Patches
and Scooter and Jimbo and Moses and Harry and Chance and Jingle. These
are your children. All of them are your children… Mewling and
scrabbling they greet you as you push open the door to the house.
Fumbling with keys and groping for lightswitches, you stumble
cautiously through the room. “Shhh—shshshsh my babiesss… mommys home
now. Everything is going to be alright…” you coo softly.

But of course
one cannot be too careful in these situations: One wrong step with an
armful of groceries and the whole thing goes raw. A screetch and a
scream and the hardwood coffee table comes rushing up to shatter the
side of your face. A lone chocolate orange rolls across the floor and
into the kitchen, covered in blood. A mittened paw bats at it curiously
for a few moments, and then moves on. The house is silent but for the
gentle patting of blood upon the mantle.

 

Your Sadness Level: A Gentle and Nonspecific Longing

Your IQ: 118

 

What’s on your TV?

• American Idol
• CSI (All of Them)
• Home Shopping Network

What’s Coming Out of Your Stereo?

• Oldies Radio Station
• Different Oldies Radio Station
• Stifling Silence

 

What’s in your Trash?

• Empty Prescription Bottles
• Unopened Box of Contraceptives
• Signed Photograph of Brent Spiner You Accidentally Spilled Coffee On