M. Anger answers your questions about anything and everything. In
today’s column: Dead pets, angry mothers, drunks, and debt.
M. Anger answers your questions about anything and everything. In
today’s column: Dead pets, angry mothers, drunks, and debt.
Dead Dog
Concerned Mother asks:
Please help! Last evening our dog
Bobo was hit and killed by a car. Our 8-year-old daughter Midge had
been in the back yard playing with the dog and it didn’t come when she
called her, so our daughter left her in the yard. Later the dog climbed
the fence and ran into the street.
We don’t know what to tell our
daughter! Should we tell her the truth? I don’t want her to feel that
it was her fault and keep thinking of how her dog was killed. Should we
tell Julie her dog ran away? She will want to look for Cocoa and put up
flyers to find her.
What is the best way to handle this?
M. Anger:
This is a lot easier than you’re making it out to be. You have two options available to you, both of which are pretty simple:
- The Truth
Your daughter is very young, and so still has a lot to learn about
life. This situation is a great opportunity to introduce your daughter
for one of the most important aspects of life: reality.
“Oh my little Midge, you were careless and now you see the consequences
of your actions. Your best friend is dead and there’s nothing you can
do to bring him back. Imagine your little Bobo careening through an endless void of
nothingness and despair, his little legs scrabbling fruitlessly in
black space. If only you would have cared enough to bring him in the
house, this could have all been avoided. Look over there, at Bobo’s
fluffy bed by the fireplace. See how the fabric is molded to the shape
of his little body? Remember the cold and windy nights he would nestle
there, cuddled in the folds of his favorite blanket? Well never again. And it’s all because of you.”
- Fantastic Lies
Small children are gullible, and will believe nearly anything their
parents tell them! You must use this to your advantage. You might say
that you were looking out the window and a friendly sasquatch burst
through the foliage and carried Bobo happily away for a sasquatch
holiday on his back.
Alternatively, you could say that Bobo had recently come up to you begging your
permission to leave home to pursue a career in television, and that you
granted his wish. Then, if you and your daughter are watching
television and a dog looking a lot like Bobo appears you can say “Look
honey, it’s Bobo, he made it after all, and he’s famous!” She will say,
“Really mommy, really?!” and you can just nod while stroking her hair
and say “Yes my dearest, the world really is a beautiful place isn’t
it?” as your husband heaps the last pile of dirt on Bobo’s grave in the
garden outside.
Alcoholism
Troubled Drunkard asks:
Man, it’s not even halfway through
the month and my paycheck is already gone. Friday night is approaching
and I wanna get all loaded up but I don’t have the dough. How can a
smart guy get boozed on the cheap?
M. Anger:
Well I don’t know about a smart guy, but I’ve got a solution that YOU
might try. Since you’re obviously low on cash, try explaining your
situation to your boss:
“Sir, I’m a desperately lonely blue
collar worker of below-average intelligence whose entire life is really
nothing more than a drink from a deep well of depression and despair. I could try
figuring out what’s wrong with me but that seems like a whole lot of
work, so I’d rather just numb the pain with sweet, sweet booze. Might I
work a bit of overtime so that I might stave off suicide for just one
more week? All I have to look forward to is that numb alcoholic haze…
You’ve got to help me… (gentle weeping)”
I hope this puts you on the right track, and thanks very much for writing in!
Boyfriend?
Natural Woman asks:
I have a boyfriend that I really love
very much. I’m honest with him and I always trusted him… But after a
four month relationship, I have just discovered that he has another
girl. Also, this girl was already his girlfriend before me. He says he
knew the girl only through the cellphone, and that they haven’t met
yet.
Please help me, I don’t know what to
do, as I really love him and want to spend the rest of my life with
him. He apologized and said that he will forget the other girl for me,
but they are still communicating. Please help me ASAP… Thank you…
Your advice will be a great help for me!
M. Anger:
First of all, I just wanted to congratulate you on your great catch, I
can really see why you like this guy! But don’t worry so much, you’re
getting worked up over nothing. A man having two girlfriends is not at
all unusual (in fact, most men are known to have 3 or 4 at a time). All
this means is that your man has a lot of love to give! You just have to
figure out a way to harness his love and keep it all to yourself, so
that you might drown out the niggling voices of your own insecurities
with his affection.
The best way to go about doing this is to find out the address of the
other girl and pay her a visit. If she lives in an apartment, go up and
mash your repeatedly on random buttons on the intercom and shouting something like, “Whore! You have a WHORE living
here! Cheryl in apartment 214 is a cheap WHOOOOORE!” If she wears a
mink coat, you could also try throwing paint on it as she leaves a
department store and screaming “murderer!” That would be great.
Teen Idols
Scared Parent asks:
What do I do with my teenager?
M. Anger:
How should I know? Play indoor volleyball at the YMCA? Enter a slot car
derby? Rig them up to a series of ropes and pulleys in order that you
might make their limbs move in a realistic fashion before rigormortis
sets in? I do not know what your goals for them are. Thanks for wasting
everyone’s time.
Bad Mother
Embattled Widow asks:
My daughter’s swim meet was yesterday, and all of the parents were on
their best behavior, except one mother. She was rude to almost
everyone. She threw the stop watch at my husband when it was his turn
to time. She also had on Levis that were TOO low for her. Her big butt
was hanging out all day. I heard a lot of the other swimmers saying how
gross she was. What is the best way to handle parents like these?
M. Anger:
It isn’t up to you to judge how attractive a fat woman’s rear-end is. A
lot of the fathers and older children around were probably getting
themselves a cheap thrill by looking at her, and who are you to deny
them this? You strike me as a selfish and jealous woman; I suggest that
you look inward before you judge someone else. For example, have you
ever:
- Thrown a toy at a child in anger?
- Carried illegal drugs across state lines just for fun?
- Feigned a work-related injury?
- Cheated on your spouse in order to get back at them for some perceived offense?
- Mainlined black tar heroin?
- Dented a parked car with your door and left a fake note because someone was watching you?
If not, you really should try these things, they can be a lot of fun.
Wasteful Wife
Sexy Chocolate asks:
I’m a debt-free person, but my wife’s
a compulsive shopper. A year after I married her, I discovered she was
in debt to banks and credit card companies for over $100,000. Now she’s
asked me to co-sign a loan to expand her child-care business. How can I
get her to see she’s putting us at great financial risk?
M. Anger:
Putting you at great financial risk?! Enabling you to succeed is more
like it. Your perception of things must be skewed. Your wife is an
investor, a go-getter, a venture capitalist, and what are you? A scared
little boy. The child care industry is a lucrative new field, and you
are lucky to be with a woman who realizes this and is driven to
succeed.
As for her debts, what’s a little more debt between friends? $100,000,
$300,000, $1,000,000, it doesn’t matter. You’re sure not going to be
able to pay it back in your lifetime, so why not live it up in the fast
lane? Why not live your life as Vin Diesel does, ‘a quarter mile at a
time’? If her childcare business goes belly-up, what’s the worst that
could happen? Will the bank going take your house and car and garnish
your wages? Definitely. But the one thing they can never take is your
dignity. So hey, keep your head held high and a spring in your step,
even as you sink further and further into the swamp of unimaginable
debt. Good luck.
If either of the people who reads this website has a question of their own, just write in using the contact form at the bottom of this page and it will be answered in a timely fashion.
