Jones
When I heard you were planning to commit suicide
by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, I got sort of annoyed. See, I
read somewhere that so far 1,300 people have already killed themselves
this way. Would it kill you to try something original for once in your
life? I mean, so it’s a popular place to commit suicide, big deal. If
everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Heh, heh, just a little
joke there. Of course you
would. Seriously though, do you really want to follow all the other
lemmings straight off into the abyss of played-out suicide methods. In
any event, I wondered about the mindset and personality of you jumpers,
so I did some research and came up with this chart:
Jones
When I heard you were planning to commit suicide
by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, I got sort of annoyed. See, I
read somewhere that so far 1,300 people have already killed themselves
this way. Would it kill you to try something original for once in your
life? I mean, so it’s a popular place to commit suicide, big deal. If
everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you? Heh, heh, just a little
joke there. Of course you
would. Seriously though, do you really want to follow all the other
lemmings straight off into the abyss of played-out suicide methods. In
any event, I wondered about the mindset and personality of you jumpers,
so I did some research and came up with this chart:
 |
Some
sick freak has charted the location where each suicide
jumped off, and which side they chose. Okay, maybe calling the creator
a sick freak is a bit harsh, but it is a weird little
project. Anyway I’m only here to help you; to talk you through all
this. Nobody’s here to judge anyone. As far as I know suicide isn’t a
crime. I think attempted suicide
is in some states though, so let that be a lesson to you kids, and
remember the words of Ben Franklin, our third president: “He that lieth
down with dogs shall rise up with fleas.”
 |
| Benjamin Franklin |
Anyway, me and a number of high-profile
statisticians and psychologists have analyzed this bridge suicide
chart, and came up with some observations.
The
Center Jumpers
(Pole
69 & 71)
I saw
that a substantial portion
of you jumpers had chosen to jump from the center point between the two
bridge towers. Why is this? Is there some secret jumper’s code that I
am unaware of? How exactly were you people able to find the center? Did
you count poles beforehand? Eyeball it?
Perhaps
you jimmied the window to
city hall with a pocketknife late one night and crept inside… Maybe as
you stole down the dank and echoing marble chambers, you came upon the
lone security guard as he lay with his head down on his oaken desk,
snoozing ever so softly. “Sleep tight sweet prince,” you cooed
soothingly and stroked his thinning hair as you delicately unhooked the
jangling keychain from his belt. “Don’t let the bedbugs bite…” And then
off you went down the basement steps, taking them two at a time and
clucking your tongue softly to the rats in the walls.
entering the map room, you
paused for a moment to allow your eyes to adjust to the dim light, your
nostrils filling with the sweet scents given off by elder texts. In the
center of the room, a glass case lies enshrouded in a beam of dusty
sunlight. The plans. Your fingers twitched eagerly as you reached for
the latch. They were finally yours—
Wait. I
was supposed to be talking about the bridge. On we go.
It is
important to note that,
that poles 69 and 71 are not actually at the center of the bridge, they
are merely at the center of the towers. The bridge’s center would
actually be somewhere around pole 77. Hey dummies, if you were trying
to jump from the center, you chose the wrong place! Sorry,
I didn’t mean to call you dummies, but you really get me mad sometimes.
 |
|
I searched for “Pole” on the internet and this guy came I guess he could be polish, but it’s still strange. |
Maybe
if you were alive you’d
say, “Well maybe I just didn’t care if I was at the center! I just
wanted to die, OK!” I don’t buy this pal. Why go through all the
effort of walking all the way to the middle if you don’t care about
getting it exact. Just throw yourself off anywhere. Which brings us to
our next group:
The Inexplicably Eager
(Any
Pole Not Above Water)
What
is the deal with all of you
muttonheads who jumped out onto the land? I don’t think any of you guys
should be counted on the tally. It seems to me that you wanted to horn
in on all the publicity, but didn’t want to go through any of the
effort. One of you guys jumped out into the vista point parking lot,
and a few of you landed in the road. Come
on! This
strikes me as exceedingly
lazy. What, do you have a dental appointment later? Please just take a
few more seconds to walk out above the water. I can tell you that if
you were in a hurry, you wasted your effort walking all the way to the
Golden Gate Bridge. Just jump out the window of building downtown, it
accomplishes the same thing.
Additionally,
jumping off these
parts of the bridge is selfish and rude. Regular people are trying to
get things done down below. Dum de
dumm just a bunch of
happy-go-lucky people going about there day and – WHOOOP – there goes
Todd, he’s leapt off into a crowd of tourists come to see the bridge.
That’s a vacation little Jimmy’s never going to forget. You have to be
more careful. You can really spoil a person’s day. You might even kill
them.
 |
| Maddox & Andre Aggasi vacation at the Golden Gate |
Not to
mention the mess you’re
going to make when you land. Somebody is going to have to clean that
up, you know! Oh, and on a related note, don’t eat anything before you
commit suicide.
It only contributes to the mess, and it’s a waste of good food.
