Kids these days don’t have enough to do. They play hooky from school
during the day and cause a ruckus as they drag race their hotrods down
main street at night. What can be done to combat this teenage menace?
Let me tell you: Make street gangs legal.
What’s that you say? Gangs
aren’t illegal? Ha! Shows what you know buddy, I’m pretty sure that
they are. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way; here’s an
easy-to-follow Q&A explaining why gangs are healthy for children.
Kids these days don’t have enough to do. They play hooky from school
during the day and cause a ruckus as they drag race their hotrods down
main street at night. What can be done to combat this teenage menace?
Let me tell you: Make street gangs legal.
What’s that you say? Gangs
aren’t illegal? Ha! Shows what you know buddy, I’m pretty sure that
they are. Honestly, it doesn’t matter either way; here’s an
easy-to-follow Q&A explaining why gangs are healthy for children.
Q.
Why do kids need gangs?A. Children need to belong to
something. If you ask a kid today what his biggest dream is, he will
probably say he wants to smoke a cigarette, and more power to him. But
if you ask him his second biggest, he is likely to say that he wants to
belong to a gang. Many doctors agree that the best way to raise a child
is to give him exactly what he asks for all the time. This is where the
phrase “It takes a village” comes from. You are going to need a lot of
help getting all that stuff for the kid by yourself, so make the
village help.
Q. Why not have the children start their own band instead?
A. Actually, being in a street
gang is almost exactly like being in a band! But instead of playing
great music, the kids throw rocks through local storefront windows and
deface statues.
Q. A cat is making loud noises on a fence outside my apartment!
A. What is this, the 1920s? A street gang can’t help you with that old cat. Just throw a boot at it or something.
Q. How would all these street gangs benefit me?
A. For one thing, gangs could
give consumers retribution for bad products they bought from stores within the gang’s territory. Normally, if you
bought something like a fancy pen set and it didn’t work, you would be
stuck with it. If my gang plan was put into action, all you would need to do
is tell a street gang what happened. Then they would go and rough up
the store owner a little. You know, give him a hard time, break some of
his merchandise, stuff like that. You wouldn’t get your money back, but
it would feel pretty good knowing that you got revenge.
Q. Would the gangs be around at county fairs? I don’t want any gangs ruining the fair.
A. If they want to go to the
fair, there isn’t much I can do to stop them (they are gangs after all). But they might not want
to go, because around the same time they could hold their own yearly “Street
Gang Fun Fest.” This would be where all the gangs in one city would
take a break for the day and come to a big park to participate in some
games and sports. Here are some examples of games they could have:
- Sharks! Each gang member tries to see if he can get a loan shark
to cough up some dough that he owes. Use any method of torture you choose, as long as
you don’t kill him. Try to see if your gang can get the high score! - Brumball. Members shoot at each other in a
corn maze. The last kid standing gets 5 tickets to use at the prize
counter. - Potato Sack Race. Instead of potato sacks they would use bats,
and instead of racing they could bust up pieces of equipment in the
park. - Racial Relay. Gangs
come from all walks of life, so a gang get-together would be a great
place to prove (or disprove) some racial stereotypes. Contests could be
held in categories like: Mugging, Eating Fried Chicken, Doing Your
Taxes, Solving Math Problems, Dancing, Penis Length, and Long-Distance
Brick Heaving. This might be a good way to end the race wars once and
for all. Although it’d probably just make them worse.
Q. Could the gangs also do community service?
A. You can try to get them to
do that, but I don’t know if it would work. For example, if they were
supposed to help some old woman carry her groceries back from the
store, I don’t think they could do it. Instead, their
instinct would be to run away with the bags and throw some eggs at her
while calling out curses. And can you really blame them? If she’s so
old, why doesn’t she just buy one of those motorized carts for herself?
Q. Could my pet be in the gang too?
A. If it is a tough pet, it can
come. Birds, snakes, mice, and fish are not to be allowed into
gangs. Cats and dogs, horses, pigs, and ferrets are allowed. Also, if there
are any half-man half-beasts around, they should make their own
separate gang. They could call themselves Beasts Ahoy if they felt like
it.
Q. Will the gangs be anything like in the film Gangs of New York?
A. They will be like that
except with smaller gangs, and kids can’t grow a handlebar
mustache no matter how hard they try. It could also be difficult to
find one of those giant stovepipe hats these days.
Q. Haha, remember that soup
nazi episode of Seinfeld where Kramer gets that armoire stolen and he
says it was taken by some “street toughs”?
A. Yeah! That Kramer always cracks me up.
Q. Will the gangs do the same things that modern gangs do?
A. Oh no. They aren’t like
those new gangs in LA or anything. They don’t wear certain colors or
walk funny. Heh heh maybe there could be one gang where all the members walk with a limp though, that
would be pretty funny! Well, except if a guy who really has a limp
walks by. Then everyone in that gang would feel pretty ashamed.
Well, that’s all I have about legalizing street gangs for now, if you
have any more questions you can contact the site down at the bottom of
the page. Just send a message with the subject “street gangs” and I
will post your question here because I have nothing better to do.