Oh Great, I Graduated. Now What the F### am I Supposed to Do?

The path to high school graduation is fraught with dangers. The
simple days of “an apple a day”, “join choir to get out of real
classes” and “taunt the fat kid until he goes insane” are long
gone.

Battles with bands of wild brigands, an attack from a giant squid, and the death of their loving
ape companion are only a few of the
problems students must to deal with in today’s modern society. I’ve
compiled the most common questions about high school graduation in this
page. You’ll read it if you know what’s good for you.

1. Bring medications in their original containers with you on the day of graduation You will also want to bring x-rays, medical files or lab reports that may be in your possession with you on the day of the .graduation
2. Avoiding blood-thinning medications such as aspirin for one week before graduation
3. Meet with your human resource representative to review your
   company’s policy regarding medical leave and to verify your health
   coverage and short- or long-term disability insurance when you because you’re going to graduate afterwards.

4. Understand and review your health insurance coverage. Are you required to get a second opinion before graduation will be paid for? What are the deductibles? Do you need any additional teacher referrals or pre-certifications?
5. Make sure there are no safety hazards in your home (such as loose
   wires on the floor, slippery floors or tub surfaces) that could cause
   you to fall

• If you feel the line is moving too slowly you should roughly push
  the person in front of you while repeatedly saying “Come on. Go. Come
  on.” There is a good chance they will fall down some stairs, split open their skull, and die in a
  spreading pool of their own blood and urine, but at least you won’t have to wait
  for some slowpoke.

• The best way to distinguish yourself from your classmates is by
  walking tall and proud; NOT by stumbling around in a drunken stupor
  with a parking cone on your head and screaming something incoherent
  about how Harry & The Hendersons should never have been canceled.

• Throwing candy into the audience is not only discouraged; it is prohibited.
• It is absurd to believe that mind-altering drugs will make the
  entrance procession more exciting. Wait until you’re seated to eat
  those mushrooms.

• Here’s a short review of Ghost Dad: I have never seen this film before. 3/6 Stars.

Bill Cosby & His Daughter in Ghost Dad

Speech 1 – The Gentle Past

Ah yes, I remember my grade school years at INSERT SCHOOL NAME HERE as if they were yesterday. We have grown so very MUCH/LITTLE in these past years. I love living and life. It’s hard to believe we’ve all come so far.

 I also remember when I saw a young INSERT CLASSMATE NAME HERE crying under the monkey bars and I went over to comfort him/her. Yes, that certainly was a special event.

Speech 2 – Oh Father

I was 10 years old and father had just ostensibly just returned from the INSERT NAME OF WAR HERE war.
I remember crying, and he set me down on his knee and said:
“SON/DAUGHTER, I respect and enjoy your company. I sure do hope that
I’ll be sober when you graduate and not dead in a gutter somewhere from
binging on INSERT FATHERS FAVORITE DRINK HERE.”

Then I remember then my mother came home from work and said “oh
my god who are you, put
down my child before I call the police.” I never saw you again. I hate
you father, and now that I’ve graduated I’ll have my revenge (if I can
find you).

Speech 3:

Oh great and terrible Cthulhu, I beg of thee: grant me thine unholy
strength so I might strike fear into the hearts of those who would
oppose thee.
Wicked forest-dwelling imps:

Shapeless mounds of
chromatic goo:

Chittering web-footed men of the murky sea:

 I COMMAND THEE IN THE NAME OF THE GREAT COSMIC TERROR! RIIIIIISEEEEEE! (Spined
black tentacles should cut through your skin at this point and thrash
about while you belch out toxic blackness. Just try to go with it).