By M. Anger
I have been married approximately 0 times in my short life, so I pretty
much know all there is to know about weddings. I am a giving person by
nature, so I felt it would only be right to share my vast knowledge of
marriage with the common man (you). The idea I came up with was a
wedding Q&A, because I figure that the best way to assist as many
people as possible with wedding-related questions is to post a wedding
question and answer session on a website that nobody reads.
By M. Anger
I have been married approximately 0 times in my short life, so I pretty
much know all there is to know about weddings. I am a giving person by
nature, so I felt it would only be right to share my vast knowledge of
marriage with the common man (you). The idea I came up with was a
wedding Q&A, because I figure that the best way to assist as many
people as possible with wedding-related questions is to post a wedding
question and answer session on a website that nobody reads.
Being a wedding expert is not all fame and glory; I also have to answer
a lot of stupid questions. Here is a list of questions I refuse to
answer:
- What is a wedding?
- What should I do to plan my own wedding?
- What does a ring do?
- What should I wear if invited to a wedding?
- What Would Jesus Do (at a wedding)?
- Will there be music?
- Will there be women?
- Will there be Jugglers?!
Shame on you if thought of asking me any of these questions, especially
the question about Jesus. That one was pretty offensive. I apologize
everyone. Now, let’s get on with the show:
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| Check please. |
Q: Which is better, a photographer or a videographer for a wedding?
A: Sorry, I don’t know what a videographer is
Q: I am planning an anniversary party for 60 guests. How much liquor should I buy?
A: That isn’t a question about weddings, dummy.
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| Let us out! |
Q: Could you recommend an unusual honeymoon?
A: Walk to Scotland across the
bottom of the ocean floor in classic 19th century diving suits. When
you arrive in town, live under a large man’s kilt for a fortnight. If
you get hungry, try sucking on some gravel.
Q: I am the bride. Do my parents have to pay for the whole wedding?
A: Yes. You are most likely the
one who wanted to spend (read: needlessly throw away) thousands of
dollars on a wedding. Your family should be the ones to pay for it
because they raised you to be wasteful.
Q: My family is Jewish but not
very religious. Many of my wedding guests eat only kosher food. How do
I plan a menu that suits everyone?
A: The old saying goes that you
can’t please everyone all the time. This saying, like most, is
completely worthless. My advice is: Bring some fruit roll-ups for all
those Jews. Those are probably kosher.
Q: What kinds of foods do kids prefer at weddings?
A: Head cheese sherbet, baked goat’s testicles, and vinegar popsicles of course! But seriously, don’t be a fool: Pizza.
Q: What is Quincinera?
A: …the hell? How should I know that!?
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| I’m not sure what’s going on in this picture, but I love it! |
Q: What does a ring do?
A: Hey! Are you blind or something!? I said at the beginning that I’m not gonna answer that question. Now beat it!
Q: How to do you make sure that your guests will come to your wedding appropriately attired (especially kids)?
A: You could put a bouncer at
the door that turns away those who arrive at your wedding clothed in
rags. Alternatively, you could try not being a total ass and let people
wear what they feel is appropriate.
Q: How much liquor should I buy?
A: The old rule of thumb is
19.8 quarts for each adult and 3 for each child ages 3-12. Younger
children can share with their parents.
Q: Is a local church an acceptable place to hold the ceremony (even if I don’t attend services there)?
A: Try a community center or
hotel convention hall instead. Church weddings not a good idea because
many churches are haunted. I would also recommend against having your
wedding outdoors because of bears (though if you must have an
out-of-doors wedding, be sure to hang the bride from a large, firm tree
branch before you turn in for the night).
Q: Who should I hire to do the catering at my wedding?
A: Whatever you do, don’t hire your Crazy Uncle Eddie. Remember what happened last time?
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| H’jai Khas’t Yigth’kai!
(Death is a release from the impressions |
Q: Should I hire a marquee for my wedding?
A: Sorry, I’m not sure what
that is. Is a marquee like a big sign you put outside to tell people
about the wedding? If so, who do you think you are, Sinatra? Nobody is
going to come to your wedding just because you put up some piece of
crap marquee.
Q: How far in advance should I order my wedding cake?
A: Go in to a cake shop a few hours before the wedding. If the baker can’t make it that fast, he should be ashamed of himself.
Q: How should I handle speeches?
A: Oh maaaan, don’t have speeches at your wedding! But if you insist, here is the order in which you should allow people to speak:
- The Groom
- The Bride’s Father
- The Bride’s Great Granddaughter
- The Uncle who Didn’t Grope The Bride
- Death Himself
- The Bride’s Husband
- The Father of the Bride
- The Bride of Frankenstein
- Hey! Are These Drinks Free? (Some drunk off the street who crashed the wedding)
Khaos_Greenbean asks:
Q: How do I make my bride say yes on that special day?
A: A guy I know told me about
something called slipping a mickey into her drink. According to him, if
you give a woman a mickey she will really start to like you. I would do
some more research on this, except that I don’t want to.
That should be it for now. If you have any more questions about
weddings send it though the contact form at the bottom of the page
(subject wedding Q&A), and I will add your question to my list and
answer it and you shall become famous.