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Words & Phrases I Do Not Particularly Care For (Part 3): Babes, Google It, Rig

The
third article in a series of articles describing a bunch of crappy
words that I wish people didn’t use. This section covers: Babes, Google
It, and Rig.

Contents:
Part 3 – Babes / Google It
Part 2 – Owned / Fag / 110%
Part 1 – Pimp / Blogosphere

Part 3

No Talking
Babes

“Hottest Babes of All Time”

Gentleman’s Translation

Women?

Who Says It?

  • Apparently Just Journalists
  • OK Maybe Beetlejuice Too

Why Not Say It?

The only way I could allow you to use the word “Babes” would be if these criteria were met:

  1. You were to travel back in a time machine to the year 1982
  2. You must take a role as an extra in surfing film entitled Surf’s Up
  3. Your character’s name in the credits must be cited as either: Beach Bum #2, J.T., or Boner
  4. You must be sporting a shaggy haircut in which bleached blonde hair drapes over your eyes
  5. You must be wearing a pair of gigantic pink and electric green swimming trunks
  6. One of the lines in the script of said film must call for the
    character you are playing to point to a group of women, brush the hair
    out of your eyes, and shout excitedly: “Babes!”

No Talking

Then, AND ONLY THEN, would I allow the word “Babes” to be
used in a non-sarcastic fashion; as then it could be understood, if not
condoned. But the number of modern, high-traffic, professional websites
I’ve seen using this term have puzzled me. It has left me with a
number of important questions (yes, I like numbered lists):

  1. Who are these people who are creating headlines and features with
    titles like “The Babes of E3”, “Babes of
    Anime”, or even “Booth Babes”?

  2. Are they so utterly removed from the activities of other
    “regular” human beings that they don’t realize that
    nobody has used the term “Babes” for 20 years, and that
    even then it was a word that only obscenely huge freaks used?

  3. Is it thought that more men will click on a story involving
    scantily-clad women if the word “Babes” is used in the
    title? I can tell you from personal life experience (and common sense)
    that all you have to do is use ANY word describing women in any way.
    Better yet, just show a picture of a woman’s ass.

  4. Do they actually use the word in their everyday lives? For
    example, while the editors of IGN go out for a night on the town do any
    of them ever (upon spotting a group of particularly attractive
    women) elbow the person next to them, raise their eyebrows, and
    remark “Check out those bodacious babes!”

  5. Why are they are ignoring the years of man baiting using the
    time-tested “Girls” or the newer “Teens” that
    more experienced sex-selling companies have been using
    since the beginning of time? Examples: All Nude Girls, Girls Gone Wild,
    Hot Teens, XXX, Teen, Sex, Badger, Donkey, Hee-Haw, Fatchick, Dead, Infant,
    Midget, XXXX
Obviously sites like IGN are going to go all high and mighty and
pretend to be above such lowly methods, but I would posit that they are
simply worse at peddling their brand of upskirt video game convention
pornography than most porn sites.

Yeeck. No More!

Google It
Gun
“Just google it, idiot.”

Gentleman’s Translation

  • Look it up

Who says it?

  • Internet People

  • Lazy Message Board Jackasses

  • Google Executives


Why not use it?

Last
time I checked, google is the world’s most popular
search engine, which means that EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT IT.
Here’s a tip then: You don’t need to specify which search engine a
person is to use when you ask that they look something up. Talk
about unnecessary. What do you think is going to happen: “Oh, that guy
just refused to help me and told me to go look up some information, I
think I’ll check out ASK JEEVES.” I don’t think so.

I’m not
sure what is worse, someone not looking up certain information
themselves on a search engine, or some fat piece of crap with his
chubby hand down his sweatpants yelling at him for not looking the
information up himself. At the very least, the first guy is probably
just lazy, while the second is more than likely a seminude pile of
sentient goo slathered into a faded office chair.

Fat

Anyway, unless you feel like going out of
your way to be
some unpaid corporate mouthpiece whore for google, you should just say
“look it up” or “search for it” and let them
figure out which search engine they want to use on their own. Where will it end? Soon you’ll hear someone saying something like:


“I Gmailed you last night after we Googlechatted because I
Googlecalendared the dates you talked to me about. Friday is a good day
for us to meet and Piasca over those photographs I took when I was in
Cancun (where I couldn’t access my favorite search engine ever Google (located conveniently at www.google.com!) in May.”

