s
enough criminals for now. Don’t cry. I’m certain there’ll be a few more
articles coming up in this series any time now. Just you wait and see
what your dear old dad has in store for you.