Table
manners have existed since long before the invention of the table. For
example, did you know that: In ancient Rome, wiping your mouth with the
back of your arm was deemed illegal by the emperor? Or that early
Egyptians used to begin each meal with a prayer to the god of the stomach to
ensure good digestion? Perhaps you’ve heard that in 16th century China,
chewing with your mouth open was believed to have been poor luck for
gamblers. Pretty interesting huh? Well, maybe not quite as interesting
as you may have thought, because it turns out that those were
all lies. Not even remotely true. Really makes you think, doesn’t it?
So anyway, now that I’ve taught you all a valuable lesson about
dishonesty in modern society, I present to you this hard-hitting look
at table manners around the world. I would also like to point out that
it would probably be considered no-holds-barred, and also that it pulls
no punches. So look forward to that.

Russia

The
strong and highly moral peoples of Mother Russia have a long history of
eating. Go ahead. Search as far back in their history books as you can
to try and prove me wrong, I dare you! … Hmm? Yeah I knew you wouldn’t
do it. You’re nothing but a coward.

Seating Customs

Elderly
members of the family should be seated as close to the door as
possible. This is so that in the event of a fire, their chair can be
toppled over more easily by younger family members as they scrabble
desperately for the door, eyes aflame with fear. If possible, ensure
their chairs are perched precariously on the edge of a steep stairwell
or chasm (if one is available).

Morbidly
obese diners are encouraged to ask for two chairs (one for each cheek).
Don’t worry about being able to reach the table either, because you can
probably just eat off your own fat stomach just like it was a fat table
of lard, fatty.

Serving Suggestions

Do
not take second servings of food without asking, the host is obligated
to offer you more. If for some reason they do not do this within 3
minutes of you finishing your plate, you should say “what the hell is
this crap” and disgustedly slap the side of your plate, sending it
crashing to the floor. If eating on the floor, pick your plate
carefully up by both sides and slam it to the ground.
Traditionally
food is eaten with bare hands, but sometimes utensils are provided for
the use of western guests. In this case you should entertain the other
guests by saying things like “Here’s how we get things done back home!”
and pretending to fight imaginary assailants with your knife. You can
also pretend to scoop out your own eye with a spoon and then sit there
for a while with that eye closed. I wouldn’t do this if there was some
old guy there with an eyepatch though.

Thanks and Insults

If
the food displeases you, don’t be afraid to say so. Dishonesty is
considered much ruder than telling the truth. If you don’t feel
completely comfortable directly telling your host that food is gross,
simply grimacing or pretending to gag after each bite should get the
message across. Then throw down your napkin and say “F**k this, I’m going to Wendy’s.”
If
you drop a piece of bread on the floor, never fear: it is still OK to
eat. Just remember that it is rude to pick off any loose bits of dirt,
toenails, or pet dander that might have accumulated on it.

America

Americans
are often thought of as uncouth slobs who press triple cheeseburgers
into their mouths with little regard for politeness or manners. This is true for most Americans, but not all. Well OK, maybe all.

Drinks

Beverage
glasses are usually placed to the left of the main plate, but if you
get sick to your stomach and one hasn’t been provided, feel free to
just vomit into your cupped hand. If you are starring in a film about
wild children attending summer camp with little or no adult
supervision, you should vomit into the lap of the well-to-do elderly
woman next to you while all the other kids shout “ewwwwwww!” and begin
to throw pieces of food as a Smash Mouth song plays.
Alcohol
is often served with dinner in America, but If you happen to be having
dinner with family or friends on St. Patrick’s Day, the etiquette is a
bit different. Consume dangerous amounts of alcohol very very quickly;
becoming gruff and hostile. Begin insulting all the other guests,
upsetting trays of things, and licking your lips while leering at
prepubescent girls. If anyone challenges you on this, say “Obviously
you don’t know what this day is all about, I’m celebrating that guy who
killed all the snakes in Ireland.” When they reply that there probably
never even were any snakes in Ireland in the first place, shout “It’s
the luck of the Irish!” and shatter a glass mug across their face,
sending a sharp shard of glass through their eye and slicing through
the optic nerve, blinding them permanently. Then go vomit into some
drapes while sobbing uncontrollably. In conclusion: St. Patrick’s Day
is a worthless holiday for drunks.