It’s ridiculous and all because google has a good public image.
Would you say “go and Microsoft some information on cat
breeding” or “I just Clearchanneled for a list of top 10
lawyer jokes”? If you would, you’d better be in the
marketing department at either of those companies, and if you
wouldn’t, stop being a hypocrite and please stop saying “google
it” because you are going to make me cry rage tears.


This message brought to you by Google (seriously, it’s true): A corporation which makes cool
stuff but is apparently not large enough to be universally hated like Microsoft just yet. Nor should you hate it, just please stop using it as a verb.

Case

Rig


“Yeah I just upgraded my rig last month.”

Gentleman’s Translation:
Computer.

Who Says It?

  • PC Tech Magazine Editors
  • Prety Much Everybody Who Builds Computers

Why Not Use It?
There
are so many reasons why you should not be using this word, and frankly
I’m surprised that I even need to be typing this. Usually the general
public has at least a decent
sense of when a word is cheesy, overused, or pointless, but this word
seems to have gotten through the unacceptable pop culture filter for
some reason.

Nobody is fooling anybody by calling their
computer a rig. It does not make you any less of a loser for having
built your own computer, it does not make you any less pathetic for
having put windows and lights in your case, and it certainly won’t
make women gag any less when they get close to you. By using this word
you are saying one of three things:

  1. I enjoy mindlessly emulating those around me for no particular reason
  2. I have no sense of self-consciousness
  3. I
    don’t care what people think about me (read: I am inordinately insecure
    and sad and attempt to cover this fact up by pretending to be above
    everyone else oh please will someone like me)

I’m not
exactly sure what sort of image pc users are attempting to project when
they call a computer a rig anyway. The only other time I’ve heard this
word used in a similar manner is by burly over-the-road truckers
describing their tractors, and to describe oil rigs. Let’s see:
Powerful working-class hauling machines, heavy machinery used in
refining oil. Yeah, those sure do fit right in with your little 600
dollar custom pc that you stenciled purple flames onto. Jesus. And
also, truckers don’t call their tractors “rigs” any more, even they
realize how cheesy and ridiculous a person sounds when saying it. Not
to mention that a trucker’s big rig is actually something useful. To
apply this name to something that boils down to nothing more than a
really expensive toy makes it all the more hilarious.

So please, I am begging you, all of you (and you know who you are):

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET BABY MOSES IN THE REEDS STOP CALLING YOUR COMPUTER A “RIG

Back to Part 2

The
third article in a series of articles describing a bunch of crappy
words that I wish people didn’t use. This section covers: Babes, Google
It, and Rig.

Contents:
Part 3 – Babes / Google It
Part 2 – Owned / Fag / 110%
Part 1 – Pimp / Blogosphere

Part 3

No Talking
Babes

“Hottest Babes of All Time”

Gentleman’s Translation

Women?

Who Says It?

  • Apparently Just Journalists
  • OK Maybe Beetlejuice Too

Why Not Say It?

The only way I could allow you to use the word “Babes” would be if these criteria were met:

  1. You were to travel back in a time machine to the year 1982
  2. You must take a role as an extra in surfing film entitled Surf’s Up
  3. Your character’s name in the credits must be cited as either: Beach Bum #2, J.T., or Boner
  4. You must be sporting a shaggy haircut in which bleached blonde hair drapes over your eyes
  5. You must be wearing a pair of gigantic pink and electric green swimming trunks
  6. One of the lines in the script of said film must call for the
    character you are playing to point to a group of women, brush the hair
    out of your eyes, and shout excitedly: “Babes!”

No Talking

Then, AND ONLY THEN, would I allow the word “Babes” to be
used in a non-sarcastic fashion; as then it could be understood, if not
condoned. But the number of modern, high-traffic, professional websites
I’ve seen using this term have puzzled me. It has left me with a
number of important questions (yes, I like numbered lists):

  1. Who are these people who are creating headlines and features with
    titles like “The Babes of E3”, “Babes of
    Anime”, or even “Booth Babes”?

  2. Are they so utterly removed from the activities of other
    “regular” human beings that they don’t realize that
    nobody has used the term “Babes” for 20 years, and that
    even then it was a word that only obscenely huge freaks used?

  3. Is it thought that more men will click on a story involving
    scantily-clad women if the word “Babes” is used in the
    title? I can tell you from personal life experience (and common sense)
    that all you have to do is use ANY word describing women in any way.
    Better yet, just show a picture of a woman’s ass.

  4. Do they actually use the word in their everyday lives? For
    example, while the editors of IGN go out for a night on the town do any
    of them ever (upon spotting a group of particularly attractive
    women) elbow the person next to them, raise their eyebrows, and
    remark “Check out those bodacious babes!”

