Many science fiction films portray the future as a beautiful place
where sleek chrome ships glide through skies, cybernetic servants cater
to our every whim, and war is but a distant memory. In Dune
however, the future is apparently the 70s. Drab, puffy-haired men
wander around cheap sets in a druggy haze while mumbling vaguely religious
threats, everyone wears unflattering jumpsuits, and seemingly,
only three colors of paint exist: brown, green, and burnt orange. But
most importantly, Dune takes place in a
future where humans have seemingly disregarded all previous technological
advancements in favor of a bunch of crappy stuff they found in junkyard somewhere.

Poisoned Blade Suit

At the end of the film the main character engages in hand-to-hand
combat with peripheral character Sting (does it really matter why?).
The first
problem with this: Why exactly is an unknown character who’s
abeen in the movie for approximately 18 seconds taking part in a
final battle with the hero? I don’t even know who he’s supposed to be.
An evil warlord? Somebody’s troublesome nephew? A saintly old peasant
who delivers gifts to the tiny sand children? It’s shockingly vague.
Secondly: Sting cheats horribly with this ridiculous blade weapon, and
nobody seems to care in the least.

At one point the two are grappling and the blade suddenly shoots
out from Sting’s side (see, up there ^). Well, I think it’s his side, I
couldn’t really tell due to the poor editing. Anyway, I guess cheating
with hidden weapons in an honor battle is allowed in the world of Dune,
because nobody in the crowd seems to show even the slightest hint of
concern (or interest for that matter). Well here, check them out:

“What is that smell…”

“I’m comprised of sturdy plastic!”

“Ooh! Someone just goosed me!”

Honestly I can’t even imagine any case where a side-knife would be remotely
useful anyway. In fact, it seems more than a little dangerous. Imagine if you
fell on the thing the wrong way, or if you were giving your wife a hug
and it came sliding out and cut open her stomach lining, or even
if you were pushing through a crowd at the state fair and it sliced
open some kid’s throat and he fell limply to the ground gushing blood,
opening and closing his mouth like a suffocating fish. Boy would your
face be red.

Voice Activated Gun Things

Yes this is exactly what it sounds like. See, the people in the distant
future thought guns would be easier to use if you had to attach a goofy
dog collar to your neck and yell a bunch of gibberish into a microphone
to make guns fire. It’s much easier than taking a split second to squeeze a trigger. How come we don’t create guns like this!? Oh, that’s right, because it’s really, really stupid and utterly absurd. That’s probably it.

There’s also the issue of safety. It’s hard enough for me to adjust the
mic sensitivity on a computer, I’m not sure I would trust myself to do
it correctly on a deadly firearm. Just imagine the gruesome accidents
that would occur because of ambient noise if you had the gun calibrated
improperly. If you’re cleaning the thing and the doorbell rings, your
brains are probably gonna get spattered all over the wall. What a bunch
of garbage.

Idiot.

Sandworm Gill Prying Shovel

This is by far the dullest invention in Dune:
A spiny bent shovel. And what overly-specific and pointless task is it
used for you ask? Why climbing onto the back of a giant sandworm so you
can ride it of course! The fuzzy main character guy jams it into a the
thing’s
sandgills, hangs off of a while for kicks, and then throws a rope over
its back so he can climb up and ride it to the enemy base for no
apparent reason while firing a six shooter in the air and shouting
wee-hooo! At least, that’s what I dreamt when I fell asleep during this
stupid scene.

Just like in the rest of this movie, none of it makes any
sense.
Why doesn’t the worm just dive under the sand? What good is it bringing
it to the enemy base? All it does is sit there. Nobody is afraid of it.
The enemy doesn’t even seem to notice, and who can blame them, they
probably see these worms all the time, they live in the damn desert!
And what is with all
work they put into getting on top of the thing?! You have flying ships;
just have someone fly you up there and jump out if you really want to
get there so bad! Or even better, just fly the ship to the base.
AAAAAGGGGGH!

Floating Assassin Needle

Unnecessary? Check. Inefficient? Yeap. Overcomplicated? No doubt. Uh huh, sounds like this invention perfectly exemplifies Dune‘s
technology. Technically this needle is supposed to float into someone’s room, use its sensors
to detect them, and then fly over and inject them with its mysterious
poison. And wouldn’t you know it? Just like every invention in this film, it doesn’t really seem to work as
advertised.

For one, the damn thing floats around buzzing like a dremel
tool, so it isn’t going to be taking anyone by surprise unless they’re
deaf, old, or asleep. I guess they also used some cheap parts for the
sensors as well, because they don’t actually seem to be able to sense
anything. In the movie, it enters a reasonably well-lit room and can’t
even spot the doughy hockey-haired protagonist standing directly under
a light bulb. Then some cleaning woman blunders in and the thing lunges
straight towards the door as it opens. So if I’ve got it straight, all
this supremely advanced piece
of technology from the future really does is fly towards anything
that moves, which means it would also attack:

Pets
Television Sets
Insects
Curtains Blowing in the Breeze
Clocks
Flickering Lights
Spider Webs Near an Air Vent
Other People in the Room

Shame on you Dune.

P.S. If any of the information in
this article seems inaccurate to you, it probably is because frankly
this entire movie was like one long fever dream to me and I can’t
remember most of it.