Many people wish they had superpowers, but do they truly know the risk involved in obtaining them? Who among us would
brave an atomic blast, a bite from a radioactive
arachnid, or an inordinately risky and ostensibly pointless genetic
experiment in order to obtain these powers? Very few people, because humans are basically cowards. But for those foolish enough to
try, I’ve written this guide describing the practical features of each
of the major superpowers. Be sure and read the whole thing before you
decide which you’re going to go for.

Flight

Why would you want it?

You probably wouldn’t. You can probably name a bunch of superheroes that can fly, but can you name any whose only
ability is flight? I don’t think there are any, and this is because the
power of flight alone is pretty worthless. What exactly are you going
to do with it? You can’t fight crime any better if you can fly. I
suppose it would help you to better see if
any crimes were being committed though. You would probably just have to
phone the police. This puts the power of Flight at about the same
crime-fighting level as a nosy old neighbor woman who peeks through her
miniblinds all day.

Pros

Pretty Impressive
Save Money on Transportation
Fun

Cons

Worthless
Too Cold in Winter / Rain
Bugs in Face
Extremely Conspicuous
Eyes Dry Out / Chapped Face
Dangerous at Night
Possibly Illegal

Usefulness

3/10

Invisibility

Why would you want it?

Invisibility
is pretty much a license to do anything you want without consequences.
Want to continuously set off the customer bell at small shops causing
the owner to come out and look puzzled upon seeing that nobody is around? Go
right ahead! Fancy going around taking people’s hats off and throwing
them? Who’s going to stop you? Feel like standing pantsless on the
jewelry counter at Sears and playing with yourself while singing the
theme from Full House? Go to town. Just make sure to clean up after
yourself, because the mess you will leave will most certainly not be invisible.

Pros

Get into Movies Free
Skinny Dipping Without Embarrassment
Watching People Undress
Perfect Criminal
Easily Mess with People
Masturbate Freely

Cons

Will Undoubtedly Become Evil

Usefulness

9/10

Animal Transformation

Why would you want it?

I
don’t know. I can only imagine a few situations where this power would be useful. You become a bird. OK, you can fly. So what?
You’ll just have to turn back into a human again if you wanted to
accomplish anything besides eating a field mouse. Some of you might be
smugly thinking, “Well I could turn into a tiger and be able to attack
my enemies!” Well how about this: get yourself a gun instead of wasting
your wish on this worthless superpower. I can think of one
case where this power might be less than useless. If someone were to
bet you five dollars that you “couldn’t turn into a badger” and then
you did, hey that’s easy money. But how likely is a thing like that to
happen. Not very.

Pros

Can Transform into any Animal

Cons

Animals are Worthless

Usefulness

0/10

Super Strength

Why would you want it?

You
could do things like lifting cars off of trapped pets, heaving large
boulders, and opening canned goods simply by squeezing them. If you
feel you would be interested in performing feats such as these, Super Strength
may be the right power for you. Just remember that regardless of
whether you are good or evil, there will be plenty of work involved.
Heroes would constantly need to be wrapping groups of thugs up in light
poles while laughing heartily, and villains should always be pounding
the ground so it ripples in a shockwave, or peeling the roofs of
armored cars off as if they were sardine cans. Super Strength is not for the lazy.

Pros

Good Fighter
Easier Opening Jars
Good at Most Sports
Look Good Shirtless
Square Jaw
Lower Risk of Heart Attack

Cons

Hassle
Constantly Challenged to Arm Wrestling Matches
Inability to Give Hugs
Thoughtfully Biting Off Own Tongue / Lip Far Easier
Tearing Doors from Hinges / Lifting Garage Doors through Roofs
Still Not Invincible

Usefulness

6/10

That’s
all the superpowers I’ve figured out for now. This series will
certainly continue in the future, because hey: I sure don’t have
anything better to do.