  5. Why are they are ignoring the years of man baiting using the
    time-tested “Girls” or the newer “Teens” that
    more experienced sex-selling companies have been using
    since the beginning of time? Examples: All Nude Girls, Girls Gone Wild,
    Hot Teens, XXX, Teen, Sex, Badger, Donkey, Hee-Haw, Fatchick, Dead, Infant,
    Midget, XXXX
Obviously sites like IGN are going to go all high and mighty and
pretend to be above such lowly methods, but I would posit that they are
simply worse at peddling their brand of upskirt video game convention
pornography than most porn sites.

Yeeck. No More!

Google It
Gun
“Just google it, idiot.”

Gentleman’s Translation

  • Look it up

Who says it?

  • Internet People

  • Lazy Message Board Jackasses

  • Google Executives


Why not use it?

Last
time I checked, google is the world’s most popular
search engine, which means that EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT IT.
Here’s a tip then: You don’t need to specify which search engine a
person is to use when you ask that they look something up. Talk
about unnecessary. What do you think is going to happen: “Oh, that guy
just refused to help me and told me to go look up some information, I
think I’ll check out ASK JEEVES.” I don’t think so.

I’m not
sure what is worse, someone not looking up certain information
themselves on a search engine, or some fat piece of crap with his
chubby hand down his sweatpants yelling at him for not looking the
information up himself. At the very least, the first guy is probably
just lazy, while the second is more than likely a seminude pile of
sentient goo slathered into a faded office chair.

Fat

Anyway, unless you feel like going out of
your way to be
some unpaid corporate mouthpiece whore for google, you should just say
“look it up” or “search for it” and let them
figure out which search engine they want to use on their own. Where will it end? Soon you’ll hear someone saying something like:


“I Gmailed you last night after we Googlechatted because I
Googlecalendared the dates you talked to me about. Friday is a good day
for us to meet and Piasca over those photographs I took when I was in
Cancun (where I couldn’t access my favorite search engine ever Google (located conveniently at www.google.com!) in May.”

It’s ridiculous and all because google has a good public image.
Would you say “go and Microsoft some information on cat
breeding” or “I just Clearchanneled for a list of top 10
lawyer jokes”? If you would, you’d better be in the
marketing department at either of those companies, and if you
wouldn’t, stop being a hypocrite and please stop saying “google
it” because you are going to make me cry rage tears.


This message brought to you by Google (seriously, it’s true): A corporation which makes cool
stuff but is apparently not large enough to be universally hated like Microsoft just yet. Nor should you hate it, just please stop using it as a verb.

Case

Rig


“Yeah I just upgraded my rig last month.”

Gentleman’s Translation:
Computer.

Who Says It?

  • PC Tech Magazine Editors
  • Prety Much Everybody Who Builds Computers

Why Not Use It?
There
are so many reasons why you should not be using this word, and frankly
I’m surprised that I even need to be typing this. Usually the general
public has at least a decent
sense of when a word is cheesy, overused, or pointless, but this word
seems to have gotten through the unacceptable pop culture filter for
some reason.

Nobody is fooling anybody by calling their
computer a rig. It does not make you any less of a loser for having
built your own computer, it does not make you any less pathetic for
having put windows and lights in your case, and it certainly won’t
make women gag any less when they get close to you. By using this word
you are saying one of three things:

  1. I enjoy mindlessly emulating those around me for no particular reason
  2. I have no sense of self-consciousness
  3. I
    don’t care what people think about me (read: I am inordinately insecure
    and sad and attempt to cover this fact up by pretending to be above
    everyone else oh please will someone like me)

I’m not
exactly sure what sort of image pc users are attempting to project when
they call a computer a rig anyway. The only other time I’ve heard this
word used in a similar manner is by burly over-the-road truckers
describing their tractors, and to describe oil rigs. Let’s see:
Powerful working-class hauling machines, heavy machinery used in
refining oil. Yeah, those sure do fit right in with your little 600
dollar custom pc that you stenciled purple flames onto. Jesus. And
also, truckers don’t call their tractors “rigs” any more, even they
realize how cheesy and ridiculous a person sounds when saying it. Not
to mention that a trucker’s big rig is actually something useful. To
apply this name to something that boils down to nothing more than a
really expensive toy makes it all the more hilarious.

So please, I am begging you, all of you (and you know who you are):

PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET BABY MOSES IN THE REEDS STOP CALLING YOUR COMPUTER A “RIG

Back to Part 2

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