By Kevin
Funnyman Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in two reasonably popular science fiction films, The 6th Day and Total Recall.
Aside from taking place in the future and being goofy to the point of
near insanity, these films also share another common trait: They both
contain supercreepy androids. In The 6th Day it’s SimPal Cindy, a gape-mouthed animatronic mannequin child with beady eyes. In Total Recall
it’s JohnnyCab, who looks a bit like an evil ventriloquist dummy
version of Don Knotts dressed like a 1920s bus driver. Be warned that
this article contains a number of frightening pictures and videos of
these creatures, so it should probably not be viewed by small children
or pets.
By Kevin
Funnyman Arnold Schwarzenegger has starred in two reasonably popular science fiction films, The 6th Day and Total Recall.
Aside from taking place in the future and being goofy to the point of
near insanity, these films also share another common trait: They both
contain supercreepy androids. In The 6th Day it’s SimPal Cindy, a gape-mouthed animatronic mannequin child with beady eyes. In Total Recall
it’s JohnnyCab, who looks a bit like an evil ventriloquist dummy
version of Don Knotts dressed like a 1920s bus driver. Be warned that
this article contains a number of frightening pictures and videos of
these creatures, so it should probably not be viewed by small children
or pets.
The 6th Day
From
what I could understand, this movie is supposed to be about a guy who
gets cloned. I’m not sure why or how he was cloned though because
frankly I wasn’t paying much attention. Anyway it doesn’t really
matter. The plot is just a lame excuse to have Arnold run around
goggle-eyed in a vaguely futuristic world choking out marble-mouthed
catchphrases while people fire guns at him and miss.
Most
importantly though, at one point in the film Arnold heads over to the
mall and decides to buy his daughter a SimPal Cindy doll. Now
if this were a real toy, there is little doubt that the company
manufacturing it would be bankrupt within a month. No child (or adult
for that matter) is going to want to have this ghoulish thing in their
home. Just look at it. Look at it!
Imagine
waking up in the dead of night; a gentle whirring and soft giggling
comes from just outside your door. Cracking it open you squint out into
the dim hallway and the doll smiles out at you from the darkness. “I’m SimPal Cindy. Let’s play.”
Throw a sheet over the thing and heave the whole squirming bundle
through the incinerator hatch. The family huddles together, adults with
furrowed brows clutching children with hands pressed to their ears,
crying out through gritted teeth. Up through the grates comes the
screeching as it slams itself against the walls, waxy skin melting from
its face to reveal a polished and shivering endoskeleton. Soon it
becomes quiet and your son looks up at you with tears in his eyes.
“Is it over daddy?” he asks.
“Yes son.” You say, stroking his hair and pulling his head to your chest. “Everything is going to be alright.”
Anyway, here’s the video of it:
Total Recall
This
film is madness. Arnold decides to go on some kind of “memory vacation”
in which you don’t really go in vacation, but instead some company
implants the memories of it in your head. As stupid as this idea might
seem, they’ve actually managed to base an entire script around it.
Well, maybe calling it a script is a little generous. The movie is
actually comprised solely of scenes of Arnold blowing people’s innards
all over concrete walls and then shouting confusedly at dull peripheral characters
that usually end up trying to murder him.
The robotic cab driver JohnnyCab is no exception to this rule.
After
getting into the JohnnyCab and refusing to provide it with a
destination, Arnold goes into an inexplicable rage and tears the robot
out of the driver’s seat and takes control until he escapes his
pursuers. He stops the cab under a bridge and the stump of the
still-functioning JohnnyCab cheerfully requests payment, saying, “The
fare is 18 credits please!” To which Arnold replies “Sue me, dickhead.”
(or more accurately: “Sew me, deckhead.”)
The
JohnnyCab is apparently not pleased at this, and it makes an utterly
horrifying sound and tries to ram Arnold with the cab as he walks away.
Of course it misses, rams into a wall, and the cab begins to burn. As
flames burn the flesh from JohnnyCab, it screams “We hope you enjoyed
the ride!” and gives a little Pee Wee laugh before the cab erupts into
a ball of flame. Truly the stuff of nightmares.
Finally, here’s the video (Youtube disabled embedding, don’t blame me):
I hope you’ve enjoyed this special Creepy Android Edition of Awful Scifi Tech. Sleep well.