Happy St. Patty’s Day Everybody!

Seating Customs

At
family dinners, the father should always be seated at the head of the
table and served first. This is because he has often had a hard day of
sitting at his desk at the office and then pretending to work late so
he can go sit in a dark bar and then coming home to a bunch of
screaming kids whom he never wanted and now secretly despises and a
starry-eyed young wife who was so enamored with the romantic idea of
marriage that she married when she was far too young and now he ignores
her almost completely and is probably cheating on her, only a few years
into their marriage. She has begun taking antidepressants and drinking
heavily while the children are at school. It does little to numb the
pain. Somewhere in the distance, a trains whistle blows. She takes
three more of the blue pills and begins to feel as if she were falling
into the sky.

Religious Customs

In
deeply religious families, make sure each person is within arm’s reach
of the person sitting next to him or her. Now, if a natural disaster,
nuclear holocaust, or giant monster invasion occurs, everyone at the
table will easily be able to join hands and being praying solemnly as
the building collapses around them.
Often “Grace” or a
prayer is said at the beginning of meals, and everyone is expected to
participate. If you’re uncomfortable with this, it isn’t impolite to
excuse yourself from the table, muttering threats under your breath
while fingering a switchblade.

China

Aside
from careless and gleeful pollution, China’s favorite pastime is
eating. Often the Chinese have been known to combine both of these
loves together by eating Mercury-rich fish which come from their
rivers, which actually contain more fossil fuels and fecal matter than
most raw sewage dumps. Also I heard they ruined the Olympics.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks
should always be used in the correct fashion. That is: Scoffing and
tossing them haphazardly over your shoulder into a pile of rubble or
garbage and using a spoon and fork instead, because chopsticks are
antiquated and ridiculous.
If someone is droning on and
on during a meal and you become bored, feel free to grab the chopsticks
of the person next to you and drum with them like drumsticks, or pick
at scabs with them. If anyone protests, stab them.

Offerings

When you first arrive at a person’s home, they may offer you drinks and snacks. It is extremely
important that you accept this offering; it would be a serious offense
to refuse. No, I don’t care if you’re a recovering alcoholic who’s been
sober for 28 years, or if you’re dangerously allergic to the snacks, THAT STUBBORN CHINESE MAN IS GOING TO BE ANNOYED IF YOU DON’T DO WHAT HE WANTS.
At
the table, the host will often place more food on your plate without
asking. If you’re not hungry, don’t try to refuse. Instead you should
shake your head sadly as your eyes fill with tears of regret and you
cup your face gently in your hands. As tears stream from between your
fingers, begin to sob, and then allow the sobs to slowly turn into
laughter. Soon everyone at the table will be laughing along with you,
and you can wrap the food in a napkin and throw it up on top of the
cupboards when they aren’t looking.

Hands

You
should keep your hands above the table at all times. If you happen to
move your hands out of sight (even accidentally), everyone will assume you are
reaching for a dagger in order that you might use it to assassinate the king. You
will surely be killed.
If at any point during the
meal someone accidentally upsets a glass with their arm or drops a
piece of silverware to the floor, you should politely applaud while
nodding your head and shouting “Yeah! Yeaaah!” You can get away with
this because Chinese people will be much smaller than you, and won’t
dare try to fight you. And no, they don’t all know Karate, you racist.
That’s Japanese people.

This
information should help a great deal if you ever visit a foreign
country. Remember that you are a guest in these lands, and this means
you are morally obligated to learn and abide by every pointless and
quirky custom its people have come up with. After all, what else are
you going to do? Sit around and waste your time reading some piece of
crap website about nothing? I think you’re better than that.